You'll Always Be Mine
by Halsteadpd
Summary: "There are people who say Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth, apparently they haven't been in your arms." (Domesticated Linstead)
1. Chapter 1

There is a sound of bullets all around the soldiers. Many of the bullets being implanted in trees and occasionally, a hit and a scream of pain. Jay, now in his second tour in Korengal Valley, has never been afraid of the firefights, let alone dying.

His battalion of 8 has been raiding huts throughout the night looking for any terrorists hidden away. Jay leads the battalion into a smaller hut to the side and he covers the rest of his unit as they rush in, his night vision glasses being the only thing helping him see. There are two smaller rooms ahead. Jay leads three as Mouse leads another three.

Inside the room, Jay finds a mutilated corpse of a boy who is no older than 6. Blood pools around the many body parts on the floor. Everyone tries to ignore the smell but it's too hard to focus on anything else. As Jay cautiously surveys the room he notices an old mattress in the corner of the room sitting on top a metal bed stand. Underneath, Jay sees a the barrel of a gun, shaking, and a finger on the trigger. He cannot see anything but the finger so he alerts his squad and two of his men approach the bed. As they lift it up, Jay makes a split-second decision and shoots. To his horror, he had shot a child, right in the middle of his forehead.

Jay jolts awake in bed, sweating. The nightmares have been occurring a lot more since Terry died. He looks over to Erin's side of the bed. She is sound asleep. She has always been a heavy sleeper so sometimes his dreams don't wake her up. He looks over at the clock on his bed side table. It reads 3:25am. Jay carefully gets up off the bed trying to make sure he doesn't wake Erin up.

As he makes his way to the bathroom, the floorboards creak with his weight. He doesn't turn on the light, instead he rests his hands on either side of the sink and lets his hands bear the weight of his body. Jay doesn't often cry, especially when Erin is around, but the last few weeks have been rough on him.

Erin awakes to find the bed empty next to her. This isn't the first time. As she looks at the clock on Jay's bedside table, it reads 3:55am. Erin has no idea how long Jay has been out of bed, but she makes no mistake spotting his silhouette in the bathroom. She can hear his quiet sniffs as she rolls over to his side of the bed and puts her feet on the cold hardwood of his new apartment.

Erin turns on the light to the bathroom and sees Jay's bloodshot eyes and wet cheeks. She gently puts a hand on his shoulder, trying to make sure she doesn't startle him, the last time that happened it almost didn't end too well. She turns off the tap after wiping his eyes with some water and she helps him back to bed, guiding him with embraced hands. She's the only one who can get him out of his episodes. A few of his nightmares have been really difficult, but her voice is what helps him through it. Luckily, it wasn't too bad this time, he willingly let her guide him back to bed.

"Another nightmare?" Erin asks in a hushed tone. Jay just nods.

She looks him in the eyes and waits for his blue eyes to stare back. When he does, she gets lost in them, like she always does. Erin cannot stop herself from grinning and closes her eyes and lets her lips touch Jay's lips. Erin finds comfort being with him; protected when she's wrapped in his arms. She has always had problems letting people in but Jay was different. When she first laid eyes on Jay the day Antonio brought him up into intelligence, her heart skipped a beat. He was rugged yet he seemed a bit shy. They made eye contact as he and Antonio walked into Voight's office and he gave her a warm smile, making her heart skip another beat.

For Jay, Erin is what keeps him alive. She's an escape. She's the reason he didn't go insane after Terry's murder. Her soothing voice is the only thing that can get him to calm down after a nightmare. Lately she's been calming him down a lot. He remembered the first day they met. She was at her desk and he was walking into Voight's office with Antonio. He couldn't believe how beautiful she was and he knew he wouldn't have a chance with her, so he just smiled at her. When she smiled back, Jay felt a warm feeling go through his body.

"Let's try to go back to sleep." Erin suggests. Jay sighs and nods.

Together they lie down again, hands intertwined with each other's, Erin's head resting on Jay's bare chest. After a few minutes, Erin's breathing steadies. He is in awe of how quickly she can fall asleep and how serene she looks when she sleeps. This isn't the first time Jay has watched her while she sleeps, he used to wake up in the night in her apartment after she came back to the unit and moved out of Voight's house to make sure she was alright.

" _I love you."_ Jay whispers to Erin, saying it quiet enough so she doesn't wake up again. **The feeling of loneliness takes over Jay. He doesn't sleep again that night.**


	2. Chapter 2

Erin woke up in the morning to a sound in the kitchen. She looked over to Jay's side of the bed and noticed the sheets were cool so she pulled on one of Jay's favourite hoodies and walked out of the bedroom. She walked on the hardwood without making a sound and stopped to watch her shirtless boyfriend making pancakes, her favourite. Jay smiled as she got closer to him and gave her a peck on the lips.

"When did you get outta bed?" Erin asked looking into the bowl of pancake mix.

"Couple hours ago. Couldn't sleep so I watched some TV." Jay replied, not looking away from the pancakes on the skillet.

"Did you sleep any after what happened last night?"

"No." Jay said as he took the pancakes off the skillet. Erin knew not to push him for any more, especially when he gave his one word answers.

The silence was deafening between them. It was usually a bit awkward the morning after Jay had a nightmare. He was always groggy and Erin could see the dark circles under his eyes.

They sat down to eat breakfast and made small talk like they always did in the morning. After finishing up, Erin cleaned up as Jay went to the shower. As Erin loaded up the dishwasher, she noticed the time, 8:15. They needed to be at the district by 9:00, so she decided to get time efficient. She could hear Jay in the shower and quickly undressed and opened the shower door. Jay was startled but he smiled when he saw Erin.

"Thought we could do this so we could get to work on time," Erin said as she raised her eyebrows.

Jay smiled and didn't object as Erin stepped closer. He let the water pour on the back of his neck and hair as he leaned down and kissed her. As they deepened the kiss, they could both feel their hearts beating faster, and their breathing getting quicker. Shower sex was their favourite type, neither of them ever objected. Just as it was getting heated, they were interrupted by Jay's phone ringing. It was Voight saying they needed to get to the district ASAP. Jay smiled at Erin who was still in the shower as he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist and left the bathroom.

They were in the car within 10 minutes, Erin obviously driving. "I wonder what today's going to bring," Jay said as he buckled his seatbelt.

"Probably nothing good," Erin said with a sigh.

As they walked into the district, Platt gave her usual cheery greeting to Erin and her monotonous "Halstead" to Jay. Jay always found it weird how Platt could change her attitude so quickly. As they walked up the stairs to the bullpen, they noticed the entire unit was already there.

"Nice of you to join us," Voight's raspy voice said as he eyed both Erin and Jay. "Meet Easton Forsythe, killed in a drive-by. Wife, two kids, aged 4 and almost 1. He's ex-military," saying the last words as he looked at Jay. "He's believed to be running with the Vice Lords, killed after a deal. We have a lead, there were two shooters, Antonio and Olinsky are going down on a lead on one of them. Halstead, Lindsay, let the wife know."

At those words, both Jay and Erin grabbed their jackets and headed out of the bullpen to their car. The ride was about 10 minutes long, the car filled with their usual banter. As they pulled up to the Forsythe home, they first thing they noticed was how un-kept the home looked. Grass was up to their knees, paint was coming off the walls, front door didn't look too stable. Not something an ex-military is known to do, Jay thought.

Erin knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer as Jay stood back. They could hear footsteps in the home, they sounded very light. Jay knocked on the door a bit harder letting those inside know that it was the police at the door. The door cracked open a little bit and Jay noticed a small child looking up at him. He smiled at the kid and asked if her mom was home. The girl didn't answer so Jay lightly pushed the door open and walked in, taking in the atmosphere.

The inside was no better than the outside. There was dust everywhere and the carpet was very dirty. He couldn't tell what colour the paint was on the wall because everything looked brown. The furniture in the house was tattered and looked to be at least 20 years old. He picked up the little girl and walked into the living room with Erin following behind him. He froze when he saw a woman unconscious on the ground, a needle sticking out of her arm. Jay put the girl down on the ground and checked the woman for a pulse. He found one, though weak.

"This is Detective Jay Halstead I need an ambulance to 1818 Bates Ave. Female drug overdose."

"10-4, ambulance en route."

The little girl started to whimper as Lindsay came back in with a baby boy. Looking at Jay and then the wife, Lindsay took the two kids outside as the ambulance arrived.

Jay and Erin drove behind the ambulance to Chicago Med with the two kids buckled in car seats Jay found in the home. As they drove, Jay couldn't stop thinking about how many times he walked into a room and his mother being unconscious, fearing that the chemo had finally taken her out of her misery. He empathized with the kids, their Dad didn't seem much like a Dad, just like his own.

As they got to Med, Will took over from the paramedics and took her into Baghdad. Maggie had let them know she was contacting DCFS. After about 15 minutes, Will emerged and shook his head at his brother. Jay looked at Erin in the distance, playing with the two kids. They were all he could think about.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: First and foremost, I want to thank all of you for reading, following, favouriting or giving me a review. If I don't reply to your review, just know that I read it, I greatly appreciate the support all of you give me. I'm not attending school this year and I'm attempting to find a job so right now you can expect many updates. Once again, thank you. Enjoy**

"It's not likely the kids will be placed in a home together, let alone is it likely kids get adopted from drug houses, adoptive parents usually don't favour those who were around drugs" the DCFS worker told Jay and Erin.

"Could you give us a moment?" Jay asked as Erin scrunched her eyebrows. They walked a few steps to the side away from the social worker. "I was thinking we keep the kids for a bit, just until they get a good home."

"Are you serious?" Erin replied, shocked.

"Look, I feel for these kids Erin, I can't let them get screwed by the system."

"Our schedule's are insane, how do you think we'd take care of them?"

"We can get a nanny or something, please Erin."

Erin could see the pain in Jay's eyes, she was speechless. She was hesitant to accept but she knew how driven Jay was, she wouldn't win in this conversation. She slowly nodded her head in agreement and looked at the kids playing in the hospital waiting room. Jay smiled and turned to talk to the DCFS worker about keeping the kids until they got a stable home. She agreed and told Jay she would keep him up to date on what was happening.

Jay and Erin took the kids back to the district, Erin holding Alexa's hand, the little girl, and Jay carrying in Liam, the baby boy. Platt gave them both a look but dismissed it, Voight could deal with it. As they walked into the bullpen, everyone's heads turned towards them.

"What's going on?" Ruzek asked.

"Give me a second, could you watch them for a little bit?" Jay replied as he followed Erin into the break room. Erin sat Alexa down at the table and Jay handed Liam to Ruzek. They both walked into Voight's office and closed the door.

"What's going on?" Voight asked looking up at the two.

"Jay thought it would be a good idea that the Forsythe kids stayed with us until a family could be found that would take both the kids. I think it's a great idea too," Erin said as she looked at Jay at the corner of her eye. He was smiling his boyish grin, the one Erin loved so much.

Voight was surprised. He didn't know what to say, he only looked at his two detectives. Finally he spoke. "So are you just going to let the kids run around here all day, unsupervised?" Jay and Erin looked at each other.

"We can have Mouse look after them for a bit." Jay said.

"What about when I need Mouse to do something?"

Jay had nothing to say to that. He just took a deep breath in and looking at Voight. "How's about you two go home for the day then. Get the kids some food, find a babysitter. If I need one of you I'll call." Voight said. Jay looked at Erin who nodded her head and agreed. Jay smiled, hoping he made the right decision with this.

On the way home, they stopped at the grocery store to buy some food and the Forsythe home to pick up the kid's necessities. The kids were still timid around Jay and Erin and didn't talk too much.

"Do you go to school yet?" Jay asked Alexa curiously. She shyly shook her head.

"What do you like to do?" Jay asked trying to keep the conversation going. Alexa just shrugged her shoulders so Jay just gave her a smile.

The trip was relatively quiet. They bought some food, diapers, books and toys for the kids and headed home. As they pulled into the driveway, Erin took the kids inside while Jay unloaded the car. Erin turned on the TV and let the kids watch while she put away the groceries Jay was bringing in. After they were finished, they began to get the guest room ready for the kids. Upon returning to the living room, Erin and Jay had noticed the kids had fallen asleep.

"They're cute kids," Erin said, smiling at Jay.

"Yeah I just feel bad for them. Mom was definitely checked out and looks like Dad was no better. Happens to a lot of people when they get back." Jay walked to the kitchen shaking his head. They decided to make pasta for dinner. It was mostly Erin cooking and Jay with his arms around her, his hands rested on her hips and his chin on her shoulder, their favourite position. They heard light footsteps come up behind them and saw Alexa looking up at them.

"Hi", Erin said cheerily.

"I need to use the bathroom." Alexa said almost at a whisper.

Both Jay and Erin smiled. "Okay, let's go," Erin smiled. Jay continued to cook the pasta when he heard a whimper come from the living room. He turned the heat down on the stove and walked over to the couch and noticed Liam had woken up from his nap and started to fuss.

"Are you hungry?" Jay asked in a soothing tone trying to calm Liam down. Jay didn't want to admit to Erin how nervous he was. He had never been around small children before, let alone cared for them. Jay walked around the living room and kitchen trying to calm Liam down. Liam rested his small chin on Jay's shoulder, chewing his shirt, finally calming down. Jay found his actions funny.

Erin returned with Alexa shortly and was smiling ear to ear when she saw Jay with the baby. She couldn't wait until they had kids of their own and she would be seeing Jay in the fatherhood position daily. It looked good on him.

Erin approached Jay, looking at Liam. She decided she would get his formula ready while Jay had him calmed down. She gave Jay the bottle to which he looked confusingly. "I don't think I can do this, Erin." She smiled and took the baby from him and put the bottle in his mouth. She had done this many times with Teddy when Bunny was passed out on the couch, so she was comfortable.

Jay watched in awe as Erin made it look so easy. He went back to the stove to finish making the pasta and started to put it in 3 plates. He set the table and sat Alexa down on one of the chairs. As he finished setting up, Erin finished with Liam and burped him and set him down in a mobile crib they had grabbed from the Forsythe home. Erin, Jay and Alexa ate dinner at the table. Dinner was quiet and awkward for the three of them. After dinner, Jay sat down with both the kids in the living room while Erin started the dishwasher.

"I think it's time for a bath." Erin said walking towards them.

Jay carried in both kids to the bathroom as Erin filled the tub. He got the kids undressed and placed them both in the tub. He watched as Erin gently bathed the children, gently lathering the soap on their bodies and then washing it off. Jay left to grab towels and dried the kids off as he took them out of the tub. Erin and Jay both got the kids dressed and took them to the bedroom they had set up. As Jay read the kids a Dr Seuss story, Liam nodded off and Alexa was fighting to keep her eyes open. Jay and Erin tucked the kids in and left the room.

Exhausted, Jay sat down on the couch and Erin sat down next to him, her head on his chest. "I'm really proud of you for doing this." Erin said after a while.

"Thanks, I just didn't want them to struggle in the system. We need to find a babysitter for tomorrow."

"I know someone who would be up for it, I'll give her a call." Erin said.

After watching TV for a bit, Jay and Erin decided to go to bed. It was only at 2 am Jay felt a small tug on his bed sheets. As he adjusted his eyes in the dark, he noticed Alexa standing next to him. Careful not to wake Erin, Jay asked Alexa what was wrong.

"I'm cold", Alexa said in a louder tone of voice. Jay nodded and went to the closet to grab an extra blanket and took Alexa back to her room. He tucked Alexa back in bed and put the extra blanket on top of her and checked on Liam.

"Could you stay with me until I fall asleep?" Alexa asked. Jay smiled and nodded and sat down on the bed next to Alexa. As he sat on the bed his eyelids became heavy and soon Jay was asleep next to Alexa.


	4. Chapter 4

Jay woke up the next morning with Alexa cuddled into his right side. He must have fallen asleep after bringing her back to bed. He looked over at the clock and saw that it was 6:15am, Erin must be awake by now.

He carefully got out of bed and checked on Liam who was still sound asleep. He left the door slightly ajar as he left and went to go shower in the ensuite.

Erin smiles as she hears the water turn on to the shower. She woke up once again to an empty bed in the morning and assumed Jay had already woken up. She went to go check on the kids and noticed a shirtless Jay, soundly sleeping with Alexa basically sleeping on top of him. She had decided to let him sleep while she went to the kitchen to make breakfast.

Jay emerged into the kitchen at around 7, his hair still soaking wet, and wearing a muscle tee and shorts, his usual attire before work. He came up silently behind Erin and hugged her from behind and placed a kiss on her cheek.

"Good morning beautiful," Jay said in a mumbled voice as he rested his head on her shoulder. His wet hair making the side of Erin's face damp.

"Good morning," Erin said smiling looking into Jay's deep blue eyes and kissing his lips.

"Waffles!" Jay said smiling and pulling away from Erin. "My favourite." The best way to distract Jay was food.

"Could you get the kids up, we need to get to the district by 8:30 today."

Jay first woke up Alexa before picking up Liam who seemed really happy in the morning. He needed to change Liam's diaper and asked Alexa if she could go brush her teeth. She took her stuffed animal with her and ran towards the bathroom. Jay had never changed a diaper before so he was a bit nervous. As he took off the dirty diaper, the smell was unbearable for him, he gagged and coughed. Erin laughed from the doorway.

"Need some help there?" Erin asked with a smile on her face as she approached Jay.

"No, I'm good, I think I can do this."

"Where's Alexa?"

"She's in the bathroom brushing her teeth." Jay replied as he grabbed a baby wipe.

"I'll go see if she needs any help" Erin said as she left the room.

"They need instructions on these things" Jay said to himself looking determinedly at the diaper. Liam laughed at Jay's frustration. "Oh so you think that's funny?" Jay questioned Liam with a smile on his face. It took Jay about 5 minutes to figure out how to put the diaper on and get Liam to his jumper in the living room.

"I did two tours in the military, I've been shot, I've gone undercover so many times, but that was probably the most difficult thing I've done in my life," Jay told Erin as he got Alexa's breakfast ready and Erin got Liam's bottle ready. "I could never do this full time."

"I think you did fine, at least he's happy." Erin said looking back at Jay as she went to go give Liam his bottle.

They all ate breakfast watching cartoons on the TV. Jay remembered of his childhood, eating breakfast with Will and his Mom every morning before school with his Dad passed out somewhere else in the house. They had to be quiet though, they didn't want to wake him up from sleeping.

After eating, they cleaned up the dishes and went to go get ready for work. As Jay was putting his badge on his hip he wondered where the babysitter was. "Hey Erin, when's the babysitter getting here?"

"She texted me a while back saying she should be here in 10 minutes. She should be on the doorstep any second now." Erin replied from the bedroom which overlooked where Jay was in the living room. Erin went back into the room to finish getting dressed as Jay heard a knocking on the door. As he opened the door, he noticed Kim Burgess waiting on the other side.

"Burgess, what're you doing here?" Jay asked as he shut the door behind her.

"Heard you needed a babysitter, I have the day off so I thought I could look after the kids while you two go to work."

Jay should've known Erin would ask Burgess to babysit. They've been best friends since before Jay had even met Erin. He introduced Burgess to the kids as Erin came out of the bedroom and greeted Burgess. "Call if you need anything from us," Jay said as he and Erin were putting on their shoes and leaving out the door for the district.

"So the lead we had yesterday fell flat, he had an airtight alibi for the time of the shooting" Voight said to Erin and Jay, catching them up on what they had missed. "We're setting up a deal with Kenneth Young, our suspect. He's believed to be one of the shooters alongside his brother, Nick Young. We got the two on camera leaving the scene of the shooting two minutes after it happened, there's no mistake it's them. They usually do the deals together, one brother looking out for the other so they don't get caught. They are also usually armed so we need to be careful. Today they'll be at the corner of 52nd and 3rd. Ruzek is going to do the buy, when we get the deal, we move in. Suit up."

"Halstead, I want you on the roof with your rifle, Al, join him up there. Atwater I want you near Ruzek just incase anything goes south. Antonio will be across the street and Erin, you're with me." Voight gave his orders before leaving the district.

Everyone got into their positions when they got to the location. Voight sitting in the driver seat, with Erin in the passenger seat. "So how are you and Halstead these days?"

Erin looked at Voight, "We're good, why?"

"Just asking."

"You still don't trust him to date me do you?"

"It's not that, I just think you're at your best when you're not breaking hearts, Erin. What if you break his, I don't need a bummed out detective in my unit all day."

Erin shook her head at Voight and sighed. They sat in silence waiting for about 10 minutes before the Young brothers turned up, getting out of their car.

Jay's voice came over the radios, "We've got a positive ID on both offenders, approach with caution they're both loaded."

Kenneth leaned against a wall, one foot against it supporting his weight as Nick stood leaning against the car, looking around. Two people had approached Kenneth and were gone before Voight could tell Ruzek to go. As Ruzek gave Kenneth the money, Nick looked at him accusingly.

"Wait hold up, I've never seen this guy before." Nick said to Kenneth. The deal had already been done and Ruzek was wanting to get away from the two murderers. As Nick approached Ruzek, Voight had the team move in. Seeing the predicament they were in, the Young brothers pulled out their guns from their waists. Nick using the car as a shield, and Kenneth using Ruzek, holding him around the throat. Nick began shooting and the unit fired back.

Jay took a breath and steadied himself. Just as he was taught to do in the military. Inhale for 1,2,3,4,5 and hold. Jay aimed and put his finger on the trigger. He managed to shoot Kenneth right between the eyes just as he had done many times before. Exhale for 1,2,3,4,5. Ruzek, now out of Kenneth's grip ran for cover behind Antonio's car.

"I don't have a shot." Jay said quickly into his radio. Just as he had said it, a bullet from Antonio's gun hit Nick in the leg and Atwater ran up to Nick and handcuffed him.

Jay watched from the other side of the two-way mirror in the interrogation room. Antonio and Voight questioned him about what went down. Like all suspects, he denied everything at first. After about 10 minutes, Antonio had managed to get under Nick's skin and piled all the evidence against him, which is when the truth came out.

"Easton got back from the military about two years ago. He was medically discharged or some shit like that, got shot. He wasn't getting a job so he had to move out to where he lives now with his wife and kids. He suffered from PTSD or something so the other day he came up to Kenneth to get a pop. When he gave the money Kenneth noticed immediately that it was monopoly money, that shit takes balls man. He's bought from us lots of times but the money was always legit. So Kenneth dropped him. Heard the wife was checking out anyways so we didn't have to worry about her."

Jay took a long breath as he blinked away the tears in his eyes. Hearing this story made him think of his own father. How he was always drunk or smoking, always angry, never giving attention to anyone except when he was beating his mother.

Voight had sent everyone home early. Jay and Erin walked through the front door and greeted everyone. Burgess went home and Erin decided to take a shower. Jay was left alone with a sleeping Liam and Alexa, who was watching cartoons. They sat in silence watching the cartoon figures on the TV before Jay spoke up.

"What was your Dad like?" He asked Alexa. She was sitting against him, probably her most favourite position.

When she looked up at him, Jay could feel a tug on his heartstrings as he looked into her eyes. "He didn't talk to me or Liam too much. Sometimes he cried when he thought everyone was sleeping. Mommy never talked to him when he got back, she always said he changed and wasn't nice anymore. She always used to give herself a shot with the needle, I've seen her do it."

Jay nodded and smiled down at her. "Well that's okay, you'll be okay now."

After Erin came back from the shower, she suggested they go to the park. Erin was pushing Liam on the baby swing set and watched Jay running after Alexa on the playground. She smiled when she saw their smiles. Jay looked in a very natural state playing with the kids. Erin took Liam out of the swing and went and sat down on the bench, playing with the baby. Jay joined her as they watched Alexa playing with some other kids.

"You know, I can't wait until we're doing this on a full time basis with our own kids." Erin said smiling and looking at Liam who seemed really happy.

"I don't know how great of a Dad I'd be. Didn't have the best example," Jay said sourly.

"I think you're doing great with them. You seem really comfortable."

Jay didn't answer, he just continued looking at Alexa. His mind was engrossed in thoughts, mostly fear about the man he was. He knew that the military helped shape him into the man he was, the one Erin loved so much. Maybe if his father had been a better example Jay wouldn't have had to deal with so much of the pain he dealt with his his teenage years. He turned to face Erin, looking at her eyes that he fell in love with the first day he met her. She leaned in and kissed him on his lips, both of them closing their eyes.

"I love you Jay Halstead," she said smiling as she pulled her lips away and rested her forehead on Jay's. Liam's crying brought them back to reality, signalling that it was time to go home.

 **Please review, let me know how my writing is and how the content is.**

Also, if you want to see anything added into the story, just let me know.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews/follows! Just a note: I did have page/scene breaks in the last chapter just to help with transitioning into a new scene but I guess they disappeared! I hope it'll work for this chapter, enjoy!**

Erin and Jay's week had been relatively the same everyday. They would drop off the kids at a daycare centre whenever Burgess couldn't come around to babysit and then they would go to work. Intelligence hadn't been too busy in the week which was a blessing, so their days were filled with paperwork and early days. They would spend the afternoons and evenings playing with the kids.

Alexa had started to warm up to Erin and Jay in the few days she stayed with them. She was no longer quiet, she seemed to have more energy, she genuinely seemed a lot happier. Jay knew it must have been the change of environment from what she was accustomed to before.

Early the next morning before work, Jay got a call from the DCFS social worker. They had found a family that was willing to take in both kids. The family had already adopted a child from the agency before and they continuously gave donations to the agency. The social worker assured Jay that the kids would have the most ideal life with this family; they were to be dropped off with the new family tomorrow.

When Jay hung up the phone, he felt pain in his heart. In the past week, these kids had become his life. He loved getting to hear about Alexa's day at daycare and he even started to learn how to feed Liam from a bottle properly. It was going to be difficult to let these kids go, they were so much like him. He walked into the kitchen to let Erin know that the kids would have a new home come tomorrow night.

"Wasn't that kind of fast? To find a family like that?" Erin pondered.

"I don't know, the family is really involved with this agency and they wanted the kids."

Erin could hear the disappointment in Jay's voice. She knew that it would be for the best because if the kids stayed with them too long, they would become attached, making everything even more complicated.

Erin and Jay let Voight know that the kids would be dropped off at the new family's home in the afternoon so Voight gave them the next day off to get the kids ready to go. Work seemed to go by in a flash that day and before they knew it, they were picking up the kids from daycare one last time and heading home.

Jay made dinner while Erin was packing the kids clothing and toys. The kids were watching TV in the living room. They had decided to let Alexa know after dinner what was going to happen.

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"So tomorrow morning, you and Liam are going to meet your new parents! It's going to be so exciting. They have another kid and he's going to be your older brother." Erin tried to make everything sound exciting even though she knows what it's like trying to blend in with a new family. Going to a new place is no easy feat. Alexa looked at Jay and Erin, not saying anything. Erin could sense the fear and uncertainty in her. "Get some sleep, honey."

"She didn't look all too excited," Jay said closing the door to the bedroom.

"Why would she be? She's used to us now so it's going to difficult for her."

Jay took a deep breath and sighed. Erin could tell that it wasn't only going to be difficult for Alexa, Jay had gotten attached too. They started to pack up the toys the kids had left in the living room and decided to call it an early night.

Jay laid in bed, reclined with Erin's head on his bare chest. He rubbed small circles on her shoulder with his thumb, engrossed in thought. He never realized that Erin had fallen asleep, her breathing steady and consistent. He looked down at Erin and wondered how he got so lucky. He sat across from her at work, he was her partner, he never knew he'd be so lucky to be sleeping next to her every night.

Eventually, Jay succumbed to the weight of his eyelids and he too was soon asleep.

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Jay and Erin decided to sleep in the next morning, the kids were yet to wake up. At about 7:15, Jay got out of bed to shower but his walk to the bathroom was interrupted by Liam's cry. He went over to the bedroom and picked up Liam, trying to console the baby. Alexa had also woken up when Liam started to cry so Jay decided to hold off on his shower and get the kids breakfast.

He gave Liam a bottle while Alexa brushed her teeth. When he finished feeding Liam, he put him on the floor in the living room and gave him some toys to play with. Alexa had come into the kitchen by now and sat down at the kitchen table waiting for Jay. When Jay had set their breakfast out on the table and sat down, Alexa spoke up.

"Why do we have to leave, do you not want us anymore?"

Jay's heart broke at this question. Looking back at Alexa, he took a shaky breath and spoke. "No, it's not that. Erin and I love having you here. Me and Erin are super busy people and taking care of two kids isn't very easy for us. Besides, this new family will be a lot better for you and your brother."

Alexa eyed him. Finally, she got off her chair and hugged him, her arms around his neck. Jay was quite surprised at her action but didn't hesitate to pick her up and put her in his lap.

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Leaving the kids at their new home was extremely difficult. Alexa wouldn't let go of Jay's hand so he had to forcibly remove her small hand which was holding onto his two fingers. Jay and Erin didn't stay long just to make the transition a bit quicker and easier, so they headed home.

Erin began making dinner and Jay went to their bedroom to dress in something more comfortable. On his way back to the kitchen, he stopped at the guest bedroom. The emptiness and lack of toys made him feel uncomfortable. In the last week he loved seeing the toys scattered all over the place from a full day of fun activities and playing with the kids. Jay sighed as Erin made her way next to him.

"You okay?" She asked.

Jay forced a smile and nodded.

"I have an idea on how we can make this better," Erin said seductively and raising her eyebrows. Jay, obviously turned on, smiled and followed Erin. She made her way to the ensuite and undressed and got into the shower, turning on the water. Jay quickly undressed and joined her under the hot water. Their eyes locked with each other's, Erin's full of lust. Jay moved closer to Erin, putting his hands on her hips and smiling. Jay leaned in and placed a kiss on Erin's lips. She didn't hold back as being close to Jay was her most favourite thing to do. She felt safe and secure when he was close by, she just never told him that. Jay went to pull away from the kiss but Erin put her hand behind his head, running her fingers through his wet hair, and pushing his head back towards her. Their breathing became quick and laboured as their kiss deepened. Erin felt goosebumps on her body as Jay rubbed his thumbs on her waist. She smiled at it. Pulling away, just so the tips of their noses touched, Jay and Erin let the water pour on them as they tried to calm their breathing.

"It's been too long since we've done this,". Erin said, her heart still beating hard.

Jay smiled and brought her head closer to his and began kissing her again. In between kisses he managed to say "I've missed this so much."

After about 5 minutes, Jay got out of the shower and grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist. He dried himself off and put on a pair of boxers and then some shorts. Erin emerged from the bathroom, her hair dripping wet and she also grabbed some clothes.

"So how about some dinner?" Jay said with a chuckle. Erin smiled and gave him another kiss on the lips before leading the way to the kitchen.

After dinner, Jay and Erin sat down to watch some TV. They must've fallen asleep because they were woken up to the sound of Erin's phone ringing. It was Voight. Erin rolled her eyes as she picked up on the phone.

"Lindsay." She said into the phone.

"Erin, there's been an accident. Burgess was shot, get to Med."

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 **Please review, thank you. :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: Thank you for all the feedback! This chapter may not be the best but I wanted to get it out there. Chapter 7 is going to be a big one and the excitement about writing something like it is why I'm writing. Enjoy!**

When Jay and Erin arrived at Med, the waiting room was full of cops. They spotted Platt sitting in a chair in the corner of the waiting room and approached her to ask for any updates.

"They took her in for surgery. She was shot 4 times at a routine traffic stop and the driver sped away. They're not really telling us anything." They could hear the pain in Platt's voice. Burgess was the one person that Platt was always confiding in and trusted. Erin and Jay sat next to Platt in the waiting room hoping for a positive update.

Ruzek, Atwater, Olinsky, Voight and Dawson all arrived within 5 minutes of Jay and Erin. The waiting room was eerily quiet with the occasional paging of a doctor or nurse on the intercom. Everyone talked in hushed tones as if they were speaking in confidence, making sure nobody else heard what they were speaking of. It was almost at 11:00pm when came out with an update.

"She was shot four times, twice in the neck/throat area, once in the chest and once in the left shoulder. She lost a lot of blood on the way here and her heart stopped once while we were getting the slugs out. We managed to get her back but she was without oxygen for about 5 minutes. She could potentially have permanent memory loss or brain damage but we're not sure yet. We have her hooked onto a vent in ICU right now. I'm sorry but it's not looking well."

After finished talking, Erin felt as if she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, she felt like throwing up as her throat burned. Her best friend may not make it. She and Burgess had been the best of friends since they met. Their many drunk nights together of laughing until their cheeks were hurting, their movie dates, their dinners and gossiping about who they wanted to date. Burgess was the only one who knew how much Erin wanted to date Jay. Tears were welling up in Erin's eyes and fell just as quickly.

Ruzek had left angrily when had finished speaking and Atwater followed him. Jay turned to Erin seeing the tears rolling down her cheeks and faced her towards him and brought her into him, his large arms embracing her small figure. She sobbed uncontrollably into his chest as he rubbed her back with his hand.

"W-when can we see her?" Platt asked clearing her throat.

"You can go two or three at a time into the ICU. You shouldn't stay long, there's no guarantee she will wake up tonight or whether or not she can hear you. The best thing is for her to rest." Rhodes said empathetically.

Voight and Platt went in first, followed by Ruzek, Atwater and Olinsky. After they had seen Burgess they went home to get some sleep for the night. Jay and Erin were the last ones to see Burgess out of the group.

When they walked into the room, all they could see was wires all over Burgess' body and gauze covering most of her upper left side. Erin sat down in the chair next to the bed and held Kim's hand. Jay stood next to Erin, a hand on her shoulder rubbing small circles. They stayed in the same position, not a single sound or motion for a few minutes, omit the machines.

"I'll give you a few minutes," Jay said bending down and kissing Erin's cheek softly.

Erin listened to Jay's light footsteps leaving the room. The only sound coming from his feet were from his shoes. Erin looked down at the floor, blinking away the tears that had remerged in her eyes before speaking up.

"Um, I just wanted to say thanks." Erin said smiling.

"You were there for me when I had nobody. We became the best of friends, and you're basically the sister I never had. I've always had issues with opening up to people because of how my past was and you were always so patient with me and never pushed me too much and that's something I'll be appreciative of until the day I die. Remember how much you used to push me to ask Jay out on a date? You always said he would be a great guy for me and how he wouldn't ask me out because of Voight, but I always pushed the conversation aside to talk about something else. You used to tell me that I was madly in love with Jay but I didn't want to accept it. I guess I can thank you now." Erin laughed as she reminisced about the night they were so drunk in Erin's apartment that they talked about how much Erin was into Jay and how he was the only one she wanted to date.

"I'll understand if you want to slip away and that's okay. If this pain is too much to take you can go. I won't be mad. You can make yourself comfortable and end your pain. I've dealt with loss before and I guess I can manage again." Erin said her final words with tears rushing down her face. She stood up and gave Kim a kiss on her forehead and left Kim's room in a rush, oblivious to Jay standing in the doorway.

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The drive to the district from the apartment was quiet. Not a word spoken or exchanged, just the occasional glances over from Jay. When they got into the bullpen, Voight called Lindsay into his office while Jay settled himself at his desk.

"How you holding up, kiddo?"

"I'm getting by, did they catch the shooter?" Erin sounded indifferent but it was mostly because of the lack of sleep from the night before. She slept with one of Jay's arms around her but she didn't sleep long, she watched TV to distract herself.

"Yeah, they did. Likely 30 to life."

Erin nodded and got up to leave Voight's office before he stopped her. "If you need anything, I'm always here for you, Erin." She managed to give Voight a smile before getting settled at her own desk.

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Jay and Erin went to visit Burgess after work. The day had been long and tough on both of them and they were exhausted. When they got to Burgess' room, they noticed that nothing had changed. Same wires poking in her, her body was in the same position, the only difference being how much IV fluid remained in the IV bag.

After about 10 minutes, they decided to leave. They walked to the car with their hands intertwined with each other's, Jay's thumb rubbing over Erin's hand like he always did. The slow motion of the circles his thumb made, the friction and warmth from two hands rubbing against each other brought Erin peace.

They decided to pick up food on the way home and ate in front of the TV, watching the Blackhawks game like the usually do. They talked about the bad calls the refs made every now and then. Jay wanted to talk to Erin about what he had heard the night before but he knew Erin wasn't in the place to talk about it right now. He could still see the pain and sadness in her eyes when he looked over at her, even when she smiled that smile he loved so much.

At intermission, Erin started to clean up the mess. Jay offered to help but she declined and said she was fine, not looking at him. As Erin went into the kitchen, Jay sighed deeply, knowing that Erin wasn't hurting this much since Nadia had died. She had cut him off completely during that time, but this time he wanted to let her know that she could lean on him, let him be her support. He smiled as he saw Erin in the kitchen when he got up to approach the stereo.

Erin returned from the kitchen when she heard soft piano music coming from the speakers and saw Jay standing in front of the muted TV, smiling. He knew her so well, dancing was one of her favourite things to do, especially with Jay. She smiled back as he approached her.

"May I have a dance?" Jay said softly, extending his right hand to her.

She took his hand as he led her to dance in front of the TV. He took her waist as she rested her left hand on his arm. They slow danced to the piano, looking into each other's eyes, the TV illuminating one side of their faces.

Erin smiled as she let the blue-green of Jay's eyes carry her into another world, she couldn't take her eyes away from his. His eyes helping take her away from where they were in the present. His smile and laugh that made her heart skip a beat. His arms in which she has seeked refuge many times. His chest that she has fallen asleep on most nights. Him always being cautious around her and letting her have space. His sense of humour always putting a smile on her face, regardless of the situation. She loved him more than he would ever know.

She smiled before resting her head on his chest. Jay moved his arms to Erin's lower back, bringing her closer to him. He kissed her on the top of the head as she silently sobbed into his shirt, making it wet. He brought her over to the couch and sat down, allowing her to sit mostly in his lap. He held one of her hands and they rested their foreheads on each other. Jay waited a few moments before speaking up, making sure he was soft spoken.

"I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but I want you to know that I'm here for you, always. I don't want you facing the world on your own. I know how strong of a woman you are and I love you so much for it but you don't always have to go at things alone." Jay's voice was barely a whisper as he spoke.

"You've always been here for me when I relapse or have a nightmare and that's a debt I'll never be able to repay." Jay's eyes were now welling up with tears.

"Erin you can tell me anything but please, please don't push me away like last time."

Erin was still crying when she lifted her head to look Jay in the eyes. Her heart broke when she saw tears running down Jay's cheeks. She wiped his cheeks with her thumbs and gently kissed his lips.

"I love you, Jay."

 **Please Review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Authors Note: Sorry for taking so long, I'm moving so updates will be slow. Italics are flashbacks!**

 _It was midday. The sun was hot and high in the sky and Jay's battalion cautiously proceeded through the Landigal province of Korengal Valley in their humvees. The trees helped camouflage the soldiers as one of the many villages in the valley came in view. The battalion stopped outside the village, their mission was to apprehend anyone with ties to the Taliban and confiscate any weapons or explosives found._

" _Watch each other's back in here, we don't want to lose anymore than we already have." Sergeant Garcia said, his back turned to his unit._

 _Jay and Mouse looked at each other, knowing that their Sergeant had already lost 4 men in Afghanistan. The group proceeded to raid huts, like they did almost every day. There were many elderly men, women and children in the village, alarmingly no middle aged men. The smaller children screamed and cried as they saw the soldiers coming their way and ran to their mothers._

 _The battalion moved through the first few houses quickly, gathering everyone outside, guns pointed at them. It took about an hour to clear out all the houses and check through them._

" _Let's move out, there's nothing here," Sergeant Garcia's voice yelled._

 _The unit turned and headed back to their humvees with Halstead and Garcia at the back the group. It was like a scene in a movie, everything was eerily calm before hell broke loose. The battalion was pounded with bullets. Everyone quickly ran for cover against the cement homes. When Jay looked up he watched one of his best friends, Hollingsworth, take a bullet in the back of his neck, and then his head. Jay moved forward to jump out and drag Hollingsworth to cover but was stopped by Mouse and Garcia, each holding one of his arms._

 _When the bullets had stopped, Jay and Mouse ran to Hollingsworth and brought him into cover, a streak of blood followed as they dragged him in the dirt and sand. Jay put pressure on the two bullet wounds as Sergeant Garcia tried to find a pulse. Jay looked over to his Sergeant, who shook his head. Tears welled up in Jay's eyes, he couldn't bring himself to relieve the pressure on his friend's wounds. He was forcibly pulled off by Mouse and Garcia who pulled him back to the humvee._

 _They got into the lead humvee as Garcia drove with Jay in the passenger seat and Mouse on the gun. Tears were falling down Jay's cheeks as he looked at his bloodied hands, clearly in shock. They were followed by the rest of the unit in another humvee. In a split second, the two humvees were ambushed, the lead one taking the brunt of it all. The humvee was blown up with a grenade launcher._

Jay woke up startled, not knowing where he was, panting and sweating. It was a few nights later. He looked around the room, nothing looking familiar to him. When he looked down at his shaking hands, he could still see the blood covering them. When he looked at his body, he was wearing his military gear, he was only missing his gun and he didn't know why.

He heard a female voice next to him calling his name but he couldn't decipher who's voice it was. He looked over next to him when he felt a hand on his leg and noticed someone sitting there in the dark. He quickly got out of bed, grabbing the gun he somehow knew that he kept on his bedside table and pointed it to whoever was in the bed with him. He was still sweating profusely and his breaths were laboured and shaky.

"Jay, Jay listen to me... You're fine, just take some deep breaths. You just had a nightmare… you're in Chicago, you're at home, you're okay. Just give me the gun." Erin sounded very cautious, her own voice shaking, fearing that Jay would shoot her.

She took small steps towards Jay and he would take equally small steps to get further away from her, still pointing the gun at her head. He blinked away the sweat that was getting in his left eye as his shoulder hit the wall he backed into. He felt trapped as he had nowhere to go while someone was approaching him. Erin could see the fear in Jay's eyes because of the light from the street barely coming through.

"Jay, it's me. It's Erin." Jay cautiously surveyed Erin's face as he tried to understand what was happening.

"You work at the 21st District in Intelligence. The reason you're in Intelligence is because you were shot while working undercover with Antonio. I'm your partner and girlfriend Erin Lindsay. Jay… it's okay. You can give me the gun."

Jay took a deep, shaky breath before unloading his gun and Erin sighed in relief when he did. He sunk down against the wall with his head in his knees, crying. Erin sat down next to him and brought his head into her embrace, she tried her best to soothe him. Since Terry's death Jay seemed to be having a lot of nightmares, this one being the worst.

She wiped the tears off his cheeks like she has done a few times now before she spoke up again.

"Are you alright?" She said in a whisper. He didn't speak, only nodding his head. He was still trying to control his breathing and his heart. Erin held his hand and brought his head back into her chest.

"Just sync your breathing to mine. Breathe in as I do and breathe out when I do." It was 4:30am. They had the day off today so they stayed up late watching movies on the couch the night before. They didn't have much planned for the day, except to see Burgess. At around 5:15, Jay moved his head off of Erin's chest, resting his head on her lips. She gave him a kiss, as he always wanted after an episode. Her touch helped him through the worst of his episodes, he just wished he knew about her when he got back.

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"I don't know, it just all unfolded. I was back in Landigal again, when I woke up it was as if I didn't, I was still there." Jay took a sip of his beer. He decided to join Mouse at Molly's while Erin was with Burgess at the hospital.

"Was it anything like when you got back?"

"Honestly, it was like nothing ever changed," Jay sighed.

"When I got back, my mom wasn't doing too well. I was the only one around to help her with everything. Will was out partying, you would never hear from him, and my Dad was God knows where. One morning, I woke up and went to go check on her and she wouldn't wake up. I thought she was gone. I checked for a pulse and she still had a faint one. I remember thinking I had lost her and in the time I was trying to wake her up, I felt so alone and helpless." Jay blinked away the tears as he finished speaking. Mouse didn't say anything, he usually just let Jay talk.

"I remember the day she died. I came back from the hospital and just sat on the couch and cried. I wanted to go back to Afghanistan, at least there I had structure to my life, I had a purpose. I remember calling WIll but he didn't pick up so I just texted him to let him know."

"I just wish I was there for you back then, you were always around for me." Mouse felt guilty. Getting back from the military for tough on both of them. They were both addicted to alcohol and were popping pills almost everyday. Jay managed to turn his life around when he decided he was going to apply for a job with the Chicago Police, however, Mouse still struggled.

Jay shook his head. "You didn't need to be there for me, you were dealing with your own things. The blame should be on my Dad and Will. I remember how bad the PTSD was when we got back. Feeling isolated. I always was hoping I'd be able to go on another tour just to have some structure in my life again."

"Well it all worked out in the end, I guess," Mouse said looking up at Jay who smiled.

"I gotta go, Erin's probably home by now."

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When Jay walked into the apartment, he saw Erin sitting on the couch, watching the Blackhawks game. He kicked off his shoes and gave her a quick kiss on her lips.

"I'm going to go change into something more comfortable." Jay said as he left the room to go to the bedroom. He quickly returned wearing some sweatpants and a t-shirt. He sat down next to Erin and she cuddled into his side.

"How's Burgess doing?"

"They took her off the vent and put the oxygen nubbins in her nose. She's been having good brain activity for the last few hours." Erin looked up at Jay and smiled when she spoke. Her best friend was getting better, but there was still no guarantee on how much, if at all, brain damage she would have. This little bit of betterment in Kim improved her mood drastically.

"Well, I guess we can celebrate a little," Jay said wiggling his eyebrows and biting on his lower lip.

"I guess we can," Erin said smiling seductively.

She aggressively smashed her lips back onto his and sat down in his lap. His hands felt her body, going down from her ribs to her hips, and finally her ass. She pulled his head closer to her as he took her shirt off. His bare touch on her skin caused her to have goosebumps wherever his hands went. He found his way back up to her ribs as she took his shirt off of him. He leaned his head into her shoulder, kissing her neck. The stubble from his beard tickled her cheek. They got off the couch, Jay carrying Erin, and made their way into the bedroom. In the last week, the Blackhawks had been very good to them.

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Both of them were panting as they laid naked in the bed, smiling ear-to-ear. Erin was hesitant to ask Jay about his episode from early in the morning but she knew that she couldn't dismiss it.

"Are you doing okay?" She said trying to calm her heart down from having him on top of her.

He laughed, "yeah, I'm 100%, just deprived of oxygen a little bit."

"I didn't mean that, about what happened in the night." She was being very cautious.

"It was just another nightmare, I've had it before, no big deal."

"Are you sure, because I was pretty sure you were going to kill me last night." A chill went up Erin's spine when she relived what happened with Jay in her mind.

"Yeah, I just thought I was back in Afghanistan. When I woke up I couldn't tell if I was in present time."

"Just know, that what you carry is real, and if you ever want to lean on me, at whatever time, you can."

Jay turned onto his side to face Erin. He took her face in his right hand and brought her in for a deep, slow kiss.

"I don't know what I'd ever do without you Erin Lindsay."


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: Sorry, I've been a bit busy and I've also been having some writer's block. I would've posted earlier but I'm no longer feeling confident about my writing so it takes me a while for me to feel okay with it. Enjoy.**

3 weeks later…

Jay woke up in the morning noticing Erin's side of the bed was empty. He made no mistake figuring out where she was as he heard he emptying out her stomach in the bathroom. Just last week he had the stomach flu after some bad takeout, Erin seemed to have caught the bug 2 days ago. Hopefully she was still up for seeing Burgess in the hospital today, she would be released tomorrow.

Jay looked at the clock on his bedside table and noticed it was almost 8:00am. He got out of bed and walked towards the bathroom, knocking on the door.

"Erin, are you doing alright?" He heard the toilet flush and the tap turn on.

"Yeah, I'm fine, feeling a lot better."

"We are still going to see Burgess right? If you want to stay in that's fine with -"

"No, I'm fine, let's get some breakfast." Erin interrupted.

Jay and Erin stopped at their favourite breakfast place down the street. Jay ordered his usual eggs with bacon and waffles whereas Erin changed it to pancakes and fruit.

"I thought you hated pancakes, and shouldn't you eat a little lighter, you were throwing up this morning?" Jay asked after the waiter left.

"I just felt like them this morning, thought I'd change up the routine, and like I said before, I'm fine. I think it's all passed now."

They ate their breakfast and made their way to the hospital with their usual banter. When they got to Burgess' room, they noticed Adam there, sitting in the chair next to her bed holding her hand. They were talking quietly and didn't even notice Erin and Jay walk into the room. Adam planted a kiss on her lips, as the seconds went on he deepened the kiss.

"Gross." Jay said trying to control his laughter.

Kim started to turn pink as she noticed Jay and Erin at the foot of her bed. Adam looked at Jay and rolled his eyes.

"Please, I'm not the only one that kisses my girl in public." Adam said defending himself.

The four of them had a good time together, occasionally getting loud enough that a nurse would have to come by and ask them to be quieter. Kim's doctor came by to tell her that she was to be discharged in the morning and he gave her instructions about at-home care.

After the doctor left, Jay and Erin decided to leave and go grab some dinner, it was only 4:30 but they decided to skip lunch. They went to one of their favourite restaurants in downtown and decided to sit at a booth. After they ordered, they looked out the window admiring the golden sunset that illuminated the skyline of Chicago.

"How you feeling?" Jay asked.

"I'm good, I think I finally got over the bug after this morning and being around Burgess was nice."

Jay remembered hearing the conversation Erin had with an unconscious Burgess the night she was brought in. He didn't know whether or not he should bring it up, but he felt as if Erin was in a very happy state right now, and he loved it. The last couple of weeks had been the best for Jay, everything in his life right now was perfect.

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After dinner, they walked around the streets, taking in the surprisingly warm November weather. Erin loved looking at the stars in the night, and today it was a perfect, cloudless night. As they walked towards the car, Jay came to a stop.

"Jay, what's wrong?"

He didn't answer, his eyes were just fixated on something, someone. He was hoping this someone wouldn't notice him there, but he did. Jay tried to make a beeline for the car, forgetting Erin was holding onto his arm, she anchored him back to where he was standing.

"We need to get out of here, NOW." Jay sounded almost frightened. Erin figured out why when she noticed who was approaching them.

He had Jay's blue eyes, the one's Erin had fallen in love with. He walked exactly like Jay did and he even smirked like him. Jay's breathing started to quicken and he creased his eyebrows as the man got closer. Erin started to sweat as the man got closer, she wasn't entirely sure what Jay was going to do but she could feel Jay tensing up. The man came face-to-face with Jay, a little too close to be comfortable.

"Son, it's been a while." Jay's dad said, smiling. He smelled like cigarettes and alcohol. His smile seemed a bit malicious.

"Get out of my face," Jay said with his teeth gritted, looking his dad straight in the eyes. His dad scoffed, just like Jay does, Erin saw where Jay got his sass from.

"I'll do whatever the fuck I want."

Erin could feel Jay tensing up even more. She needed to intervene but was frozen, looking from the two men that resembled each other so much. Jay's dad turned his head to Erin and looked her up and down and laughed.

"Really? Thought you'd do better than that with my genes." Jay's dad said facing Jay again, laughing.

Jay moved his arm so Erin would stop holding it and grabbed her hand. He pushed past his father and led Erin to the car. He opened the door for her and she sat down in the passenger seat. He shut her door and faced his father who had followed them there.

"Don't you think it's been too long since we've last spoken, Jay?"

"I don't need you in my life," Jay said harshly.

He walked around the car and sat down in the driver seat and slammed his door shut. Erin usually let him drive when they weren't working. He grasped the steering wheel tight on the way home and didn't let go of it until he pulled up in the driveway.

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The ride home was silent. Erin occasionally glanced over at Jay. He had his eyebrows creased, his hand gripping the steering wheel tight. Curiosity was getting the best of Erin, she had to know his history with his Dad.

"So, um, what was that all about tonight?" She asked as they got undressed in the bedroom into more comfortable clothes.

Jay sighed, he seemed to be considering what he wanted to say. He turned around to face Erin as he fumbled with his shirt.

"Not tonight Erin, sorry." With that he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and he went to bed.

 **Please review, I need to know what to work on. Thanks.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Not too confident about this chapter, felt rushed :( Sorry.**

A few days later…

Jay went to the gym in the morning without Erin since she was still throwing up. Burgess had come over the night before while Jay and Adam went out to a bar.

" _Are you entirely sure?" Burgess asked for the umteenth time that night._

 _Erin was starting to get impatient, but she too had some doubt._

Erin waited patiently for the test, grasping the sides of the sink until she couldn't feel her hands anymore. Jay didn't know she had bought one with Burgess last night before he got home, he probably wouldn't even have noticed last night considering how hammered he was, she loved Drunk Jay so much.

She picked up the test, her hand shaking. She looked at herself in the mirror and took a deep breath, not being able to look down at the test right away. When she saw the result, her legs began to collapse under her, she faint the blood pool in them, making them heavy. Tears started to run down her face, what would she tell Jay? How would he react? They had never even talked about having kids before, let alone were they ready. Their jobs took up too much of their time. She kept replaying the conversation she had with Drunk Jay the night before.

" _My life is perfect right now, Erin. I don't need anyone or anything except you. I love you so much and I'm never letting you go. I'm kind of hungry though, are you? I'd still not give you up for food though, I love you too much."_

" _Jay, it's 3am, go to sleep, you're way too drunk. We can talk about our relationship and food later."_

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"Erin?" Jay said as he walked through the door. He left his duffel bag at the doorstep as he looked for her. As he got closer to the bedroom, he could hear her crying in the ensuite. His heart dropped as he picked up the pace towards the bedroom.

"Erin, what's wrong babe?" He found her sitting on the floor and he squatted down in front of her. He cupped her face in his hands and brought her eyes up to his. He wiped her cheeks with his thumbs and kissed her forehead. When he looked back down at her he noticed something in her hand.

"What's this?" He furrowed his brows as he took the test from Erin's hand and looked at it. Erin could feel her heart beating, hard and fast. She thought he could hear it too. She felt like she couldn't breathe, time was going too slow. She could see the tears in his eyes, waiting to drop. His tears made the blue stand out in his eyes even more. But then he grinned.

"Are you serious," he said laughing a little bit.

Erin sniffed and nodded, surprised.

He wrapped his sweaty, muscular arms around her as he laughed.

"I can't wait," Jay finally said, kissing Erin on the lips. He was speechless.

"But, last night you said your life was perfect just as it is."

"Erin, that was Drunk Jay, he has no idea what he's talking about. Sober and slightly hungover Jay can actually use his brain a little bit."

"Yeah, only a little bit. But, we're not even married yet, let alone engaged. Our child will be born out of wedlock."

"That's okay, all that matters is that we love each other and that we're going to take care of this kid."

Erin smiled, she was having a child with the man she loved so much. She finally felt some peace in her life, but she was worried. _What kind of mother will I even be_ kept replaying in her head. She wasn't ready. Would she ever be?

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One week later…

"You should take it easy, once we tell Voight he's going to put you on desk duty anyways."

Erin sighed, "as long as I can avoid it, I will. Besides my bump isn't even that big yet."

They walked into the precinct together and up into the bullpen. Like always, they were the last ones there, thanks to Erin. They smiled at each other as they sat down at their respective desks. Today seemed to be a slow day. Everyone was sitting at their desks doing some paperwork or goofing off and Voight was in his office.

After a while, Jay motioned towards Voight's office. Erin, although hesitant, agreed. They both walked into his office and Jay closed the door behind them. Voight looked at both of them, confused.

"Um, we need to tell you something." Erin's heart wanted to beat out of her chest. Just a year ago, Voight would have disapproved Jay and Erin dating and right now, they were about to tell him she was pregnant with his child.

Voight leaned back in his chair and waited like he always did.

"In about 9 months, you're going to be a grandpa," Erin said smiling, it was forced, she was still scared.

Voight seemed shaken, looking between Jay and Erin. Jay's smile dropped as Voight stood up in front of them. He looked Jay in the eyes before his face became softer.

"You better take good care of them, kid." Voight said smiling. He hugged Erin and then to Jay's surprise, he hugged him too. "You're going to have to take it easy from now on."

"I'll be fine, I can go out with the team."

"I don't need you getting hurt or something, this decision isn't up for discussion. You'll be on desk duty up here or you can be at home."

Erin reluctantly agreed to desk duty. They all turned out into the bullpen smiling.

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"Are you serious?" Ruzek asked, clearly excited.

"Yeah man, we are." Jay said chuckling. Erin looked at her boyfriend, she had never seen him this happy or excited. Everyone came to give their congrats to the future parents.

"We need to go, suit up." Voight ordered to the team, looking down at his phone. Everyone but Erin left to go get their vests on. Jay gave her a kiss before running after the guys and leaving Erin alone. The silence overtook her as she sat down at her desk, alone in the bullpen.

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	10. Chapter 10

**Two chapters in one night because I hated the last chapter. Enjoy :)**

The unit came back into the bullpen about 3 hours later, no one speaking. The only sound coming from the scuffs of their shoes or the heavy stomping up the stairs. Voight went straight for his office and slammed the door behind him. Ruzek went into the break room while Al, Atwater and Jay went to their desks. Erin had sat at her desk doing paperwork, not being distracted by anything, until the mood became somber with the arrival of her unit.

Erin attempted to make eye contact with Jay trying to figure out why everyone was so quiet but his gaze was fixed on his desk. A few minutes passed and she went to stand up before her attention was shifted to Voight who came back out of his office, clearly pissed. He slapped a photo of a kid on the board.

"Logan Matthews. 4. Cause of death, unknown, family whereabouts unknown. Lindsay, I know you're on desk duty, but I need you to go to the morgue, find out anything. You can go alone." Voight went back into his office. Erin sat confused at her desk. What happened to this kid? Is this why the unit is so silent? Why is she going alone? With the millions of questions going through her mind, she grabbed her jacket and left the bullpen.

The drive to the morgue was quick, probably because she was so engrossed in her thoughts. As she made her way into the building, the always poignant environment took over her, as it always did. This place meant death and grief. It meant loss and tears, families being ripped apart from each other. Erin stood up straight as she showed her badge to the receptionist.

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"Logan Matthews, 4. Cause of death is blunt force trauma to the head, he bled out." The coroner's voice sounded melancholy and monotonous. Children's deaths always had a negative impact on everyone.

"Find anything else?" Erin said clearing her throat. She knew why everyone was so quiet now. This four-year-old was the size of a two-year-old. His chest and cheek bones protruded too much from his body. He was extremely pale and there wasn't an ounce of fat on him. The trauma to his head made everything else look better. It took up most of his skull, the stitches were the only thing Erin could look at since he barely had any hair.

"He's malnourished." The coroner took a deep breath before moving the sheet from the boy's chest to his hips. "Lots of bruising, few cracked ribs, some healed. He's got cuts all over him, probably from a knife. No mistake that he was abused."

All Erin wanted to do was leave and go throw up. Seeing the boy made her stomach twist and turn in knots. She tried to focus on her task as she took notes in her memo book. She managed to say a muffled thanks as she left. On her drive back, she realized why she was sent, she was the only one to not see the crime scene.

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Walking up the stairs, not much had changed. Ruzek was trying to make jokes with Atwater and Olinsky, the best thing he could do in circumstances like this. Voight was in his office and Jay was in the break room getting coffee.

When Voight saw Erin, he came out of his office which signalled everyone to hover around the board. As Erin got closer to the board, she noticed some added photos and information. Father: Jake. Mother: Wendy. Brother: Austin. She also got her first look at the crime scene. Dried blood all over the floor, a small mattress meant for a baby covered in urine. The room was small and dark, she thought she could even smell the room. Erin swallowed the lump in her throat.

Once she finished giving all her information to the team, she ran out of the bullpen. The bile from her stomach was burning her throat and she needed to get to a trash can quickly. As she emptied out her stomach, she felt a cold cloth on the back of her neck.

"You okay?" His voice was soft, he was clearly hurting.

She was breathing hard and she was sweating. She took a while to bring her face out of the trash can just in case a round two was coming. She took the cloth from him and rubbed her face with it. Finally she looked at him, not knowing what to say. The blue eyes that she would always get lost in couldn't do their power this time.

He brought her into his chest and held her. The abuse the boy endured reminded her too much of her childhood with her father, always taking the abuse so Teddy wouldn't have to when their mom was knocked out. Little did she know, it was all too familiar to him too.

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	11. Chapter 11

"Patrol found the wife and kid near the Riverwalk, they're coming up now. Al, you and me with the wife, Jay stay with the kid." Voight didn't even look at anyone as he locked his gun away and proceeded to the interrogation room, it had been a long and exhausting day for him. Erin watched Jay as he took Austin into the break room and she gave him a comforting smile which he returned.

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Wendy sat in the chair with her hands cuffed on top of the table.

"We can do this all night if you want to, I've got time." Voight was becoming impatient but he tried to play it off like he was indifferent, he was good at it.

"I already told you I wasn't going to say shit until I got a lawyer." She looked horrible, the bags under her eyes were dark, her eyes were bloodshot and it looked like she hadn't slept in forever. The smell of alcohol coming from her was overwhelming. There was no doubt that she was also high, her eyes were extremely glossy. Voight scoffed at her comment.

Erin watched from behind the two-way mirror and she couldn't believe what she was witnessing. Sitting in that chair was a younger version of Bunny. She had the same vacant look in her eyes, her hands shook because she didn't have any pills to take… she needed those pills. Erin knew all too well.

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" _Mommy, mommy, are you okay? Please wake up!" 6-year-old Erin was shaking her mother who was passed out on the floor. She had to be quiet, her dad was asleep on the couch after a night of binge-drinking, he was scary when he was drunk. Teddy's cries drew her away from her mother._

" _Teddy, you gotta be quiet. If daddy wakes up he's gonna hurt me again like last time." As if Teddy understood, he stopped crying immediately and looked at Erin, smiling and laughing. "Thanks Teddy." But she must've been too late because she heard him grunt behind her._

" _WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY ABOUT THAT BABY?! GIVE 'EM TO ME. I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO KILL HIM TONIGHT!" Erin's dad charged towards her. On instinct Erin put Teddy down on the ground like she always did and she tried to stop her raging father._

" _I'm sorry, it's my fault. Don't hurt him!" Erin cried._

 _Erin's dad looked down towards her and picked her up aggressively by the arms. Erin had never seen him this angry, she was scared. He threw Erin to the ground and she hit her head upon impact, she blacks out._

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"Do you need anything?" Jay was being really cautious, he knew how overwhelming everything can be for a kid. Austin shook his head, not making any eye contact with Jay. He stared out the window hoping Jay would leave him alone.

Austin looked a lot healthier than Logan, but some of their features resembled each other. He had significant muscle for a 12-year-old and his cheeks were pink and full of life. It wasn't cold but he was shaking, Jay knew out of fear. He could tell that Austin wasn't comfortable around him as he kept avoiding his gaze.

Jay looked into the empty bullpen before he took a breath and approached Austin. Austin visibly tensed up as Jay got closer.

"Hey… it's okay. If you need help with anything you can tell me. You're safe here." Jay's breath shook as he spoke, he just wished he had someone to talk to when he was a kid. He knew how difficult it would be for Austin to come out about his life because he had never had enough courage to do so himself. Austin just shook his head and Jay could hear his breaths getting quicker. Jay sat down on the table in front of Austin.

"Where do you go to school?" Austin finally looked Jay in the eyes to give his answer, out of respect.

"I go to a military school outside the city, got shipped off after I was caught shoplifting. I'm home for break." He returned his gaze outside the window as he finished speaking. Austin was being extremely stubborn, not speaking more than needed and not opening up the conversation. Jay learned that technique too while he was in the military.

"How long you been there?"

"Like a year."

Jay nodded. He knew that the easiest way to find out what happened to Logan was through Austin. Austin quickly wiped some sweat that was coming down the side of his face. His hand was still shaking.

"It's okay to be nervous, I would be too talking to a cop." Jay smiled down at Austin, who finally took his gaze away from outside and towards Jay's general direction. "Do you know about anything that happened this morning?"

Austin was considering whether or not he wanted to answer, he swallowed hard. Finally, he decided to speak up. "They'll have my head." His voice shook as he looked into Jay's eyes.

"If something happened this morning, or if you know where your dad is, I need to know." Jay was so soft spoken that his voice was barely audible. He needed to be gentle. He remembered his childhood as he looked down at Austin, gentle was a complete 180 of what Jay's life was.

Austin shook his head, tears started to fall from his eyes. He rested his head in his hands. Jay got up off the table, squatting next to the chair and rubbed Austin's back, trying to console him.

"Hey… You can trust me. If you're not ready to talk about this morning, that's okay. I just need to know where your dad is, that's going to help us out a lot."

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"He's here every night before he goes home." Jay was whispering to the unit outside the bar. The plan was for him and Atwater to approach the suspect while Voight, Ruzek and Al covered the exits.

Jay and Kevin walked in, spotting the father sitting at the bar, 4 or 5 whiskey's deep. Jay sat on his left side and Kevin on his right.

"What'll you two have?" The bartender asked.

"We're good, just hanging out." Kevin said as he looked at Jake. The bartender left to get someone else their drinks.

"How about we hop up, bud." Jay said looking down at Jake as he stood up, his badge visible on his hip.

Jake looked Jay up and down, smiling, before swinging. Jay managed to avoid the punch, but just barely. Kevin managed to tackle Jake and pin him to the ground to handcuff him. When Kevin brought Jake back up to eye level, he was still smiling.

"You think it's funny beating on some kids? Don't worry, you'll be feeling it soon too." Jay was beyond pissed. He couldn't help but see flashbacks and his father's menacing figure standing in front of him. He had to shake the thought out of his head to return to reality.

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Jay watched two patrolmen escort the parents in handcuffs down the stairs from his desk. Austin later followed them out with a DCFS social worker. Jay smiled at him as he left, his heart hurting for him.

"Molly's?" Ruzek asked Erin and Jay. Both shook their heads no.

"Hey I'm going to need to stop by somewhere before we go home, if you want to come that's fine." Jay sounded very monotonous, his personality lacking from his voice. Erin looked up at Jay's face. He had dark circles underneath his eyes, he looked very tired. She nodded her head yes and tried to give him a comforting smile.

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They drove through the graveyard on the desolate road. Erin had been here many times, the last time being Nadia's death. The car came to an abrupt stop which brought her out of her thoughts. She looked over to the driver seat to see Jay looking expectantly at her.

They got out of the car and walked for a little bit. She wasn't sure whose tombstone they would be visiting tonight, until he bent down in front of one. He brushed his fingers along the name and dates, cleaning them off of the dust and dirt that had collected since the last time he came. He felt the the letters that his fingertips would run over. He took a breath before he let his head fall, his eyes looking at the ground, letting his tears fall.

Erin carefully approached him, putting a hand on his shoulder. She knew he needed comfort, but she wasn't entirely sure why since Jay kept his life extremely private. The date etched on the tombstone didn't match with that day. No words needed to be spoken, right now, she was his rock.

After a few minutes, they got up to leave. Jay holding her hand and leading the way. She took one last look at the tombstone: _Moira Halstead. Beloved Wife, Mother, Sister and Daughter. August 12 1960 - May 6 2011._

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	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I think I need someone to partner up with me and this story. Msg me on my Tumblr Halsteadpd if interested and why you think you'd be a good fit. Doesn't have to be long, cheers.**

Two months later…

"Erin, are you ready to go yet?" Jay was waiting in the living room for Erin to get dressed. They had to go to a doctor's appointment before work today.

"None of my pants fit!"

He laughed to himself. Erin was still trying to squeeze herself into her usual jeans every morning, knowing she wouldn't be able to get them on. He admired her persistence though, one of the many things he loved about her.

She was now 4 months pregnant and they would be able to find out the sex of the baby today. They had talked for weeks on the pros and cons of finding out the sex. In the end, they decided finding out early was best suited for them.

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"So, how are you two today?" The doctor would always ask that question in her cheery attitude every time Jay and Erin were due for an appointment.

"We're good." Erin smiled.

"So, would you like to find out if you're having a boy or girl today?"

Jay smiled down at Erin, he was so nervous that his heart wanted to jump out of his chest. "Yes please."

The doctor squeezed the gel on Erin's stomach, and although she was only 4 months along, she was huge. This baby definitely had the Halstead height.

"Okay so here's the baby, there's the head, we can see a little nose. Two little hands. He or she seems to be sitting on their feet, we can't see them."

Jay chuckled, seeing his baby on the ultrasound screen made his stomach flip a thousand times. The doctor continued to point to the ultrasound screen as she took some screenshots, showing them their child's different body parts. Jay was beginning to get impatient, he barely got any sleep the night before because he was so excited.

"So right here is where we would see a penis if it was a boy, but since it's not there, you're having a girl!" The doctor handed Jay the newly printed out pictures while cleaning Erin's belly with a towel.

Jay bent down towards Erin and kissed her. Both of them were smiling ear-to-ear, Erin had tears going down her cheeks. Jay didn't know how to react, this moment was all too surreal for him. Although he was apprehensive of the future, he couldn't wait to meet his bundle of joy, it would just be a waiting game for him.

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At the district, they showed everyone the photos of the ultrasound. Voight had tears in his eyes as he looked at the black and white images presented to him. He was due to have a total of 2 grandbabies now, he couldn't wait, he only wished Camille was here with him. She would've been so proud to see the lady Erin had become and no doubt would she have grown fond of Jay.

After about an hour of baby talk, the team needed to head out. Erin was to be strictly on desk duty now. Her vest didn't fit over her bump anyways. Today she had to cover for Platt downstairs, a change in environment which she didn't mind.

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"Garcia, you need to head out to Lincoln Park, something about a naked guy on the park bench." Erin had to suppress her smile when she heard the call come in for back-up.

The front desk was extremely slow, she couldn't understand how Platt did this everyday for a living. She was engrossed in paper work but would often get distracted when a perp was dragged through the lobby, thinking it was her unit coming back.

She was once again distracted by a commotion by the door. She walked around the desk and towards the door to see what was happening. As she approached the scene of the noise, she was grabbed, an arm around her neck, and a gun to her temple.

"Try anything, and I'll shoot." The voice came from a male, but he couldn't have been too old. Looking around at her surroundings, she noticed 1 middle aged male and one middle aged female also pointing their guns at the police officers around them.

"If anyone shoots, she dies," the woman's voice was loud.

The man holding Erin managed to make it into the commander's empty office, still holding her around her neck. He forcibly threw her to the ground, which is when she saw his face. He couldn't have been older than 18, his facial features were soft and he was growing in a stubble beard. His eyes were blue, almost like Jay's, and they were full of tears. His breathing was heavy, he was scared.

"We need 2 million dollars, and a chopper out of here. Nothing should be rigged, or else she dies, you got 3 hours" the middle aged man's voice sounded malicious. The man escorted his wife into the office and slammed the door shut before looking at Erin.

He scoffed, "good choice son, she's pregnant, we can kidnap her and make even more of a profit." He approached Erin and took the gun out of her holster and put it in his waistband. "Get down, move something in front of the door, we just have to wait now."

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His blood ran cold when he saw all the units stationed outside the district. There were snipers, patrolmen, detectives and obviously, commander Crowley. It reminded him all too well of when Mouse was taken hostage. He quickly parked the car in the middle of the street and ran inside, oblivious to Voight screaming his name. As he got up the stairs, all he could see were patrolmen and swat pointing their guns towards the office door.

He couldn't see inside the office, the blinds were closed. He had no idea how Erin was doing, his throat was burning. He needed to keep blinking his tears away, not letting them fall. Voight approached him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. All Jay knew was that he needed to get _her._

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Before Jay's arrival, Erin went to go reach down for her cell phone. It was in an uncomfortable position in her pant pocket and it was stabbing into her hip. The middle-aged man, Kyle, noticed her slight movements. He took the butt of his gun and whacked Erin on the head with it. She was unconscious for 15 minutes.

When she woke up, her vision was blurred and she could feel blood running down her face and into her mouth. The taste of death. Everyone's attention was drawn outside when they heard a man yelling. " _What the fuck do you mean?!"_ She was the only one out of the four who knew who's voice it was. It was _him._

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"What the fuck do you mean?!" Jay was livid. He knew it was in Erin's nature to try to de-escalate any situation but he didn't understand why everyone stood around when she was apprehended. His gaze was shifted to the office door which was now opening. All the units got ready, in case they had a clear shot.

Kyle emerged in the door with Erin being choked by his arm, and his gun on her head. "You guys only have half the allotted time left, you might want to hurry because I don't think she'll make it the full 3 hours." He laughed as he slammed to door again.

Jay felt weak on his legs. She was scared, she was helpless, and she was bleeding. He needed to get to her, but even he knew he wouldn't be able to do that. He couldn't take his eyes off of the door, he had to be dragged upstairs into the bullpen.

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	13. Chapter 13

"Sarge, what're we gonna do?" Ruzek was the only one who could speak up. Everyone else was standing in a circle, quiet.

"We're not going to give anything to him, we're gonna give him the illusion we are. I'm going to call in a chopper so he can hear it, and when they leave the office, whoever doesn't have Erin will be apprehended, the one who does isn't gonna be as lucky. If we gotta shoot all of them then that's what we gotta do."

The unit looked around at each other, none of them speaking. The environment was somber, everyone's eyes on Jay. He didn't take his eyes off of the floor the entire time, focusing on making sure the tears in his eyes didn't fall. As everyone grabbed their guns, Jay approached Voight.

"Sarge, if anyone should be taking that shot, it's me." His voice shook as he spoke, not so much out of fear, but out of anger. He couldn't remember the last time he was this angry.

"I agree, you're the best shot here. Don't let your emotions come in the way, I want my detective taking the shot, not my future son-in-law."

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The helicopter flying above vibrated everything in the district. It was loud, no question on whether or not everyone on the block heard it.

"Your money is in the chopper, no games. You can get on it on the roof, just give me back my detective." Voight's voice sounded eerily calm, almost as if nothing was happening.

"Back away from the door, we want a clear path or else we shoot her!"

The four of them came out of the office, Erin once again being choked by Kyle's forearm. The blood was still flowing out of the gash on her head which made Jay cringe. He rested his gun on the front desk and covered his lower body with it.

"You can get to the roof from the stairs on the left side. Let go of her now." Jay sounded as if he was begging, he couldn't bare to see her in this much pain.

Kyle smiled realizing, he turned to his wife: "oh, well I guess we found the baby daddy." His grip of Erin tightened even more as he dragged her with him, not breaking eye contact with Jay, he was smiling.

Jay took a quick look at Voight through his peripherals, he saw that Voight was nodding his head, subtly. He wasn't even sure if it was a go ahead but he didn't hesitate, he remembered Erin being tied down on the bed and with how much composure he shot the man holding the knife to her throat. This was no different. The bullet hit Kyle right in between the eyes, Jay's "signature shot". Both Erin and Kyle drop to the floor while Kyle's wife and son watch in horror as they are being apprehended by swat.

Jay makes his way over the front desk picking up Erin. Gabby and Brett were already on scene to get her to Med. Jay and Gabby rode in back with Erin lying on the gurney, almost unconscious. The ride to Med seemed like an eternity, all he could do was hopelessly watch Gabby apply pressure to Erin's wound.

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"Female, head trauma, CPD is in the house! Halstead this one's you!" Maggie's voice travelled around the ED. "Take her into Baghdad."

Jay looked up from Erin towards Maggie, his fear was evident. "Only cause she's CPD."

"Talk to me, what happened?" Will needed to focus on his task at hand, he couldn't afford to get distracted by anything, especially his brother who was breathing over his shoulder.

"She was taken hostage, she got hit with something while she was in there, I think a gun." Will could hear the desperation in Jay's voice, he needed him out of the room.

"Maggie, could you get him outta here." Maggie grabbed Jay's arm but Jay refused to move.

"C'mon Jay, let him work." Her voice was soothing, Jay was hesitant to leave, it took him a few seconds to get feeling in his legs.

"Will, just make sure she and the baby make it… please." His voice broke as he ended his sentence and walked out.

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The unit sat around in the waiting room, just as they did when Burgess was shot. Time was going at snail's pace. Whenever the doors to the ED opened, Jay's eyes shot towards it, hoping he'd see his brother but being disappointed when it wasn't. Hours had passed before Will came out, his arms had a little bit of blood on them where his gloves didn't reach, Erin's blood.

"She's doing fine, I put a few stitches in her head on the gash, 14 to be exact. The baby is looking healthy. She did lose a lot of blood though, it took me some time to control the bleeding so we gave her a couple of bags. Other than that she'll be admitted for the night. She's asking for you." Will smiled at the unit who surrounded Jay before leaving. Jay looked over to Voight who nodded for him to go.

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"I'm never letting you out of my sight again."

"You sound like Voight when he first took me in." She was very groggy and tired, barely keeping her eyes open. Her voice was raspier than usual.

"I don't know what I'd do without you babe. You really scared me." He blinked away the tears that were forming in his eyes.

"But I'm okay, I lived." She chuckled at her comment. She was in a lot of pain since she refused any pain killers because of the baby and she was afraid she'd relapse again like last time.

"How about you sleep? You look horrible," Jay had been with her in her room all afternoon. Voight had given him a few days off to take care of Erin.

"Well thanks, every girl wants to hear that," she smiled. Jay took the extra blankets Erin had requested and tucked her in. He sat in the chair next to the bed, holding her hand. He lulled her to sleep drawing slow circles on her hand with his thumb, like he always did. He watched her sleep that night, his mind engrossed with millions of thoughts, more specifically his thoughts were about the red velvet box that had been in his pocket all day.

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	14. Chapter 14

**Hey! How have you been?! Just letting you know I'm posting a new story along with this one, maybe delayed by a day give or take! Please check it out. Enjoy :)**

In the morning, Erin was discharged from the hospital. Will had given Jay and Erin instructions on at-home care and told them to call if they needed anything. Jay told Erin he would bring a wheelchair but her stubborn attitude was the one to prevail, like always. He was given a few days off to take care of Erin, he was all hers.

Upon getting home from the hospital, Erin was in unbearable pain. Her head was killing her and the bumps on the ride home were no help. Jay insisted on calling Will or going back to the hospital but she refused. She went straight for the shower after getting through the door, she needed to wash off the previous day's grime.

She was in the bathroom for over 30 minutes, engrossed in her thoughts, letting the water pour down her body. She was brought out of them when she heard a soft knocking on the door.

"Erin, are you alright?" She could hear the worry in his voice. She moved the shower curtain to expose her face, he was in the doorway waiting for her answer. He had a concerned look on his face, and he had his eyebrow raised, like always.

"Yeah I'm fine, was just thinking about some stuff."

He smiled his comforting smile and closed the door behind him. Erin turned off the water and grabbed her towel. As she dried herself off she got her first look at the gash on her head. It was stitched up and bruised. She couldn't take her eyes off of it, then she felt a kick. The baby had been kicking a lot recently, Erin's attention usually went to the baby when she moved, it was difficult not to. She smiled and got dressed.

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"So, what would you like for dinner? A Halstead special?"

Erin came and sat down on a bar stool, smiling at Jay, she loved seeing him in his house husband nature.

"Saying it in that tone of voice makes it sound like you have more than one good dish. Just because you can make really good pasta doesn't make you a chef." She giggled as he put his hands on his hips.

"Well excuse me, but why do you always eat everything I cook, you always love my cooking!"

"That's because you're a better cook than me, and I'm always hungry. But I'll definitely take the pasta."

He turned away to face the stove, grinning victoriously.

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The next couple of days were filled with relaxing. They decided to watch all the Star Wars movies, it was mostly Jay watching because Erin would sometimes nod off, the 3 prequel movies weren't all too interesting anyways.

Erin also loved to see Jay in his 'military' manner. He kept everything clean and in place. Nothing was out of line when Jay was around. Dishes would be put away, garbage was taken out, and the laundry was always folded and put away. She would watch him vacuum from the couch and it reminded her of when Camille would clean the house.

"What're you smiling at?" Erin was brought out of her thoughts. Jay turned the vacuum off and faced her.

She chuckled before answering, "you make a really hot house husband you know, vacuuming the floor is really turning me on."

He cringed, turning his face away to continue cleaning. Erin laughed at his reaction.

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The following week, Erin was ready to go back to work. Her stitches had been taken out and the headaches had stopped. It happened in the morning before work, their first big fight.

Erin's hormones had really started to take a toll on her. Her attitudes were never consistent and they changed out of the blue. The night before she cried when the Blackhawks lost.

" _You know you don't have to cry, right? They're still in first place."_

" _Yeah but I can't believe they lost!"_

" _They'll win the next one."_

" _You don't know that!" Jay was laughing at her reaction._

However, this morning Jay was met with pure anger.

"Let me help you out, Erin. There's nothing wrong with help, especially when you're pregnant."

"Jay, for the millionth time I don't need your help! And I especially don't need your help when you're calling me fat."

"Excuse me, but I didn't call you fat! I don't need you straining yourself and ending up in bed for the next month."

"Oh, am I too much of a burden for you? I'll drive myself to work today then." With that she slammed the door and left Jay standing alone in the apartment.

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He was still pretty pissed when he came into work but he had cooled down a bit. He made his way into the bullpen which consisted of Al and Ruzek talking in a corner, and Erin at her desk. He took off his jacket and put it on the back on his chair, trying to get her to make eye contact with him. He gave up when she didn't look up from her paperwork and bent down to turn on his computer.

She stole a glance at him as he was bending down before saying something. "Halstead, Voight wants to speak with you."

When she spoke his head shot up. She said his last name only, she was clearly still pissed. He walked into Voight's office and closed the door behind him. She didn't look at him the entire time.

"What's going on with you and Lindsay?"

"W-what nothing. We just had a disagreement this morning. We'll be fine."

"Stay on your toes, I don't need a love-sick detective on me."

'Yes sir." With that he walked out the door. He continued to look over at her but she wouldn't budge.

 _Two can play this game,_ he thought.

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	15. Chapter 15

During that week…

They both managed to avoid each other at all costs, even at home. Jay slept in the spare bedroom while Erin stayed in the master. One morning Jay was in the bathroom and when he walked out he almost crashed into her. They both mumbled an almost inaudible "sorry" to each other and continued on with their day. One thing he always did though, was make her dinner every night. He saw it as a way to tell her he wasn't mad, but his pride always got in the way so he never told her. They would go home and go to work at different times. When at home, they wouldn't stay in the same room together. The silence between them was unbearable.

It all changed that night. It was about 2:30am. Jay was sound asleep in the spare bedroom while Erin was sleeping in their normal bed.

" _She's out on an errand… she went to go pick up your birthday cake." Once Jay had finished speaking Erin was already on her phone._

" _Straight to voicemail."_

 _The scene suddenly changed and they were on a beach. The clouds almost served as a metaphor to her life at the moment, gray and gloomy. She had some hope that they wouldn't find her body, that she was still alive somewhere. Until she hears him._

" _Hey, Sarge! … We found her."_

 _The vacant look in her eyes. The paleness of her naked body against the sand. The blood coming out of her nose. It was all too much for her to handle._

She woke up, sweating and panting very loudly.

"Nadia, Nadia where are you?!" She was hallucinating, she couldn't get out of her mind. A large silhouette started to approach her, it was that of a man's. He was very quick on his feet. She was scared. She thought it was Greg Yates in her bedroom, coming back to finish the job and kill her too.

"Get away from me!" She reached for her gun but it wasn't there, she must've forgotten it on the dresser again. She would back up as the man kept getting closer.

"Erin, relax it's me. It's Jay." He came running out of his bedroom when he heard her screaming. He managed to corner her in the bedroom which was not his intention. She was crying uncontrollably now.

"Erin, babe relax. It's not real, it was just a dream." He was timid, she wasn't in a good position right now and he wasn't sure if she was still mad at him. He finally stood in front of her, she was crying into her knees. He bent down and put a hand on her left one.

"Babe, you're okay. It's okay." He didn't know how to comfort her, this had never happened before and she had never opened herself up to him about Nadia. He was never good at comforting anyone.

He moved her knees down and brought her head into his chest. She was still crying and it didn't look like she was going to stop anytime soon.

"Erin, let's get you back to bed, you're freezing." Surprisingly she obliged.

He sat holding her, her tears making his bare chest wet. Her crying had stopped but the occasional sob would escape. She was gripping his hand tightly, not wanting him to leave. He drew small circles on her lower back with his thumb. He knew what the dream was about, her screams for Nadia made it clear to him. He couldn't help but remember Erin's relapse when Nadia died. He specifically remembered the dark circles under her eyes after confronting her at the club in the morning. He couldn't lose her, again.

"Please don't leave me, Jay." She was pleading with him, she had never sounded so broken.

He gently kissed her on the temple, "I'd never do that." She exhaled deeply when he finished speaking.

She cuddled into his chest and soon both of them were asleep.

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	16. Chapter 16

Two months later…

Erin is now 30 weeks pregnant and Voight had sent her off for maternity leave. She gets to sleep in a lot which she doesn't mind. During her time off, she decided to do baby shopping whenever she could. Most of her days shopping were with Burgess on her days off since Jay wasn't too big of a fan to shop.

"How about this one?" Burgess was smiling as she held up the little onesie.

"My Daddy is Jealous… I had boobies for breakfast and he didn't," Erin was laughing. "Kim I don't think that's something I can dress her in."

"Fine, I'll find another cute one."

Erin picked up another onesie and smiled as she read it. "I think this one's cute." The onesie was white with gold writing on the front. It read: I found my prince, his name is Daddy.

All this baby shopping filled Erin with a warm feeling. She didn't get this feeling often but she remembers the exact moment she had it for the first time.

 _She was hesitant to show up at his place, she didn't know how he'd react. She was greeted with his smile after she knocked on his door and she could see that he was watching the press conference, her press conference, on the TV._

" _Do you want to talk about your day?" He looked at her expectantly as they stood behind his couch._

 _She sighed. "Not really."_

 _The feeling of his lips against hers was that of comfort and security. As she ran her hands through his hair, a warm feeling had erupted in her stomach and it was slowly creeping into her chest._

"Erin… you okay?" Kim's voice had brought her back to reality.

She smiled, "yeah, I'm fine."

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"So we were chasing him through the alley and I was right on his heels, I had him. Then out of nowhere, he turns around and takes a swing at me and it totally caught me off guard." Jay came home from work supporting a black eye.

"Did you at least get him?"

"Well the punch definitely knocked the wind out of me so it took me some time to regain my balance. But then after that you know how your favourite man is." He approached Erin smiling. She was cutting up some vegetables and he crept up behind her, putting his hands on her bump. He rested his head on her shoulder.

"Does it hurt?"

"A little, it's not too bad." He was lying, it was throbbing and the pain was killing him but he didn't want to admit it. She turned around to face him, smiling.

"Well maybe this can make it better." She brought his head down and got on the tips of her toes to reach. She planted a kiss on the side of his eye, almost on his cheekbone.

"I think I got punched here too," he said pointing to his lips. She laughed at his comment before kissing his lips too. She couldn't help but smile when she kissed him.

"I'm going to take a shower before dinner," he gave her a final kiss before heading to the bedroom, leaving Erin alone in the kitchen.

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"Smells good in here." Jay returned from his shower 20 minutes later, his hair glistening with water and he was wearing no shirt.

"Well I did follow your recipe so it wasn't entirely me."

Erin was setting the table as Jay turned to the TV, looking for something to watch with dinner. A crash of a plate on the ground made him shudder as he quickly turned around.

"Erin, what's wrong, what happened?" She was clearly in pain and shock.

"Um, Jay…I think my water just broke."

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	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: This will probably be my last update of the year. Also, my new story '6:05pm' has been posted. Thanks for reading!**

The ride in the back of the ambulance was quick yet stressing. Upon arrival, Natalie met them in the room with an OB-GYN that they had not met before. Erin was quickly hooked up to machines that monitored her blood pressure and heart beat and something was placed around her waist for monitoring the baby.

"She's only 30 weeks, isn't that too early?" Jay's voice shook as he spoke to Nat.

"It is a little bit earlier than we'd like so we will find out when the baby is here." Her main goal was to calm him down, she had dealt with one Halstead before so she knew how to control the other one.

"She's dilated to 2cm only. Let's get her up to the ward, she might be able to do it naturally if we give her time or else it'll be a c-section." The OB-GYN spoke to the nurse quickly.

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The pain in his hand was unbearable, she was literally squeezing the life out of it. He talked her through yet another contraction to the best of his ability. After about 3 hours, she had dilated to 8cm, she was almost ready to deliver. Both of them were exhausted but the idea of meeting their new baby girl kept them excited.

"Wait, Jay, are we 100% sure about the name? We can't just change it later on in life."

He chuckled, "for the 100th time Erin, yes. We talked about it for months."

"But two middle names, isn't that too many?"

"Erin, stop worrying. It'll be fine. And it was your idea!"

Just as he finished his sentence Erin began squeezing his hand again.

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"When I tell you to push, put your chin to your chest and push using your hips. If you push with your face you'll exhaust yourself." Erin's regular doctor had made it to the hospital to deliver the baby.

Jay sat next to Erin and held her right hand in both of his. He would give it comforting kisses when he felt like she needed them. He was sure his own hand would be broken by the end of the night, but he knew she was in so much more pain than him.

"Okay, take a deep breath… now push.' Erin pushed with the remaining energy she had left in her, she didn't know how long she could go.

"Okay, take a break, take a few breaths." Erin rested her head on the back of the chair she was sitting/lying on. Jay stood up and kissed her temple.

"You're doing fine babe, we're almost there."

"We're never having kids again, I swear."

"Whatever you'd like."

"Okay Erin, I'm going to need you to push again, I'm starting to see the baby's head." Jay smiled as he sat back down. Once again Erin pushed as hard as she could, listening to Jay's encouragements didn't help at all so she ignored him.

"I'm seeing the head and the eyes. Erin one big push and you'll get past the nose which is the hardest part." Jay stood up, he tried to look over the sheet that was covering Erin's lower body. He was brought back down when she pulled at his arm. Suddenly, her pain started to dissipate a little bit.

"The nose is out, I need you to stop pushing. I need to check if the cord is clear of the baby's neck." Jay was really starting to get impatient, he was like a little kid who couldn't wait for anything. All he wanted to see was his baby's head.

"One last push should do it! C'mon Erin."

"I can't!"

Jay came eye level with Erin. He kissed her in between her eyes, softening the crease that was made in between her eyebrows. "You're good Erin. You're almost there."

Tears started to well in her eyes as she looked back into Jay's eyes. She had never experienced so much pain before but she knew she needed to get through it, not only for herself but for him. As she pushed, a loud cry filled the room. She fully relaxed and let the tears fall down her cheeks. Jay tried his best to comfort her but he was too excited.

"Dad, would you like to cut the cord?"

Jay wiped the tears that were welling in his own eyes. He looked down at his daughter and he couldn't believe what he was witnessing. Here was his daughter, half of him and half of the woman he loved so much. He could barely speak since he was getting choked up. "Yes please."

The nurses started to clean up the baby. Jay stayed with Erin, trying to comfort her but his gaze was at the small baby at the far end of the room.

"Go see her, stay there." Erin's voice was filled with exhaustion but the oxytocin that was getting released into her blood was soothing away the pain. He quickly hurried to see his child. He had never seen something so small and it filled his heart with so much joy.

"She's early, how's she doing?"

"She's looks 100% fine, a little bit small but she's looking healthy. 5 pounds 2 oz. The doctor will be by once she's finished with Erin to do a full check up. Would you like to hold your daughter dad?" Jay quickly nodded his head, he had waited almost 9 months for this moment but as the nurse picked up his baby, anxiety set in.

The baby had a small pink hat on and was wrapped into a tiny blanket. Her head was literally smaller than Jay's palm. The nurse handed her off to Jay and adjusted his arms so he could properly support the baby's head.

"A-am I doing this right?" This was easily the scariest moment in Jay's life.

The nurse laughed. "You're doing fine, dad."

He brought the baby over to Erin and rested her onto Erin's chest. She cried as she took in the features of their new child.

"How about we try some skin-to-skin contact?" one of the nurses proposed. Erin excitedly nodded. She watched the nurse carefully undress the little baby. Their daughter had Jay's hair colour. It looked to Erin that she had Jay's eyes as well but she couldn't manage to keep her eyes open long enough for her to be 100% sure.

"Do you two have a name picked out yet?" Jay smiled at Erin before he spoke up. It took him a while to find his voice.

"Elizabeth Moira Camille Halstead." Finally the tears fell from Jay's eyes, he didn't care about whether or not he wanted to stop them anymore, this was the best day of his life.

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 **Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Happy New Year!**

Ventricular septal defect. The words were ringing in the new parent's ears followed by the words 'normal' and 'heart surgery'.

"The hole is too large, it won't close on its own so we will have to open up the chest and stitch it shut. She will be under local anesthetic and she will be on a heart-lung machine during the procedure. The septum which divides the heart down the middle keeps oxygenated and deoxygenated blood from mixing. When someone has a hole in their septum, the blood is mixing."

Tears were falling down Erin's cheeks. Jay stood next to her bed with his arms crossed over his chest. He had just held his baby not 2 hours ago and here he was listening to how his child would need surgery.

"What are the risks with this surgery?" Jay finally managed to speak up after clearing his throat.

"There's a number of things like blood clots, excessive bleeding or infection, but that can all be handled. She needs to have this procedure done."

Jay looked down at Erin and held her hand tightly. "If you agree to the surgery I will need you to sign here."

The doctor passed Jay a clipboard and pen. He looked down at the papers and immediately noticed the word 'death' in the risks section. He looked towards Erin who was nodding towards him. He took a deep breath and signed on the dotted line before handing the papers back.

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When the doctor left, he sat down in the chair that was next to Erin's bed. They rested their foreheads against each other, saying no words. The doctor had said that a nurse would bring Elizabeth to them before they would start the surgery. He listened to Erin's sobs and couldn't help but let his own tears fall.

They were interrupted by the nurse who had Elizabeth in a portable crib. "I'll give you three a few minutes before I have to take her up to the OR."

Jay bent down and picked up his awake daughter. She smiled at him when she saw him coming closer to her.

"Hi, baby.' Jay kissed her forehead before he came back to Erin's bedside and placed Elizabeth in Erin's arms. She looked her baby up and down, taking in all of her features as if this was the last time she would see her. Erin couldn't walk yet because she had some major bleeding after the birth. She could only spend time with her child in her bed, and she would make good use of the time.

Jay played with the band around his daughter's ankle. He read it to himself. _Elizabeth Halstead. Mother: Erin Lindsay. Father: Jay Halstead. DOB: December 22nd, 2016. 5lbs 2oz._ He also intently took in her features. Her foot was smaller than his pinkie finger and her legs were smaller in length than his forearms. He watched Erin pepper the baby with light kisses, so light that she was barely touching her. He smiled as the nurse came back into the room.

"Okay, the OR is ready. Mr. Halstead would you like to come drop her off with me?" Jay looked over at Erin who was still holding Elizabeth, but she was nodding towards him. He felt guilty. Erin wasn't allowed to leave the bed and she was worried sick about Elizabeth. She tried to stand up a couple of times only to be in too much pain and having to sit back down. He had never seen such a defeated Erin Lindsay.

Jay took the baby from Erin after she gave her one last kiss and placed her into the crib. He gave Erin a peck on the lips before he turned, only to be stopped by her holding him back. She had tears in the brim of her eyes and she was no longer smiling.

"Hey… she's going to be alright. She's a Halstead, she's a fighter." Jay tried his best trying to calm her down. He brought her into his chest and hugged her tight.

"We really need to get going." The nurse's voice interrupted them, but Jay gave Erin a comforting smile before leaving with the nurse.

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He watched his baby squirm under the blanket. She would squint her eyes every few seconds, he assumed the hospital lights were too bright for her. As they reached the operating room, Elizabeth had begun to cry. Jay looked over at the nurse who gave him a nod, signalling that he could pick her up and console her. Her cries had stopped as soon as Jay had picked her up, it must've been the father's touch.

"You can go in and set her down on the table."

"How long can I stay with her?"

"Until she falls asleep, then the doctor will begin the procedure."

Jay walked into the cold operating room. It looked just like the room Erin had given birth but there was no small bed to accommodate for a new baby. He sat Elizabeth down and kept his hand on her bare upper body. He watched the nurses put heart rate monitors around her body and something wrapping her foot. One nurse took her left arm and pricked it with a needle, only to make Elizabeth start crying again.

"Hey, it's okay. Daddy's here." He rubbed small circles on her belly trying to soothe away the pain she was having.

"You can rest her in your arms until she stops crying if you'd like." It took a few minutes for her crying to stop but when she did, he put her back on the table.

"Okay, we will give her the anesthetic now and she should be asleep in a couple of minutes." Jay watched from the side of the operating table. A mask was put over Elizabeth's nose and mouth. She squirmed a lot, much to Jay's joy.

"She's going to be an active kid," the anesthesiologist laughed. Finally, Elizabeth's eyelids began to fall and soon she was asleep. Her mask was removed for a few seconds so Jay could give her a kiss on her cheek.

"You can stay with your wife, any news or updates will be brought there."

Jay nodded his head and walked out of the OR. He stopped in an empty hallway on his way to Erin's room, leaning against the wall. His weight became too much for his legs to handle and he slid down the wall, sitting down on the floor. He ran his hands through his hair, exhaling heavily as he did. It took him a few minutes to regain his composure before standing up and heading to Erin's room.

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When he walked through the door, she was nowhere to be found. Her bed was empty but the sheets on her bed were covered in blood. The bathroom door was open so she wasn't in there. Jay quickly ran out of the room and looked up and down the hallway. With no luck of finding her, he ran over to the nurse's station.

"Excuse me, my girlfriend was in room 255 but she's not there anymore. Where is she?!"

"Erin Lindsay right?"

"Yes." Jay was frantic.

"She had a tear and she was dumping blood. She's in an emergency surgery to get it fixed up. She's on surgical floor, I believe you just took your baby up there?" Jay nodded and quickly gave a 'thanks' to the nurse before he was running towards the elevator again. His whole world was crashing down on him.

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	19. Chapter 19

**LMAO to the guest who had a choice of words on chapter 17. This chapter is for you :)**

 **Warning: Chapter involves topic of abuse.**

She dreamt during her surgery, it must've been all the drugs that were pumping through her blood. She wanted to wake up, bad. But she couldn't. She had to suffer.

 _The cigarette smoke was something she got used to. The smell came from her clothes, her hair and her bedsheets. She thought the smell had been permanently fused into her nostrils, but when she went to school, the smell would be gone, but it came from her._

 _She had one teddy bear that she played with. It was the only toy she had. She had it since forever, Bunny must've bought it for her when she was born. It used to be a brown, like a cardboard box. But now is was beginning to get black in some parts and there was a couple of holes where some cotton was falling out._

" _Mommy… mommy!" The 7-year-old Erin shook her mom awake. She had passed out early before dinner the night before and now it was 3 in the afternoon. Erin was beginning to get hungry. She had some Cheerios for dinner and a piece of toast for breakfast. She had nothing for lunch and decided she would wait for Bunny to wake up._

" _What the fuck do you want?!" Bunny woke up angrily._

" _It's afternoon, Teddy and I are hungry!"_

 _Bunny grunted as she got up from the couch. Her head was killing her. She looked around the small one-bedroom house, noting Teddy sitting playing on the carpet. Fear went through her body._

" _Where's your father? Is he still here?"_

" _He's in his room, he woke up once before and got mad before he took a bottle of your juice and went back to his room. It was a big bottle of juice."_

 _Bunny looked behind her into the kitchen. She knew she left a full bottle of whiskey on the countertop which was no longer there. She got up from the couch in an instant and ran over opening all the cupboards, they were bare except for a few plates and glasses. The kitchen sink was full of takeout boxes and dirty plates._

" _I guess the bitch is finally awake." Bunny shuddered at the cold voice coming from behind her. His words were slurred. It was normal for him to be drunk, but she had only seen him drunk this early a couple of times. This wasn't good._

" _James… James I'm sorry. I didn't know what happened!" She watched Erin's father approach her, a glass in one hand and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He finished off the rest of his drink before slamming the glass down on the countertop._

" _Didn't I teach you a lesson last time? I guess you didn't understand properly." He grabbed Bunny's arm and brought her closer to him. He beat her like a dog, not showing any signs of letting up. Erin watched from behind the couch, crying. She couldn't understand what was happening. Seeing her mother's blood pour out of her nose made her cry even harder. The blood came out like a running faucet._

 _Her loud wails distracted her father. He looked up and saw Erin sitting on the floor. He approached her in two quick steps and picked her up with one hand._

" _Stop… fucking… crying!" He screamed at her, hitting her in between words. The pain from his punches radiated through her small body. He took the cigarette out of his mouth and placed the lit side onto Erin's skin. Her screams of pain only made Teddy start crying too. The last thing she remembers from that day is watching her father leave through the front door._

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"Jay, they'll be fine. It's normal for all this to happen." Will had arrived from the ED on his break. He was getting updates from Maggie on the condition of the baby, only to be told Erin was brought into surgery as well. Jay was speechless. All his thoughts revolved around how he would never be able to live with himself if he lost one of his girls. His thoughts were interrupted when a doctor came up to him.

"Dr. Halstead, I assumed you were family." He shook Will's hand before turning to Jay. "I did Erin's operation. Her bleeding has stopped and everything looks good for now. She's in the recovery room, we are just waiting for her to wake up to see how she's doing."

"Can I go in there?" Jay let go of a breath he didn't know he was holding. The doctor looked at Will before sighing.

"Usually we are not supposed to let family in there, but I'll let it slide this one time. Let's go." Both Halsteads began to walk to the recovery room with the doctor before Will was paged back down in the ED.

"Hey, I gotta go. I'll be back soon."

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He sat in the chair next to her bed, holding her hand. She looked so at peace when she was asleep. He was hoping she would wake up soon, his mind was engrossed with worry about one thing or the next.

" ?" His thoughts were cut off by the doctor standing at the foot of Erin's bed. "So I just finished off with Elizabeth's procedure, and everything seems to have gone well. She will be spending some time in the hospital, however. We still need to monitor her."

When the doctor first spoke, Jay had been ecstatic. He thought his little girl was okay. But the fact that she needed to stay in the hospital made his stomach drop. Hospital stays were never a good thing.

"When and where can I see her?"

"I'll have a nurse bring her in here, that way you don't have to be in two places at once." Jay grinned. He was smiling from ear-to-ear. He remembered earlier that day when Elizabeth was first born and the feeling of joy that erupted all over him. It once again came back. He would get to hold his little bundle of joy again.

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He sat in between his two girls. He watched Elizabeth's chest move up and down under the small baby blanket. He had his first look at her upper body since the surgery. Her chest was covered in bandages and she had an oxygen tube in her nose. She was extremely tiny much to Jay's dismay. A nurse came in every hour to check on her, making sure that there wasn't any complications.

When he looked over at Erin, she would occasionally crease her eyebrows. He didn't understand why, but he had assumed that she was starting to wake up.

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Another dream.

 _Charlie Puglisi. His calloused hands rubbed Erin's hips, feeling the skin as they moved up to pull her waistband down. She didn't want to do it with him, but he kept the heat going through the winter and he kept food on the table. It was her only way to pay him back._

 _She tried not to think about it every time, but it was too difficult not to. He was rough and he would do it fast. She lost her virginity to him. She remembers that night vividly, she would never forget it. She had vaginal tearing because he wasn't careful with her. A detective Hank Voight came to see her in the hospital, asking whether or not she had been raped. The more he pressed for an honest answer the more her answer of 'no' came out as if she was begging._

 _Just because she had an orgasm it doesn't make it right. She was raped. She didn't want to do it. She was told over and over again that it wasn't her fault. He was going to prison. He vowed revenge._

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She woke up in a hospital bed. Her head was spinning and her lower body was in pain. The memory of her last dream was too much. She thought she was still living in that memory. She must've fallen asleep after Detective Voight left. Her heart rate started to increase.

She looked over to her left. A man sat in the chair, sleeping. Who was he? Why was he with her? Was he another one of her pimps? Was he a cop?

She looked further to see a baby in a portable crib. She had just as many questions about her. The heart rate monitor started to beep rapidly, waking the man up. She tried to stand up but her legs were too weak to support her. Pain shot up and down Erin's body as she fell to the floor.

The man approached Erin, he had concern in his blue eyes. He was talking to her, but it was as if she was deaf. She backed away from him, ripping out the IV from her arm and taking the oxygen off from our her nose. Doctors and nurses swarmed in, surrounding her. A nurse stuck her with a needle and she was asleep again.

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	20. Chapter 20

**Hey! It's been forever! My life is changing quite a bit. I finally got a job and it's taking up a lot of my time and it's exhausting. I try to write whenever I can but it always takes time for me to be satisfied. Anyways, here's chapter 20!**

He sat on the edge of his seat, eyes full of worry. He had never seen her so full of fear around him. Her IV was reattached in her arm and the oxygen nubbins were back in her nose. The doctor said it would be a few hours before she would wake up again, that it was probably a bad reaction to the anesthesia and drugs going through her body.

His eyes shifted from Erin when he heard a small whimper and saw something moving in his periphery. Elizabeth had woken up and she was moving her feet lightly in the baby blanket. His solemn face turned into a warm smile immediately. He walked over to the crib, taking in her facial features. She was still blinking the sleep out of her eyes and that's when a nurse walked in. Elizabeth's face was small and her veins protruded out of her body a little bit. The nurse checked her over and told Jay that she would page her doctor so he could come check in on her.

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"Everything seems to be going well, . We are still going to keep a close eye on her and we will still need to do some testing."

"What about eating, isn't she hungry?"

"Normally, babies born at 30 weeks cannot suck, swallow and breathe all at the same time like we do. She needed a few more weeks in the womb to be able to develop to that point. The tube that's in her nose is what feeds her. When Erin gets moved from recovery we will probably have to move Elizabeth to the NICU. While there, we will be able to get her healthy."

"But you said everything was going fine?!" Jay was frantic, he also had some anger in his voice. He was told not only by nurses, doctors and Will that Elizabeth was fine, but nobody was telling him the finer details of her condition.

"Everything is fine for the time being. She's really lucky and for how early she is and she's lucky to be in the condition she's in right now. Stable."

Jay nodded. He was hoping that they would be able to leave the hospital in the next couple of days, but obviously that plan was foiled. His baby went from being just a little small to having to go to the ICU.

"Can I at least hold her?" His voice was soft yet shakey. He wanted to be able to hold his child all day long. He wanted to cuddle her and feed her and play with her, but it all seemed out of reach for him. He was scared that he wouldn't be able to do anything with her.

"Yes, of course." Those 3 words were music to his ears and he felt as if a small weight came off of his chest. However, a bigger one still loomed over him. "You can also do skin-to-skin contact with her. It's often seen that a father doing skin-to-skin is taboo but contact with the father helps the baby stabilize, especially if the baby is premature. You can have her nestled under your shirt or I can have a nurse bring in a blanket to wrap yourself if you decide to take it off. She'll be with you shortly." With that the doctor gave a warm smile to Jay and left.

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A nurse came back into the room with a blanket a few minutes later. Jay decided he would take his shirt off, just so he could see Elizabeth better. The nurse helped Jay settle Elizabeth onto his chest, fixing the wires and showing how he could hold her with the stitches still in her chest. After laying the blanket on top of them and checking Erin's vitals one more time, she left and told Jay to call her if he needed help.

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Elizabeth was awake for the first few minutes of skin-to-skin contact. She looked around the room and occasionally, she would look at Jay. He couldn't take the wide smile off of his face. To him, she was perfect. He rubbed her lower back with his thumb, unintentionally lulling her back to sleep. As he watched her sleep, he took in her features. She had his hair and eyes, but she had Erin's nose and it looked to him she also had dimples. He couldn't tell. Her head was literally the size of the palm of his hand and she had a feeding tube and oxygen attached to her nose, making her look even smaller.

An hour later, his eyelids began to get heavy. He almost fell asleep a few times but Elizabeth fussing on his chest would scare him. He called in the nurse the first time. She said that it was probably because she was feeling warm against him and that it was normal. Finally he fell asleep, holding Elizabeth securely on his chest.

/

When she woke up, her vision was hazy. Her lower body was in a lot of pain. She blinked the sleep out of her eyes and looked towards the window on the far side of the room. It was dark. Since it was still December, she knew it could be anywhere around 5pm to 8am. Her head was spinning a million miles a second so she decided to close her eyes and let the dizziness pass. She opened her eyes when she heard heavy breathing on her other side. When she looked over, her heart skipped a beat. There was her boyfriend, soundly asleep with _their_ daughter, cuddled up on his chest.

She watched them peacefully sleep, without a worry in the world. That's when it hit her. Elizabeth had a surgery. She had a hole in her heart. Jay went with her into the OR when she had a tear. She was leaking blood. Her heart rate started to go up, not knowing about the well being of herself and her baby. Then came the memory of her dreams and fighting to get away from Jay. The thought wasn't vivid, but she remembers looking into his eyes.

Erin cleared her throat, choking on some air she breathed in as the memories came flooding back. The subtle noise of her cough woke Jay up and his head shot over to his right side, towards her. She was smiling at him, it was a weak smile but it was still a smile. He moved his right hand over towards the bed, gripping Erin's hand. It was cold and she was extremely pale. He looked down at the baby before adjusting her so he could sit up properly.

Erin carefully watched his every move. The only reason she knew the baby was on top of him was because of the small lump on his chest under a blanket. She couldn't see Elizabeth and when Jay turned towards the crib, she stopped him.

"Lemme see her."

Her voice was raspier than usual and she was very groggy. It sent shivers down Jay's spine and goosebumps formed on his skin. He turned back to face Erin, and placed the baby on her chest. The baby squirmed a little bit before becoming content with the position she laid in. They laid there for a while, Erin would occasionally steal a glance at Jay until he put his shirt back on. He was still shirtless so why not. He was well aware of what she was doing but he didn't mind.

"How is she doing?"

"The doctor told me she would be staying in the ICU for a bit, only until she gets healthy."

Tears started to form in Erin's eyes. Noticing, Jay stood up and wiped the tears as they fell. He kissed her forehead, letting the kiss linger.

"Jay… I'm so sorry…"

"... For what?"

"I couldn't carry her to term… what if she was even a week or a couple days earlier… she probably wouldn't have even made it this far… Maybe if I took it easier at work or maybe..."

"Erin…" He looked her in the eyes, noticing how the tears wouldn't stop.

"She's doing fine… she's going to be fine… You can't blame yourself for this. Whatever was going to happen, happened. She decided she wanted to meet us early so that's what she did." He ended of the sentence with a smile and a chuckle. He looked down at the baby resting on Erin's chest. She was sleeping with Erin's hand supporting her bottom and his on top. "Please babe, don't blame yourself for this."

She had nothing to say to him so she just smiled. He took it as an agreement, only he didn't know what she was thinking.

/

" , everything seems to be going fine. I'll have a nurse come and take you to your room. You'll likely be there for a day or so. After that you're free to go but you will need to come in for a check up in a month. As for your baby, she'll be in the NICU for the next month or two. I'll be around again soon if you have any questions." The doctor left in a hurry as he was paged to another patient.

Erin looked over to Jay, he seemed to be on edge and his hands were clammy. Erin squeezed his hand, trying to give him the comfort she knew she couldn't give him. He smiled sadly when he looked down at their intertwined fingers.

/

The NICU was located on the 5th floor of the hospital and Erin's room was located on the 2nd. It had Jay running back and forth. Erin insisted that he stay with the baby but he got easily bored. All she did was sleep so he didn't have much to do except watch her.

The unit dropped by earlier, all bringing balloons and teddy bears. Half stayed with Erin while half stayed with Jay and the baby. Then they switched. An hour into the visit, they were called to a scene.

"Take some time off with them, they'll need you. I'll be back as soon as I can." Voight was in a hurry to catch up with the team but he needed to tell Jay that he was there for him. The entire day the team had been swamped with a case and the second they got an opportunity to go to the hospital, they did.

/

Later that night…

After dinner, Jay decided to stay with Erin. Elizabeth was asleep and visiting hours in the ICU was only until 8pm. He still wanted to ask her if she remembered anything about her episode earlier, he was curious why she was afraid of him. He knew she wouldn't be too forthcoming on her own, that was what Erin Lindsay was all about.

When he walked into her room, she was fast asleep on the bed. He went to go fix the blankets that were falling off the bed when the movement woke her.

"Hey… go back to sleep, everything's fine."

"No… I just needed a bit of a power nap… come sit." She patted the bed next to her hip. He was careful, she was still injured after all. They stared in each other's eyes in silence.

"You know, I'll always love you, no matter what." His blues eyes were empathetic and were half full of tears. He rested his hand on her cheek, slowly feeling her skin under his thumb. She smiled when his hand gave her cheek some extra warmth. She grabbed a fistful of his shirt, bringing him down to her lips. It wasn't passionate, but it was sincere. He could feel her smiling when his lips touched hers.

This man was too good for her. How did she get so lucky? He was strikingly handsome and he cared for her more than he cared for himself. When they first started dating, she was very apprehensive. All her past boyfriends were either abusive, drug addicts, or men way older than her. None of them ever really gave a shit about her. It was all about sex and drugs. But Jay, he was different. Yes the sex was good, she couldn't disagree with that, but he started this fire in her chest. He made her want to become more like him, humble and sweet. He made her a better cop and he was always there for her, even if she continued to hurt him and push him away. Her eyes started to water and she fought to hold the tears back. He noticed this, like he always did. He gave her a lingering kiss on her forehead.

"Get some sleep… you've had a big day."

/

 **Please Review! :)**


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter is rated M**

He watched her come into the bedroom as he rested his back against the headboard. She had a smug grin on her face that made all the blood rush to his groin, he knew what she wanted. He wanted it too. She came and sat down on his lap, her legs on either side of him. She pressed her lips to his, moving her hands around his 'V-lines' under his shirt. Her hands moved up and roamed around his abs, feeling every dip and crevice. Their tongues danced around, fighting each other for power.

She smiled into the kiss, pulling away so she could lift his shirt over his body. He leaned forward off of the headboard, so she could get the shirt off of him. He pushed her onto her back after she finished, giving him the upper hand. His lips assaulting her behind her ears as he slowly moved down her neck and eventually, her collarbone. He was met with the fabric of her shirt. He gripped the bottom of her shirt, pulling it off of her easily and continued his torture to her body. His lips moved down her upper body. Placing a kiss wherever he had the chance to. She shivered under his touch, as aggressive and blunt he was at work, he was calm and sensitive in the sheets.

His lips came down to underneath her bellybutton and he simultaneously started tugging on the waistband of her jeans. She helped him ease them off, followed by her underwear. His hands roamed around her inner thigh, her most sensitive spot. He grinned as he felt her shiver under his hands. He always knew the right ways to tease her.

When his fingers entered her, she moaned softly. They explored her insides and it was driving her crazy. The amount of pleasure she was experiencing at the current moment was unfathomable. She thought it couldn't get any better, but like always, he found her G-spot. He was the first guy in her life to be able to do that. He did it with such ease and finesse that she couldn't understand how he did it to her every time. With his other hand, he always did 'a thing'. He would put some pressure on her abdomen while his fingers rubbed her G-spot. It gave him better access to her spot and it drove her crazy. He loved it.

When she had her first release, he pulled his hands away and fiddled with the belt around his jeans. His groin was throbbing now, he couldn't wait any longer. His tip teased her before he entered. He needed his release. Just as he was about to enter, a shrill cry broke his concentration.

Jay sat up in bed, panting and sweating. The cry from Elizabeth's nursery had just blue-balled him in his dream. Erin began to stir and when she opened her eyes and saw her sweaty boyfriend, she knew what he was dreaming about. Again. It has been 3 months since Elizabeth was born and they were just recently given the all clear by doctors to take her home. They were still adjusting to the new feeding and waking schedules and it no doubt had an affect on their sex life. Erin sleepily rolled her eyes before turning to Jay.

"It's your turn, I just fed her last time so she's not hungry," Erin mumbled. Elizabeth could be heard crying through the baby monitor on Jay's bedside table.

Jay grunted as he got out of bed. He loved spending time with his daughter when she was awake and he wanted to be with her as much as he could, but being up so many times in the night was having a toll on him. He also had a problem walking with his erection.

He slowly proceeded to the spare bedroom which they had converted into the baby's bedroom, taking the baby monitor with him. When he opened the door, he walked over to the crib and bent down to pick up his crying daughter. He held her to his bare chest as he tried to soothe her crying.

"Hey, it's okay. Daddy's here." He quickly noticed she needed a diaper change, the smell was unbearable.

"How's about we get you into a new diaper?" He set Elizabeth down on the changing table and started to undo her diaper, he couldn't help but remember Liam. He remembered how much trouble he had trying to get a new diaper on back then, he still had some minor complications. Elizabeth fussed as he fumbled with the diaper.

"Just give Daddy a second, he's not really good at this."

Finally, he got the diaper on and he picked her back up. "Well that wasn't too hard now was it?" He took her into the living room, carting her around as he tried to lull her back to sleep. She was watching him as she cuddled into his chest. He couldn't help but smile every time he looked or even thought about her. His life was changing so much and he couldn't help but wish his mother was with him. She would've wanted to hold her grandchild, spoil her, take her out to the park. Jay smiled sadly as he was engrossed in his thoughts.

He took Elizabeth back to his and Erin's bed, deciding that it would be best for her to stay cuddled up with them for the rest of the night. She had other plans though. When Jay laid her down in between him and Erin she started to fuss again. She definitely wasn't in a mood to sleep.

"How about you sleep in Daddy's arms?" He spoke to her as if she would answer back. He once again rested Elizabeth in his right arm with her head in his chest. He rubbed the side of her leg with his thumb hoping it would put her to sleep.

After about 5 minutes of intently staring at her surroundings, her eyelids began to droop. Jay tiredly smiled before planting a kiss on her forehead.

0000000000000

"How about we take a walk in the park today? I think it's a good time to finally take her outside of the house. We cleared it." The small family had been stuck in their apartment for the greater part of Elizabeth's life since she was brought home. It was recommended they don't take her outside too much as it could be dangerous to her immune system. Jay was starting to feel claustrophobic in the apartment and he knew that fresh air could do them all a favour.

"Hmm, I don't know if I want to go. I'm exhausted. You can take the baby if you want." Erin rested her head on her hand while she sat on the couch. Elizabeth was in the rocker near the couch, fast asleep.

"Oh, come on! It'll be our first family adventure. The three of us. The weather is finally warming up! We don't have to go too long… Please Erin." It got to the point where he was begging her. Reluctantly, she agreed.

/

They packed too much for the baby, being new to this. There were 3 onesies, 4 bottles and 6 diapers. _Just to be safe._ They were out of their apartment around 2 in the afternoon. It was warm and the sun was shining brightly in the sky. The most perfect day.

Jay pushed the stroller with the sleeping baby inside and Erin walked next to him. They walked to Millennium Park and admired all the other families that seemed to have the same idea as them. It wasn't too crowded, much to their joy.

They stopped near the Bean and took a seat against one of the ledges. Jay lifted up the blanket that was draped over the stroller, noticing Elizabeth was still out cold. He looked over to Erin who was smiling, watching the kids play with their reflections in the Bean.

"You know, one day we'll have more than one kid and we can watch them play here."

"Let's stick to one for the time being, Halstead." She smiled and looked towards him. _God, he loved that smile._ He cleared his throat to get her attention again.

"Speaking about my last name…" Her eyes followed his hand as it went into the right pocket of his leather jacket. She knew this moment was coming soon, but it snuck up on her. She didn't think he would do it while they were so busy with the baby.

He stood up, and took her right hand in his left, standing her up as well. Then he bent down on his knee, opening up the box. The diamond was stunning. She could tell that he was nervous.

"Uhh… well I wanted to do this with the baby but obviously she's selfish and has other plans." She smiled at his bad joke, she's always going to love him for them though.

"Erin, the first day we met, my heart wanted to beat out of my chest. Your eyes pierced right through me and all the air rushed out of my lungs. You were literally breathtaking. And when you introduced yourself, I fell in love even more. Even with Voight's rules I couldn't help but keep my eyes on you. For all I know, I've loved you since I first laid eyes on you. We've been through so much, breakups, undercover ops, sabbaticals…" he got choked up thinking of that moment. "But even through all of that, I always loved you. I watched you suffer after having Elizabeth and trust me it was no walk in the park when she was in the NICU for 2 months. But you persisted and stayed confident even when I wasn't and that's something I want to keep in my life. You're my best friend and I don't think I've ever been able to use to statement with anyone except you. So please, why not become a Halstead, and marry me?"

/

 **Reviews are encouraged :)**


	22. Chapter 22

She had tears in her eyes. They both didn't notice the gathering crowd around them. They were lost in the abyss known as each other's eyes. She smiled at him, and as a tear rolled down her cheek, she nodded her head up and down.

He returned the smile, taking the ring from the box and slipping it onto her third finger shakily. He stood up, finding her lips with his. They both felt each other smiling into the kiss, only making this moment even better. The crowd that had gathered around them clapped and cheered, oblivious to the sleeping baby that accompanied the couple. Her cries made Erin pull out of Jay's embrace, picking her up and rubbing her back. When she had calmed down, they kissed again, a quick peck on the lips.

/

"Halstead, my office." Voight's gruff voice echoed through the bullpen. Jay had been back at work for a couple of weeks now. Leaving Erin and Elizabeth wasn't an easy thing for him. They had decided that nobody would find out about their engagement just yet, they wanted to wait for the perfect time. But in all honesty, it was because of Erin's apprehensiveness about the future. She never saw herself settling down with anyone in her life. Then she met the blue-eyed man that captivated her soul. The one that made her heart skip a beat. The one who treated her as if she was the only thing in the world. The first time she said those three words, it was pure impulse. He never said it back right away. He waited until later that night. And that's the thing about love. You have to be ready to hear someone say they love you. You have to be ready, and you have to be willing, and you have to listen. Because sometimes, they won't say those three words, they'll put a blanket over you while watching a movie, they'll kiss your cheek when they think you're asleep, they'll smile when they see you first thing in the morning. But you, you have to be willing to see it, feel it, let it in. Letting someone love you takes practice. And practicing with him, was the best practice someone could have.

Jay walked into Voight's office and closed the door behind him. The look on Hank's face made his heart rate quicken. He furrowed his brows, knowing this couldn't be good.

"Take a seat."

"Now I know you're not going to like this, but you're our best bet. I need you to go undercover, it's deep." Jay's breath hitched in his throat. He remembered the last time he was undercover. A teenage girl was all over him. And the time before that, he was shot.

"I don't know how long this will last… and I realize with everything happening in your life right now, this isn't ideal. I've already cleared it with Crowley. You'll be briefed tomorrow morning with the unit before you start. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a better heads up, it's a fairly classified mission. It will stay in-house."

Jay blinked the tears out of his eyes. The first image that popped into his head was the almost 4 month old at home that was probably napping right now in her crib. Cuddled up in the pink Blackhawks blanket he had bought. The one after that was the hazel-eyed beauty.

"But… what about Ruzek and Atwater or…"

"Jay… I'm sorry. Go home. Spend some time with them. I want you here at 8 sharp tomorrow." With that he stood up from the chair and opened the door a bit too forcefully. Everyone's heads turned to him as they watched him grab his jacket from his chair and rush down the steps.

/

She was surprised when she heard the keys in the lock. When he stepped through the threshold, she saw the vacant look on his face even as he tried to stifle it with a smile.

"Hey… what's wrong?" She walked over to him and he instantly melted into her arms. "Jay, are you okay?"

He sadly smiled. "Let's go sit down for a bit."

/

He stayed up most of the night watching Elizabeth sleep. The rise and fall of her small chest gave him the small amount of solace he needed. She had gained a few pounds ever since she was born and she was growing quite a bit.

He was startled when he felt Erin's head rest into his shoulder, kissing it a few times. Her body was warm as she wrapped her arms around him. He moved his arms, bringing her around to his front side to sit her down on his lap.

"Come to bed, babe. You need to rest."

"I'll be fine… just wanted to be with her as much as I could before I go."

"Hey… you're going to come back soon enough."

"I just don't want to miss anything. Maybe she'll learn how to crawl while I'm gone. Or she'll start teething. She just learned how to laugh and clap with me… I can't miss anything…"

"All you have to do is do your job, and do it well… you'll get home quicker."

"All I'm going to be thinking about is you and her. How do you think I'll even be able to focus?"

"Coming home should be your only motivation, Jay. Come home to us. That's what's going to get you through it. Please, come get some sleep." He reluctantly agreed. Erin led them back to their bedroom hoping that she would be able to get him to go to sleep for a couple of hours. She would feel better knowing he didn't go into an undercover op after pulling an all-nighter.

When they got into bed, she sat up against the headboard with Jay's head on her chest. She listened to his breathing which was quick. Her fingers combed through his hair, she knew how much that calmed him down. Soon enough, his breathing normalized and seemed to coincide with hers. She didn't feel him go limp as he fell asleep because she was too busy with her own thoughts. There was no way she could do this alone for however amount of time he was going to be gone.

/

"So our main target is Tyler Hartman. He's been on homicide and OC's watchlists for a while now." Voight had pinned up 6 photos of 6 different teenage girls on the board. Each one raped and mutilated. Everyone in the bullpen avoided each other's gaze, some looking at the ground, and others at Voight. The photos were grotesque and gruesome.

"He was the main suspect in all 6 murders after catfishing the girls off of Instagram saying he had jobs for them that paid a lot. It's believed that he led them on, tortured them, and then left them to die. He has a crew, it's believed they help him catfish and kidnap the girls. Now, he got a good lawyer and he was let off after a year. That was in 2014. Now, he's at it again." Voight looked over to Jay, trying to see how he was reacting to all of this. Erin sat leaned against his desk and Elizabeth was cradled in his arms. Erin had insisted they come to the district to send him off. Voight put up another couple of photos that resembled the pictures from 2014.

"Halstead, your job is to get in with the crew. They all live in Englewood and we suspect they operate out of a warehouse there. That's where they do their thing. Your alias is Logan Reid. You're 29 years old. You did a year for assault, and you've also been charged for misdemeanor theft, and grand theft auto. You'll be staying in an apartment complex where some of the crew live. Get in with them, see what they're doing, and report back. It doesn't have to be in person if you can't. Just be careful if you do it over the phone. You roll out in about an hour."

/

They stood in the breakroom with the door closed and the blinds closed. This was personal time for them. They sat on the couch with Jay holding Elizabeth and they watched the four-month-old and her new fascination with her hands. She seemed so intrigued by them. In the last few days, she had been learning how to fully support her head by herself but one parent was always around to let her rest her head on. No doubt would she be able to support it herself while he was gone.

"I just hope I can get this done with quickly." His voice broke the silence in the bullpen. It had originally been filled with Elizabeth's babbles and incoherent gibberish.

"Doing something quick isn't always the best way of getting something done."

"What are you insinuating?" A grin erupted on his face as he raised his eyebrow at Erin. It made her giggle. _God he was going to miss that laugh._

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Halstead." She laughed. "Which reminds me… I think before you go… we should tell everyone." She smiled at him and he returned a sad smile as he stood up with Elizabeth in his arms. He pulled Erin up with his right hand and the proceeded towards the door. Before opening it, Jay smashed his lips on hers the best he could with a baby in his arms.

"I love you, Erin. Always."

The tears stung her eyes as she fought to keep them in. She smiled and pecked his lips quickly. "I love you too, please be safe. I can't do this without you."

"You won't have to."

/

"Uh, we just wanted to make an announcement." Jay's shaky voice managed to get everyone's attention, including Voight's who was sitting in his office. "It's been a few weeks now, but I proposed to Erin." Erin had slipped the ring out of her pocket and onto her finger before she had left the breakroom. It gave her the much needed comfort knowing what it symbolized. _Who_ it symbolized. "We just wanted to let everyone know before I left."

The bullpen was quiet. No one moved. It was the nerves of Jay leaving. Ruzek, was the first one to move, obviously. But his voice lacked jokes today. He was sincere and serious. He approached Erin and hugged her tight before turning to Jay and giving him a hug. "Congrats guys, I'm really happy for you." Everyone followed after Ruzek. Jay had passed the baby over to Erin as Hank brought him into his embrace.

"Take care of them… please." His voice cracked. He was at the brink of crying now. He surveyed Hank's face after pulling away, a sad smile was etched on his face and he had his own tears pooling in his eyes.

"I think it's time to go now, Halstead." Everyone gave a final farewell to Jay before he turned to his girls and gave them each a few kisses. He grabbed his bag and proceeded towards the door towards the back entrance, giving one final look to Erin. He was escorted out by Voight and Olinsky.

When she no longer heard his heavy footsteps going down the stairs and she knew he was gone, she finally let her tears spill. The weight of the world seemed to take over her and her legs couldn't bare much more. Noticing, Ruzek managed to take Elizabeth out of her arms as Atwater caught her before her knees hit the floor and brought her into his chest.

She definitely couldn't do this without him.

/

 **A few things: The quote about love that I snuck in is from mindfulmft on Instagram and it absolutely had my heart when I read it. I couldn't help but think of Linstead when I read it. The going undercover idea was from linstead4ever on Tumblr when we were going back and fourth with ideas, because I had no idea where to take the story from the proposal, definitely give her a follow! Also, how pissed would you be if I killed him ;)**

 **Like always, review!**


	23. Chapter 23

His new 'place' smelled of stale cigarettes and alcohol. Erin used to smell like this during her sabbatical. It reeked from her clothes the morning after she was at the club and when she showed up at Keyes' place, it was still there, even if she was sober. He dropped his bag at his feet onto the carpet. He took in his surroundings. There was a lone brown couch in the middle of the room with a coffee table. There was one bedroom and the double sized bed made him cringe. He was longing to go back home. To his girls. _Stay focused, Halstead._

He collapsed on the couch and sat in silence. He didn't have his normal phone so he couldn't text anyone, he wasn't even allowed to do that. He sat in silence before deciding to check out the building and the neighbourhood so he was aware of his surroundings. He met one of his neighbours on his way out. She was a single mother of a 6 month old. Seeing the baby babbling gibberish in her arms as she tried to get the door open tugged at his heart strings a little bit.

"Hey… let me help out with that." He approached the woman and turned the key in the lock for her and pushed the door open.

"Thank you… my hands are a bit full with this one. I haven't seen you around before, you new?"

"Yeah, I'm Logan. Just moved in."

"I'm Ann. And this little one is Elizabeth." His breath got stuck in his throat and his eyes burned with tears as he quickly blinked them away. It took him a couple of moments to compose himself before he spoke again.

"Well I'd love to talk but I need to head out." He excused himself and quickly walked towards the creaky stairs that would lead him outside.

When he leaves the building, his first instinct is to survey his situation. He can see a couple of pods at the far end of the street. The team will be watching those tapes while he's undercover and they can listen to him through the microphone hidden in his car keys. As some cold wind whips past him, he lowers his beanie to cover his ears better.

"Hey man… you got a light?" He knew this would come up at some point in his day. He carried one so he could make conversation with anyone he lends it to. He wouldn't be caught dead smoking. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the unused lighter.

"I haven't seen you around."

"Yeah, just got out. First day here. Logan."

"James… What'd you do time for?"

"Grand theft. Was gonna sell it but got caught. Money's tight." James nodded his head up and down slowly taking in Jay's words.

"I think I could help you with getting some paper. You just gotta be willing."

"Willing… what do you mean?" His voice shook a little bit but he tried to hide it as best as he could.

"Doing whatever the boss wants you to do."

"As long as I get paid, I'll do whatever."

"Which apartment number you in?"

"202."

"I'll let you know, need to talk to boss first. Thanks man." He handed the lighter back to Jay as he threw the finished cigarette on the ground.

"Yeah, no worries." _That was easy._

/

He stayed in his apartment the rest of the day, expecting James to come knocking. He tried to pass time watching the Blackhawks game but he couldn't focus. He should be at home cuddled up with Erin and Elizabeth sleeping on his chest while watching the game. He didn't even have a photo of them. He turned off the TV after the game and decided to go to bed. Sleeping seems to pass time the fastest.

Meanwhile at home, Erin watched the Blackhawks game while trying to lull Elizabeth to sleep. She could never quite do it like Jay, his movements were ever so gentle and he managed to get her to sleep in minutes. After what felt like forever, she could see Elizabeth starting to fight sleep. Her sucking on her pacifier slowed and her eyelids became heavy. Erin rocked her for a few more minutes before putting her down in her crib. She quietly closed the door and went to sit down in the living room.

She couldn't focus on anything. Her thoughts always seemed to go to him. Everything around her reminded her of him. It was the photos of him in the frames, it was his shoes that were neatly placed by the door, it was his smell that lingered around. Deciding that it would be best to get some sleep, she turned off the lights and TV and went to bed.

/

She tossed and turned for the first couple of hours. The bed seemed too large. She wasn't grazing her skin against his and she couldn't feel his warmth. Even under two blankets, she was freezing. She decided it was time to get proactive. She got out of bed and went to her closet to grab the pillows she kept there. The two behind her head just weren't enough tonight. She grabbed four more pillows, one for knee to ankle, one for pulling into her chest and a knee and chest pillow waiting for her when she turns over. When they first started living together, it didn't take her long to get rid of them. She realized Jay Halstead was the best pillow a girl could have. Maybe it was the dips of his muscles or maybe it was how he soothed her to sleep. All she knew was she wasn't getting too much sleep tonight.

/

One perk of the small bed, it didn't feel like he was missing something even though he was. But this bed was uncomfortable, unlike his. His was firm and it helped him get to sleep easily. The person he slept next to wasn't half bad either. He took one of his pillows and brought it into his chest. He needed something to have his arms around. Just as he was about to doze off, he was startled by a knocking on his door. Looking over to the clock on his bedside table, he noticed that it was close to 2am.

He cautiously walked to the door, not making any noise with his feet. There was no peephole in any of these doors so he was opening it blindly. When he opened it, he was greeted by James.

"Get dressed, boss wants to meet."

/

Elizabeth's cries woke Erin from her slumber. She never noticed that she was getting tired, but she woke being surrounded by pillows. She had half expected Jay to get out of bed but then she remembered he wasn't here. She quickly got out of bed to get to Elizabeth, glancing at her clock on her bedside table. It was 2am, so she slept for a while.

She grabbed Elizabeth from her crib and walked with her into the kitchen to get a bottle ready. The baby sucked hungrily on the warm milk. It brought Erin some much needed peace. Maybe it was the sounds of her suckles or maybe it was because she was looking into the eyes that matched her other half.

She looked out the window from the high-rise known as their apartment when the bottle had been finished. There was the occasional headlights from cars that could easily be mistaken for fireflies at a distance. No one else in the apartments around her had their lights on.

"Look babe… everyone's sleeping… you should too. Your Daddy is probably asleep, Grandpa is asleep, all your aunts and uncles at the district are sleeping too." Elizabeth seemed too distracted to fall asleep again. She had gotten distracted by the ring on Erin's left hand. Erin smiled sadly at the ring before turning to her bedroom deciding that the baby could sleep with her. _Substitute one Halstead for the other._

/

"You'll always reference him as boss. He doesn't go by no first name, last name bullshit. He could care less about you too. I'll introduce you to a couple of the guys." Jay had quickly gotten dressed when James showed up at his door. He wasn't going to miss any opportunities to do what he needed to do and get his job done. The faster he was out of here the faster he could get home and relax. They walked up to the fifth floor. The door to 510 was unlocked and they both walked in.

"Boys… meet Logan. New blood." Jay silently greeted the 3 men sitting around a table playing cards. He definitely noticed all of them were carrying. He surveyed their faces, none of which resembled Tyler. They walked further into the apartment into the kitchen where two men sat at a table.

"Yo boss, this is Logan. The guy I was telling you about." _Now that was Tyler._

Tyler just nodded at Jay's presence before turning back to his cell phone. James walked over to the fridge and took out two bottles of brew, tossing one to Jay.

"Drink up man, you probably missed this shit." As Jay opened the bottle and brought it to his lips, he surveyed his surroundings once again. His eyes caught the white powder on the table in front of the other guy with Tyler. Empty takeout boxes littered the room and it made Jay's OCD cringe. He turned his eyes back to the entryway when he heard someone walk through the door.

"Come with me." James ordered.

"Logan, this is Franco. He just goes by Garcia. Garcia, meet Logan." Jay's legs were stuck to the floor but he could feel them shaking underneath him. The beer bottle in his hand wanted to slip out of his hand as he stood, motionless. He would never forget the face of the man standing in front of him, his orders haunted his nightmares. The man standing in front of him reciprocated his feelings. _Lieutenant Jay Halstead and Sergeant Franco Garcia, reunited._

 _/_

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	24. Chapter 24

**I realized I didn't leave a footnote at the end of the last chapter. You read about Franco Garcia in Chapter 7. You might need to go back and read it in order for the story to make sense.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **/**

He didn't sleep much that night since his brain was racked with constant worries. He stayed with the crew drinking into the early hours in the morning, constantly avoiding Garcia's gaze and presence. His heart wanted to beat out of his chest. He was sure his cover would've been blown as soon as he laid eyes on Garcia and was surprised when he was back in his 'bed' instead of being shot dead. He drank his worries away.

Around noon, he woke to a pounding on his door. It took him a while to gather his thoughts and realize it wasn't his brain hitting his skull repeatedly in sync with his heartbeats that woke him. Pulling on a shirt he never realized he took off, he reached for the door handle wondering what surprise it would be today. To his horror, it was Garcia. He moved out of the way to let him in and checked the hallways before closing the door behind him.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Garcia wanted to yell, but the paper-thin walls wouldn't do much to keep their conversation private. So his voice was more of a whisper-yell.

"I should be asking the same fucking thing! What are you doing with these guys?" _Wow he had a lot of energy for someone who is hungover._

"Well some of us didn't end up as lucky as you did. Some of us couldn't get our lives together." There was some maliciousness in his voice, one of jealousy and anger. It made all the air in Jay's lungs escape through his mouth. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was reliving those memories in his mind, but he felt lightheaded.

 _He woke up panting and sweating. His ears still had the ringing of gunshots even though he knew he was in his room in Chicago. He wiped the thin line of sweat that formed at the top of his forehead, making the hair stick to his face. He took a few moments to regather himself before hesitantly looking over to the clock: 1:53am. Even earlier than the last one._

 _Most nights he wouldn't wake up from a nightmare until 3am, but they just seemed to be getting worse and more real. It was as if he never left. His therapist always said that it's okay to be waking up from nightmares, he just hasn't adjusted to civilian life yet. It didn't seem like he ever would. He hated calling Mouse in the middle of the night, he was dealing with it too after all. So he did what he always would._

 _He got out of bed, walking towards his kitchen where he would just leave everything on the countertop. The floorboards creaked under his weight. His surroundings were anything but that of a military man's. Takeout boxes littered the floor and coffee table, dishes were stacked up in the sink, the garbage hadn't been taken out and dirty clothes littered the couch and his bedroom floor._

 _He swiped the bottle of pills from the countertop. He would just pick out whatever his eyes first laid eyes on in the pharmacy. His current obsession happened to be Tylenol. It seemed to help him get back to sleep, or maybe it was the burning liquid he took them with that put him out of his misery._

 _He had gotten back to Chicago less than 10 months ago. He was unemployed, he didn't have many friends and his bank account seemed to be his biggest enemy. He wasn't going to forget that one night a few months ago. He had called Mouse crying after what seemed to be his worst nightmare. Mouse walked into his apartment finding him with his sidearm clocked against his temple. It took Mouse hours to calm him down. But even then his mind wasn't in the greatest of places. He wished he pulled the trigger, but he couldn't do that to Mouse. Walking into his best friend's home where his dead body would've littered the floor wouldn't have helped Mouse out any more._

 _After being on a 72 hour watch in the psych ward of Chicago Med, he was recommended to a therapist. The antidepressants seemed to get him through the nights even if he had nightmares. But as the months went on and his meds were changed and his dosage was lowered, he turned to over the counter meds. They were cheaper and they seemed to get the job done._

 _He came out of his memory as the burn of the whiskey got the pills into his stomach. He sat at his kitchen table taking in his surroundings while he waited for his bliss. His eyes caught the pamphlets he threw on the ground from the Corson's. He could read it clearly from where he was sitting even without his glasses or contacts: Chicago Police Department._

 _He had the experience. He had the grit. He NEEDED the job. But he also needed to get clean, and that didn't seem like an option, not right now at least. He lost track of time while he sat. The fuzziness of the pills and alcohol didn't come over him like usual. His body was starting to resist his doses, and he wasn't sure if popping 4 pills in one night was the smartest thing to do. So he did what he had done for the last 5 years of his life, he cleaned and organized his surroundings._

 _He threw all his dirty laundry in a basket, he put all the garbage in bags and left them by his front door near the shoes that were neatly placed. He spent over 2 hours cleaning and drying his dishes. He went down to the laundry room, stopping by the garbage chute before washing and drying his clothes. He changed the sheets on his bed and he put all the empty alcohol bottles in his recycle bin._

 _At 8am, when his apartment was spotless and spartan, just as his room had been during training, he decided to take a shower. He didn't stay in long enough to let the steam rise, he was accustomed to quick 5 minute showers. It was when he stood in front of the mirror, looking at how the blue in his eyes was turning grey, how the bags under his eyes stood out compared to his pale skin, and how his body had lost much definition, that he realized he was throwing his life away. His mom wouldn't be proud of this thing staring back at him in the mirror. The pills hadn't worked their magic in the night and he was somewhat grateful._

 _He collapsed on his couch. His clean apartment gave him some solace and it gave him the illusion that he had his life together. He listened to the hum of the refrigerator from his position, not breaking eye contact with the pills he had taken less than 6 hours ago. Once again, the pamphlets he moved from the floor to the coffee table caught his attention. It's worth a shot isn't it?_

 _He applied the very next day, spending his day finishing his application package. That was his motivation to get clean. He needed the money and there was no way he was doing another tour in order to keep his ass off the street. A Chicago winter is a lot better than that option. He relapsed a few times, but everyone has their days. When he had his interview, he made it very clear about what the last 5 years of his life had been. It took about 6 months, but he got a letter in the mail saying he had been accepted into the academy._

 _The Corson's suggested they all go out for dinner and drinks, oblivious to his addictions. He decided to forego the alcohol and opted for water instead. A small victory._

 _It was when the badge was pinned to his chest and the Corson's were there as if he was their son that he knew that his life would be okay. That he would be okay._

/

Elizabeth had woken up early the next day. At four months old, she was exploring the world with her hands. She would tug on Erin's hair or on a necklace she wore. She started to notice her toys a lot more and most of them ended up in her mouth.

Erin didn't mind the early wake up call, she honestly didn't sleep a wink after bringing Elizabeth into bed with her. How could she sleep when her husband-to-be was out doing God knows what. She knew she wouldn't get a proper night's rest until he was back next to her in bed, cuddling her through the night.

Erin watched Elizabeth as she enjoyed her morning tummy time, she had been trying to learn how to roll over onto her back but hadn't been successful with that yet. Maybe in a few more days, but it wasn't this morning either. She always had her phone nearby. Even if Jay wasn't going to call her, she would videotape whatever she could so he wouldn't miss any milestones. Her eyes also started to change colour. Her pediatrician said at around 6 months is when the baby's eyes will settle on the colour. She was definitely going to have Jay's eyes. God she missed those eyes.

She unlocked her phone, wanting to look at some photos of him. Most of her photos had him in them, whether it was sneakily taking a photo as he made pancakes without a shirt on, or when he was holding Elizabeth. His biggest fear was that she wouldn't recognize him when he was finished with the op. As much as it killed him, he didn't want the two of them around when he had his meetings with Voight, out of paranoia that anyone could be watching them. Once in awhile would be okay, when they were in a secluded location.

She was brought out of her daze when Elizabeth started to coo for her attention, tummy time was over. Erin brought her into her lap and rocked her back and forth while they sat looking at the phone. Elizabeth just wanted to grab it.

"Look Liz, it's Daddy!" She tried to sound as excited as she could but the baby was just interested in the phone. She put the phone to the side and faced Elizabeth towards her. "You know, he loves you so much. He was so scared that you're going to forget about him or what he looks like while he's gone, but you could never do that, could you babe?" She replied in incoherent babbles much to Erin's joy. "C'mon, let's go get you some milk."

/

"Have you talked to Jay yet?" Erin went to the district after breakfast, it was honestly the only thing she could think of doing. She knew she was going to spend a lot of time here in the next bit while Jay was gone. Any news or information was something she wanted to be present for. She didn't want to have to wait for a text or call from Voight to tell her what's happening, or what was wrong. _Don't do that to yourself._

"Not yet, he's the one that has to reach out to us. We can't sacrifice anything by making phone calls over and over again."

"But you said he was supposed to check in everyday, he didn't last night!"

"Erin, relax. I told him to get settled and to call me sometime today. Why don't you go home-"

"I need to be here… we need to be here. I want to hear his voice on the phone to see if he's okay. If something happens I want to know. I'll be able to tell from his voice."

"Erin… nothing will happen to him. He's smart. You just need to do your job and raise his child, that's all he wants right now."

/

"Just try your hardest not to call me Jay or Halstead. It's Logan for now. The faster I get all of these fuckers arrested the faster I can get home."

"Promise me one thing… I don't get arrested. No matter what. I'm not rotting in a cell for the rest of my life."

"I don't know man, I'll have to ask my sergeant and see what I can do. I'll try to pull some strings. Which reminds me, I gotta make a call." Jay dismissed Garcia from his room and closed the door softly behind him. He ran his hand through his hair before resting it on the back of his neck. _What the fuck is happening?_

He grabbed the flip phone from his bedside table, dialling Voight. It rang twice before he heard that gruff voice.

"Hey sarge, it's me. We got a problem."

/

Erin and Voight's conversation was cut short when he phone started ringing on his desk. An unknown number. Erin heart rate quickened. Voight put the phone on speaker.

"Hey sarge, it's me. We got a problem."

All she remembers is the feeling of her heart sinking.

/

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	25. Chapter 25

_He knocked on her apartment door every night, but she was never there. He would call and text, but she would never answer or reply. He got lucky when she gave him a one word reply, at least he knew she was still alive. He checked her favourite bars, but she was never there. It was like she never existed. Then one night, he had Mouse ping her phone, and she was in a club. He called her, knowing that photo of them would show up on her phone, but she didn't pick up. So he waited. She would have to come out eventually._

 _He was tempted to go in and carry her out of that club, but he couldn't bring himself to it. She would hate him forever if that happened. He wished he had the courage to do it. Carry her out, kicking and screaming, holding her until she calmed down and talked to him. He would hold her as she cried and he would whisper words into her ear that would hopefully calm her down. He would help her sober up. But if only he walked into the club that night._

 _He stayed outside waiting all night. It was when the sun had fully rose that she stumbled out of the club with her 'friends' and she saw him leaning against her car. He had dark circles under his eyes, but he didn't care. Her words may have been malicious, but she talked to him. He thought he could get through to her, but she put on this facade in front of those drugged out people, and he finally gave up._

 _It was when he sat in his apartment the next day, after she murdered 2 men to save him, that he knew she would be back. He couldn't get the image out of his head. After she had shot Keyes, she looked him in the eye before leaving out that door. It was that vacant look in her eye that sent chills up and down his spine. She felt no remorse for what she did and he was kind of glad, because that is something the old Erin would have done._

 _/_

 _While everyone was at Molly's after a long day, Erin and Hank were at the district. Unbeknownst to everyone, that she just got her job back. When she went to pick up her clothes, she let Hank know that she wanted to see Jay. So he drove her to the hospital and waited for her outside._

 _She hesitated to walk into his room, would he even forgive her? She could hear the beeping of machines in his room, signalling that he was alive. It calmed her a little. She tried to walk through the curtains quietly, just in case he was asleep, but he felt her presence and his eyes shot open._

 __" _Sorry… I didn't realize you were sleeping…"_

" _I wasn't…" His voice was hoarse and raspy, he was exhausted. She saw him trying to sit up and it felt like she had been stabbed in the heart as he grimaced in pain._

" _Jay, don't."_

" _I'm fine Er-"_

" _No! You're not fine. Take a fucking look at yourself will you?!"_

" _Erin-."_

" _Why are you so calm about this? Why don't you hate me right now? Why aren't you yelling at me for leaving you alone?"_

" _Um, for the best interest of the rest of our patients, could I ask for you two to keep it down a bit?" Jay's nurse had walked in when she heard Erin's anger._

" _I'm sorry." Erin had dismissed the nurse._

" _Erin, I don't need to yell at you. I'm not mad." She didn't understand how he was so calm, but it just angered her even more. She knew she was in need of a fix to calm herself down._

" _Look at yourself. Look at where we are. You can barely sit up in bed and your eye is looking even worse than before." She watched his eyes travel down to her waistband and land on her badge that shined in the light of the hospital. He raised a questioning eyebrow at her._

" _That's not important right now."_

" _What do you mean? You're back?!" He tried his best to hide his excitement and with all the pain he was going through, that wasn't an issue. She sighed, and he could feel how annoyed she was._

" _Why aren't you mad?" Her voice sounded broken and he could hear the emotion in it. All her life she grew up with blame being placed on her. Whether it was her Dad or her Mom, but she became accustomed to that feeling. She wanted to have that familiar feeling from him too, but he wouldn't allow for that to happen._

" _C'mere." He slowly tapped the bed next to him._

 _She hesitated, but she came and sat next to him, looking into his ocean blue eyes. They seemed to look more green today. She reached out and gently stroked her thumb against the bruise around his eye. He felt warm, a welcoming feeling. But he flinched, and it sent fear radiating through her. For all she knew, she had done this to him._

" _Hey… I'm okay." He tried to reassure her but he could tell it didn't work. He watched her survey his face and her eyes always seemed to focus on two points: his bruised eye and his lips._

 _Before he could react otherwise, he was kissing her back. He brought his hand up to her face, caressing her cheek. He could feel her crying, so he wiped those tears with the pad of his thumb._

 _When she pulled away, he missed her taste. She excused herself telling him Hank was waiting on her and he was left alone by her once again._

 _She came to his apartment the next day. Hank had dropped her off. He was surprised at his leniency, allowing her out of his sight and especially leaving her alone with him._

" _Hey Lindsay! Are you staying long? I got to get to the ED."_

" _Yeah, I'll be here for a few hours."_

" _Keep an eye on him for me, just make sure he doesn't walk around too much. He's still in a lot of pain."_

 _Her eyes travelled to the top of his head that she could see on top of the couch. He wasn't looking at them, but she knew he was listening. She locked the door after Will had left before going around the couch, sitting as far away as she could._

 _They stared each other down, no one saying a word. There was still dried blood on his face and she knew it would still be covering his body._

" _Did you shower?"_

" _No, I can barely stand." His voice was quiet, just above a whisper._

" _You have a seat in your shower. Let's go." He raised his brows at her teasingly._

" _It's not like that, just a friend helping out a friend."_

" _Mhmm."_

 _She helped him off the couch and every time he groaned her heart dropped a bit. He kept reassuring her but she knew he was trying to help her feel better._

 _When they reached his bathroom, she sat him down on top of the toilet seat and started to undress him. He wore a zip up hoodie and sweats. When she took his hoodie off, she felt the bile in her throat. He was definitely going to have scars. She could see where he was tortured with the taser and where he had been punched. It made her head spin._

 _Once he was naked, she laid a towel over his waist, giving him some privacy while she got the water running hot. When she was satisfied with the temperature, she helped him sit down in his shower. She took the hand-held shower head and allowed the water to spray over his body. She could see him relax as the water sprayed his tense muscles. She scrubbed his hair with his shampoo and before she carefully scrubbed his body, allowing the water to wash off the dried blood. He would wince in pain when she hit a sensitive spot which would make her heart skip a beat. She was hurting him again._

 _After they were done, she turned the water off and carefully dried his body off. Getting him dressed was a hassle. He could barely pick up his legs to get his boxers and sweats on. She had to pull the waistband of each up around him. She decided he could forego a t-shirt for a couple of days. She led him back to the couch and wrapped him up in a blanket to keep him warm._

" _Can I get you anything?"_

" _Just lay here with me." She was surprised at his answer, but she obliged. She was careful, making sure not to put any weight on him. He reached his hand out from under the blanket and rubbed her leg._

 _She doesn't know how long they sit in silence watching TV before she starts to see him dozing off. He looked fairly uncomfortable in the position he was in and before she could stop herself, she put a cushion in her lap and laid his head onto it. She readjusted the blanket around his body so it covers him entirely. Her hand finds his hair as she gently massges his scalp, knowing it brings him comfort. Soon she is asleep too._

Erin couldn't help but reminisce about that day. That day changed her entire life. That day is what led her to have a child with her most favourite person in the world. But he wasn't here now.

It has been a little over 2 months since Jay begun his undercover op. She didn't hear too much from him, and she only got to see him about 4 times in the last 8 or so weeks. He seemed to be very tired and the circles under his eyes seemed to have darkened and gotten deeper. He had gained significant muscle mass, she knew he was taking his stress out on his body at the gym.

As Elizabeth got bigger, she seemed to look smaller in his arms. She still recognized her father at their few meetings. She would squeal and smile when she saw him approaching them. Jay would have tears in his eyes as he interacted with his 6 month old daughter. He tried his best to divide his time between Erin and her, but she always wanted his attention when he came around.

Erin sat up in bed, not being able to sleep that night. She watched Elizabeth sleep in the crib in the corner of the master bedroom. Ever since Jay had left, she felt like she needed her around. It was her soft snores and her blue eyes that reminded her of Jay. It brought her solace. She looked around the dark room that was somewhat illuminated with the streetlights. Her bed was covered in pillows. She had hoped that surrounding herself with pillows would give her the illusion of having him there. But it didn't work. No matter how hard she squeezed the pillows to her chest or in between her legs, she still didn't have _him._ She didn't have the feel of the dips on his muscles or the smell of his body wash and cologne. It had been 2 months, and it seemed like he was slowly fading away from their apartment.

Anytime her phone would ring, her heart would drop. There was a 50% chance that one day she could be getting a call to identify his body. It was the other 50% that kept her sane. Knowing that one day, she could possibly get that phone call from him that he was coming home. That he was currently getting debriefed.

The last 6 months had been tough on her. First the baby, and then Jay leaving. She tried her best to push her postpartum depression away, but some nights she had to let it all go. She would cry to no avail. She was stressed, she couldn't sleep, and she was slowly losing her appetite.

Members of the unit would come over almost every night to cheer her up, but it didn't seem to work. Even that one night Ruzek came to babysit while Erin went grocery shopping and she came back to seeing one of Jay's shirts wrapping around Elizabeth's waist. He couldn't find any of the diapers so he had to improvise. His words, not hers. She cracked a small smile, but that was it. He couldn't have the full effect her soon-to-be husband had on her.

Erin decided she would lie back in bed, and try to get some sleep. She needed to be strong for her daughter. Her eyelids seemed to get heavy, and she soon succumbed to sleep, unaware that Hank was calling her on her phone she had silenced before she put Elizabeth to bed.

/

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	26. Chapter 26

**Trigger Warning: This chapter involves the topic of alcohol abuse, physical abuse and rape. Rated R.**

/

She woke up the next morning, still oblivious to the phone calls and texts she had received in the night. Instead, she woke up at 5 am to the blabbering of her daughter coming from the corner of the bedroom. She smiled sleepily as she sat up in bed, watching the baby enticed once again by her feet. She got out of bed, pocketing her phone simultaneously, before she made her way to the baby, placing a soft kiss on her forehead.

"Hi babe. You're up so early this morning. Are you missing Daddy?" Elizabeth squealed in delight, as if she was answering Erin. "Let's get you some breakfast."

When she had finished giving Elizabeth her bottle, she noticed the baby's eyelids drooping. She rocked her to sleep before setting her down in the portable crib that was kept in the living room. It was the loud thuds on the front door that made Erin jump, and the baby cry. Trying to soothe the baby while getting to the door was a hassle. Elizabeth seemed to be screaming at the top of her lungs and all Erin could think about was who the hell could be at her door at 6 am. After looking through the peep-hole, she immediately swung the door open. Standing on her doorstep was her father figure.

"Hank! You could've just called, I just got Liz back to sleep."

"I did call, 14 times. A few text messages were left too." Erin balanced a now sobbing Elizabeth on her left hip as she dug for her phone in her right pocket. Pulling out her phone and waking the screen, she not only noticed his text messages and phone calls, but some from others in the unit too. She swallowed a lump in her throat and looked back towards Voight. When she found the courage to speak again, her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Hank… where is he?"

He took the baby from her arms before he answered, instantly soothing her.

"We lost track of him. His tracker is gone and his phone went off the grid."

"What about his keys, we always put a mic in the keys."

"That seems to have gone dead too."

Dead. That was the one word she heard in that sentence. Dead. Tears fell from her eyes as she looked towards her baby, completely oblivious to her falling apart. Instead, she had fallen asleep, her chin nestled on Hank's shoulder. At this moment, Erin had wished that she had her innocence. But she knew she couldn't, and it killed her inside.

"Does that mean-"

"No, he's just gone off the map technologically. We'll find him Erin. Ruzek was sent in last night, he'll give us an update in a few hours. Let's go sit down."

/

Ruzek walked around the corridors of the building he knew his friend was currently residing in. He didn't want to go straight to Jay's apartment to avoid looking too suspicious that someone was looking for him. He curved the bill of his cap, allowing him to shade his observant eyes as he looked into some apartment rooms that had their doors left ajar. Whenever he heard screaming or yelling, he would stop in his tracks, eavesdropping. But to his dismay, the voice never came from the man he was looking for.

Finally, he stopped outside the door he was looking for. He quietly tried to turn the door handle only to find it had been locked. Taking a deep breath he knocked on the door a couple of times. He could hear the floorboards behind the door creaking and he braced himself for who he would be seeing behind the door. It had been opened just a crack, and he saw a blue eye looking at him.

"Can I help you?" The voice definitely didn't belong to the man he was looking for.

"Yeah… I'm here to see Logan."

"He's not here."

"Well do you know when I'll be able to see him around?"

"No."

"Can I at least come in?" He heard the sound of a gun click behind the door before he was facing the barrel of it. "Hey look I'm just looking for my friend."

"Get outta here, and if I see you here again, I won't hesitate to shoot." The door was slammed in Ruzek's face as he turned away from the door, hurriedly rushing to the car. As he drove away, he quickly dialled Voight's number, letting him know what had just happened.

/

"I think I'd like to be alone right now."

"Erin are you s-"

"Hank, please." She didn't like begging, but she was desperate for some alone time after that call from Ruzek.

"Do you want me to take the baby, she can stay the day and even the night with me?"

"No, you can go now." She escorted him out the door before slamming it behind him. She sunk down against the door, letting all the tears she had run down her face. This was a pain she'd never felt before. She didn't understand what was happening. Why did bad things always happen to her? She cried until she couldn't cry anymore, only getting up when Elizabeth started crying, needing a diaper change.

/

After getting the baby to sleep later that night, she returned to the living room. She sat on the couch running a hand through her hair. Not knowing where he was was physically and mentally killing her. Her mind automatically went to booze. She knew how it would get her asleep easier, and how it would make that pain in her mind go away, but could she really do that with her 6 month old child in the next room? Would she be able to do that to Jay's child, just as Bunny had done with her? Just one drink couldn't hurt. Right?

/

That one drink turned to two, and soon four. As she reached for the whiskey they kept on one of the higher shelves, she was brought out of her quest by the whimpering that came through the baby monitor. It took her a while to realize what was going on and where the noise was coming from, but when she had, she made her way to the baby.

She knew she shouldn't pick up the baby, just in case she was too intoxicated, so she leaned over the crib and rubbed her back, hoping it would soothe her to sleep. It seemed to work, but even in her drunk mind Erin knew it wouldn't last for long. There would be one point in the night where she would have to change her diaper, and another time to feed her, but that wasn't important at the moment.

After making sure Elizabeth was asleep again, she tried to close to door as quietly as possible, before going back to the kitchen to grab the whiskey. She let it burn her throat as she drowned a gulp, before grabbing a glass and haphazardly pouring the whiskey to the brim. Her eyes watered as she eyed the glass, knowing that she couldn't go down this path again. But the amount of pain she was currently in was too much for her to take. She quickly drowned the glass, before turning into bed and instantly falling asleep.

/

He had no idea where he was. He was just told to hand over his keys and phone to Tyler before they left. Jay watched as his flip phone was opened and stepped on, breaking it completely in half, before he was led out to a truck waiting outside for him.

They drove for over an hour, outside of the city, before they pulled up to a small cabin. He was led to a shed behind the cabin that couldn't have been more than 2 of Jay's arms in length and width.

"I just want to see whether or not you got what it takes to be in this crew." Jay's heart automatically started to beat rapidly. Tyler unlocked the shed and forcefully opened the door. Inside was a girl who couldn't have been older than 16. She was shaking and he had bruising on her face. "I've kept her in here a couple of days now. Was just waiting on a night to bring you here."

He watched Tyler take the handcuffed girl by her hair as he forced her into the cabin. The door slammed behind them bringing Jay out of his gaze. He quickly ran after them, not wanting Tyler out of his view. He made it in time to see Tyler throw the girl against the coffee table in the middle of the living room before turning to turn on some more lights. Her screams of pain made him cringe, _what the fuck was happening?_

Tyler turned to Jay and smiled before speaking. "Do her."

"Wait… what?! What do you mean 'do her'?"

"Don't be stupid, Logan, you know exactly what I mean, or would you like me to show you what I mean?"

He stuttered over his words, wondering what the hell was unfolding in front of him. There was no way he was going to rape this girl, he would never forgive himself for it.

"Suit yourself." Jay watched as Tyler reached for the waistband on the girl's pants, she tried to fight him, only to be met with his fist against her face.

"Wait… I'll do it, I'd just rather do it somewhere more private." He tried to make his voice sound sly, but he knew he failed miserably. Tyler laughed at his comment.

"Wow… a civilized man. Take her to the bedroom over there." He pointed Jay to the furthest room behind the double doors. As Jay grabbed the girl by one of her arms, she screamed and thrashed against him, forcing him to wrap his arms around her waist, carrying her to the room.

He gently put her down on the bed before going back to the doors, giving Tyler a smile as he slammed the doors and locked them. He turned to the girl only to be interrupted by a knocking on the door.

"Logan, wait!" He opened the door again to see Tyler holding some tape. "Put this on her mouth, it just makes the whole situation more… pleasureable." He laughed as he tossed the tape to Jay and turned away.

After once again locking the doors, Jay turned towards the girl who was begging and pleading with him. It broke his heart watching her cower in fear, and he knew he had to choose the right words in order to calm her down.

"Hey… calm down. I'm not going to do anything." He whispered. She kept crying, but it seemed like her cries became muffled. "Trust me, I'm not going to do anything." He put the tape down on the table beside the bed and sat down next to the girl, trying to calm her. "Just relax, stop crying, please."

After about 10 minutes, she had calmed down enough and she even fell asleep, probably exhausted from all the crying and staying in that shed for 2 days. He got up from the bed and walked towards the door. He pretended to fumble with his belt. He saw Tyler sitting in a chair, nursing a bottle of beer.

"How was it?" All Jay did was nod his head. He plumped down on the couch and Tyler handed him a bottle before getting up and stretching. "My turn."

Jay was sure his heart fell out of his body after hearing those words. He had hoped they would leave after Jay had 'did her', but he didn't seem to get lucky enough.

"Hey man, I think she's had enough." He ran after Tyler to the room.

"Man you kept the place clean… and you didn't even use the tape?!" He took his time to answer Tyler, making sure he didn't end up dead in the cabin.

"Just knew that I would do her so good that she wouldn't need it." He cringed as he spoke, offended at himself as he spoke those words.

"Hmm. Well get out or pull up a chair and watch." From his periphery, he saw the girl waking up. He berated himself for not asking for her name or anything about her. His detective instincts seemed to falter when he was scared.

He turned away, closing the doors behind him, before he found himself wandering around the cabin, hoping to find a phone. He stopped as he heard screaming coming from the behind the double doors. All he wanted to do was barge into the room, but he couldn't bring himself to witness what was going on. _God I'm such a coward._

He listened to her screams for about 15 minutes, before they all of a sudden stopped. He heard a belt buckle and a switchblade, he knew what was coming next. Once again, his ears were filled with screams of pain. He managed to make it outside as he emptied all the contents of his stomach. He wheezed and dry heaved, before he felt Tyler come up behind him.

"You okay man?"

"Yeah… I'm fine."

"Well, I'm fucking exhausted… let's just crash out here tonight."

Jay walked back into the cabin, unable to look towards the bedroom. He knew exactly what he was going to find if he looked in there. He had to confirm his suspicions, because he had been an eyewitness to the assault, and that meant charging Tyler and going home. To his girls.

As he walked into the room, he was greeted with blood. Blood soaked the sheets and it soaked the carpet. Everything in the room was littered and as he looked towards the girl, he noticed she was missing her fingers and one of her ears, they were all on the floor.

"She struggled too much." Tyler said as he snuck in behind Jay and patted him on the back. "You must have gotten all the good stuff from her."

/


	27. Chapter 27

**HEY! It's been so long since I updated this story and I'm losing motivation for it, so it's hard to write. Anyways, enjoy a short chapter, hope to write more soon.**

 **/**

Jay didn't get much sleep that night. His ears were still ringing with the screams of the girl. They were screams of pain and screams of helplessness. If he hadn't been such a coward, maybe he could've rushed into that bedroom and taken down Tyler when he could. But now all he could do was stare in the direction of the room where the dead body laid.

Tyler slept through the night with ease, but Jay was a whole different story. He tossed and turned on the bed of one of the bedrooms in the cabin, not being able to bring himself to close his eyes. If was like coming home all over again. He knew if his eyelids came over his pupils, the darkness would overtake him, and he would be dreaming of his pain once again. Pain that almost led to his suicide. And he couldn't go through all that again.

He wished he could hold his baby, because her innocence, her smile and her giggles made all seem right in the world. He wished he could be with Erin, inhaling her scent as he let his slumber slowly take over him.

But he couldn't. Not tonight.

All he needed was to find a phone. And when he did, he could call Voight, and the undercover op would be over.

He was a witness. He would have to testify. But at least he would be home.

/

Erin woke up early the next morning to the sound of Elizabeth's shrill cry and a pounding headache. When she looked over to the clock, she realized it wasn't as early as she thought.

When she sat up in bed, her head seemed to weigh her down. It was as if the pillow had a magnetic pull solely to her skull, wanting the weight put back down on it. She knew she needed to get to her daughter to tend to her needs, and she knew that she couldn't let Jay down. If he was even alive. But the effects of the alcohol outweighed all of her thoughts, making her useless.

She tried to make her way to the nursery as quickly as possible before busting through the door. The loud bang seemed to startle Elizabeth even more and her cries grew louder. She reached towards Erin with her arms, hoping to be soothed by her.

When Erin picked her up, her right ear was full of the screams of her daughter. She swayed her hips back and forth while simultaneously rubbing Elizabeth's back. It didn't seem to help and soon, Erin was putting the baby back in her crib, before she closed the door and ran to the bathroom to empty her stomach.

She dry heaved for a few minutes while listening to Elizabeth's muffled cries. Erin sunk to the floor next to the toilet and let her emotions come out. Her body racked with sobs and all she wanted at the moment was to feel Jay's arms around her, holding her together before she completely falls apart. But it had been too late. Because all she wanted to do was walk over to the balcony of their apartment and hurl herself towards the concrete below. She knew that the second she would find out that Jay was no longer breathing, that she wouldn't hesitate to do it.

Elizabeth's cries turned to a whimper, and then there was no more noise. Her crying tuckered her out and she fell asleep again. As Erin sat on the cold tile floor of her bathroom, all she felt like was a failure. She was turning into her mother, the junkie who was high on drugs or drunk all the time, unaware to her child's needs. Maybe she would even be bringing in random guys from bars to rebound with. Anything to get her mind off of Jay.

She managed to pick herself up off of the floor, only making it far enough to her bed, collapsing once again. Her breath still tasted of alcohol, making her withdrawal unbearable. She remembered during her sabbatical how she would usually wake up and pop a few pills with something in a glass on her bed side table. She would never know what her beverage was, until is was assaulting her taste buds and burning her throat. _God, I would kill for something like that, right now._

/

"Hey, when are we gonna get outta here?" Jay's voice was deep and sunken, a result of his all nighter. All he wanted to do was get back to a familiar environment, somewhere where he knew his bearings and surroundings, giving him a somewhat advantage over Tyler.

"Why you so anxious about it? That's like the fifth time you asked me today."

"Just wanted to sleep in my actual bed." The statement had more meaning than Tyler knew. His actual bed was at home, cuddled with Erin in his side and his baby in the bassinet on his side of the bed. His actual bed which didn't creak every time he shifted positions. His actual bed where he could get a proper night's sleep without having to worry whether or not someone who find out about his identity.

"Chill, we'll leave in a bit."

Jay's body tensed and relaxed simultaneously. He had no idea why Tyler wanted to stay longer at the cabin, their job had been done last night after all. The area was desolate and if Tyler was going to try to hurt him, it would be days before someone would find his body. He tried his best to keep Tyler in his line of sight, but his restless night proved that to be impossible. Consequently, he noticed how Tyler said 'we'. So that meant he had intentions of taking him back to the apartment.

He sat on the couch all morning, waiting for the moment that Tyler would grab his keys, signalling it was time to leave, but that moment never happened. Tyler was extremely hungover and he didn't leave the couch all morning. He slept mostly, only waking up to throw up.

Jay was extremely tempted on grabbing the keys and making a run for it, but he knew his cover would be blown for sure, and Tyler would leave Chicago and the case would fall flat. So he sat and did nothing, completely unaware to the hell breaking loose at home.

/

"Erin? Erin are you here?" Voight let himself into the apartment of his pseudo-daughter, expecting to see Erin and Elizabeth, but he was greeted with silence. The car was in the parking garage but he assumed they could've been gone on a walk or to the park across the street. His heart, instead, dropped when he saw the half drank whiskey bottle and a few empty beer bottles littering the kitchen counter.

He quickly made his way to Elizabeth's room, bursting through the door. His entrance seemed to startle her from her slumber, and soon his ears were ringing with her cries. He picked up the baby, rubbing his hand over her back hoping to soothe her, before noticing her diaper needed a change.

After freshening up, her cries subsided, but she still whined. She sucked on her fingers, hoping to get some food while Hank made his way into the kitchen, opening the cabinets full of baby food. Elizabeth greedily ate as Voight wondered when the last time she had been fed. He also wondered where Erin was, and why she hadn't come running at the sound of Elizabeth's needs.

After burping the baby, he carried her towards the master bedroom. He opened the door, and found it vacant. The bed had been slept in, obvious due to the scattered sheets. He turned towards the bathroom and knocked on the door.

"Erin, open up!"

"Get outta here, Hank." Her voice sounded weak and broken, but there was some anger in it. He knew the anger wasn't directed towards him, it was likely the stress of not knowing about Jay. He knew, because he was stressed too.

"Erin, I'm not leaving so open the damn door!" He heard her move from her position which he assumed was the floor before he heard the click of the lock. "Erin, what're you doing?"

"I can't do this anymore, Hank. I can't do this without him." Tears rolled down her cheeks as she spoke.

"Why was Liz left unattended?"

"She needs someone who can parent her… I can't be the one. I can't let Jay down, even if he is alive. Just take her away from me."

"Erin-"

"JUST TAKE HER AND LEAVE. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE."

"Erin, don't do this." His voice was still soft compared to hers. He balanced the baby in his arms as she had started crying. "You said you didn't want to be like your mother, and-"

"WELL MAYBE I WAS DESTINED TO BE LIKE JUST HER, IT'S ALL I EVER GREW UP WITH! WHO EVEN CARES, NOW LEAVE!" She pushed him out of the threshold of the bathroom door before shutting it in Voight's face. The baby's cries filled his ear as he turned away from the door. He took Elizabeth to her room, placing her down in the crib, hoping Erin would come out running, telling him that she was wrong. But it didn't happen.

He gathered some diapers, wipes, clothes and a few toys in a bag. He stopped by the kitchen, grabbing a few bottles of baby food before placing Elizabeth in her car seat. He carried it down to his SUV, where he secured the seat, before getting into the driver's side and driving away, taking one last look up to the apartment window, hoping to see her there. But he didn't.

/

 **PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, REVIEW!**


	28. Chapter 28

**Recap: Jay witnessed a rape and murder. Hank walked into Erin in a catatonic state and had to removed Elizabeth from her care.**

 **Character review: Tyler: Suspect; Logan: Jay's undercover name; James: Crew member; Garcia: Jay's former Army sergeant and part of the crew.**

 **It's been a while since I updated and I found myself going back and reading who was who, so I thought I'd help you out.**

 **Enjoy :)**

 **/**

They spoke in hushed tones in the other room, but Jay would occasionally feel their eyes burning into him. He still didn't have a phone, and he still didn't see a way out. He had no transportation, and he knew that the public transit would take too long to get him to safety. He just had to wait it out.

Jay sat in 'his' living room, mindlessly watching TV. He and Tyler had recently gotten back to Chicago and back to their apartment where they met up James. He immediately took Tyler into the other room, staring Jay down as he did so. It made Jay extremely uncomfortable. He liked being aware of his surroundings and of the people in it, just as he was taught as a Ranger.

"Yo, Logan." Tyler's voice boomed from the threshold of the living room.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Where'd you say you came from?" Jay could see Tyler cracking his fingers with his thumb. There was a hint of exasperation and anger in the tone of his voice. _This doesn't sound good._

"Well I did some time up in Gen Pop for assault."

"I thought you said that you did time for Grand Theft?" James mentioned quickly.

"Yeah, I-uh, I did! That was like immediately after Gen Pop." Jay's voice became shaky and breathy. _Fuck._

"What's goin' on?" Garcia's voice piped up from the front door as he walked into the 3 men talking.

"Wow. Good timing Garcia. You see, James here did a little bit of research." Tyler purposely emphasized the last syllable. "Apparently you and _Jay_ knew each other a few years back? Rangers, huh? Impressive."

Jay was sure he was going to throw up. He quickly stood up from the couch, getting ready to defend himself.

"Who's Jay?" Garcia tried his best to lie, but even he was scared. He quickly looked over to Jay who was shaking his head subtly.

"Jay Halstead. Former Ranger. Current detective with the Chicago Police Department. Intelligence." There was maliciousness to how Tyler spoke those words.

"Hey Tyler, I didn't know man. I swear!"

"Well he seems to be doing better off than you. Has a kid. What'd you even amount to?"

Garcia took a few steps towards Tyler who obviously hit a nerve.

"What'd you just fucking say to me?" Garcia was furious. His anger quickly took over his mind, and he couldn't react in time to see Tyler pulling out the gun he had in his waistband.

Two shots.

Two shots that would always be etched into Jay's memory.

He watched his former Sergeant fall to the ground, blood pooling around his lifeless body quickly.

"You." Tyler quickly turned the barrel of the gun towards Jay. He didn't get any time to react.

One shot.

/

Erin sat on the floor against the cool tub. Her eyes had run out of tears long before and she had to deal with the burning pain she felt. The earlier events of the day finally began to settle into her mind. She debated whether or not to call Hank, to beg for Elizabeth back. But she knew he wouldn't put Elizabeth in danger. Not after what he saw.

She got up off of the floor, turning around to turn the shower on. She let the scalding water hit her skin, turning it red. The pain was a welcoming sensation to her aching muscles. Her head was still pounding and all her crying didn't seem to help.

When she was towel drying her hair, she couldn't help but look at the photos arranged symmetrically on her bedside table. They were all of Jay and Elizabeth.

Her world.

She picked one of the pictures up, running her fingertips over Jay's face.

"I'm sorry I let you down." Her voice was choked and broken. She thought about how perfect her life had been not 4 months ago. When she and Jay would go off to work and come back together every night to their little bundle of joy. She was supposed to be getting married but the thought of her having to potentially plan Jay's funeral was the only thing her mind could focus on.

Marriage had never even been something she thought about. She would always shy away from the conversation when Camille would ask her about what her ideal wedding would look like or when one of those bitchy high school friends of hers would talk about bachelorette parties.

Then that blue-eyed man walked into her life and she found herself thinking about settling down more than she ever had.

Erin could feel the tears gathering in her eyes again and she tried her best to stop them. Ultimately, she lost, and they flowed quickly down her face. She cried until she was hyperventilating. And when she calmed herself down, she cried again. This was a pain she had never felt before. Not when she was abused by her parents, not when Camille died. Not even when Nadia died.

The last time she felt this pain was when Jay had been kidnapped. When she was unsure whether or not that the one man that gave her enough attention would ever grace her presence again.

This was a pain she wouldn't be able to get over.

Her phone buzzed on her bedside table and when she read Hank's name, she turned it off quickly. She didn't want to deal with him lashing out on her at the moment.

She cried until she couldn't anymore and lost the fight to sleep, hoping all of this unfolding was just a nightmare.

/

"Sarge, I've got something!" Ruzek's voice carried throughout the second floor of the 21st district. Voight came running out of his office with Elizabeth bouncing happily in her grandpa's embrace, completely oblivious to the shit-show everyone was viewing.

Ruzek pointed towards his computer screen as everyone gathered around to see what was happening.

"Caught it on one of the pods on the corner of the street where Jay is. He came back with Tyler earlier today." He fast forwarded the video a few more hours. "That's Tyler and one of his crewmates coming back out without Jay. 20 minutes ago. Jay's there, alone right now."

"Nice work, Ruzek. Everyone suit up. Hurry up." Voight looked over to Elizabeth in his arms and sighed deeply before turning down the stairs.

"Trudy, I need a favour."

"Hmm." She nodded, not paying much attention.

"Look after her. We've potentially found Halstead." Platt's head quickly looked up at Voight and the baby. "Will is coming by to pick her up. He just said to give him about 15 minutes."

"Is he okay? Does he look okay?"

"Yeah, he was walking. Just, don't call Erin yet. Please. I'll call you and give an update soon. I gotta go."

He handed the smallest Halstead to Platt before heading towards the door that led to the garage. The entire time he suited up and spent driving to the apartment block, his mind raced. Most of it was relief, knowing that Jay was still alive and looking healthy.

He wasn't prepared for what he saw when he walked into room 202.

/

 **Leave some reviews please! Thanks for reading :)**


	29. Chapter 29

"Are you hungry?" Will cooed at his niece. "How about some peaches? You love them." Will turned towards the diaper bag and extracted the jar of crushed peaches. Elizabeth blabbered happily, agreeing with her uncle's choice of food.

"You know, Jay loved peaches when he was a kid. Our mom would always cut them up into little pieces so he could eat them by himself. Ever the independent guy he was." He tied a bib around her neck gently. "But you're still a little bit young and I don't want you making a mess so I'll feed you." He scooped a bite of food into her mouth.

"Grandpa Hank called me and told me about everything that happened with Mommy this morning. Don't worry, she'll be fine once she sees your Dad. I can't believe I'm saying this but even I'm excited to see him. It's been awhile." Elizabeth smiled at Will as if she was giving her opinion on the matter.

After feeding the baby, Will took her into his washroom for a bath. He let her play in the bubbles while he gently washed her body before he pulled her out and dried her.

"Now, I don't really know about your nighttime schedule at home so let's try out a new one. The White Sox are playing the Blue Jays tonight and I think we have a good chance." He quickly put a diaper around her bottom and dressed her in some fleece footy pyjamas. "There, now you're all set."

Towards the second inning of the game, Elizabeth's eyes started to flutter closed. Will gave her a bottle which she drank at her own pace before he rocked her to sleep. He laid her down on the couch next to him so he could keep an eye on her before returning his attention to the game.

During the bottom of the fourth, his cell phone vibrated loudly against the coffee table, waking Elizabeth. He tried to stop her crying as he grabbed his phone simultaneously.

"Hello."

"Will, it's me."

"Hey, Sergeant Voight. What's up?"

"I need you to get to Med. We have Jay."

"The hospital? Why?" Will's heart sunk as he got an ear full of Elizabeth's screaming.

"He was shot."

"What?"

"Will get your ass to Med."

"What do I do with Liz?"

"Bring her with you, just hurry up." Voight's tone of voice made Will's extremities shake. He tried his best to focus on comforting Elizabeth while he grabbed his jacket, wallet and keys. He quickly got Elizabeth ready and packed into her car seat before racing down to Med. Jay always told him that his driving was atrocious and that someday he would get himself into a car accident, so being mindful of the baby in the back, he slowed down to a safer pace.

When he got to the surgical waiting room of Med, he was greeted by the unit. Everyone but Erin. Blood covered Voight's clothing and there was a feeling of unease surrounding them.

Elizabeth saw her Grandpa and immediately wanted to be transferred to him but he didn't want the blood covering him to get transferred. When she fussed, Ruzek stepped in and took her.

"What the hell happened?"

"We barged into the room and he was just slumped over on the floor. There was blood pooling around him and when I turned him over I noticed the gunshot. I only found one on the left side of his chest and tried to stop the bleeding. Rhodes is in there with him now." Voight watched the older Halstead lose some colour in his skin. He was already clammy and it looked like he was going to pass out. "Will, go find something out. Please."

Instead, Will pulled Voight over to the side.

"Where's Erin?"

"I don't know. I called her a few times but she didn't pick up. I'll go check in once you find something for me to tell her." Will nodded before turning towards the doors, restricting access to doctors and medical personnel only.

/

He read the whiteboard outside of the OR as he scrubbed his hands vigorously. He slipped the mask over his face as he walked into the room.

"Connor."

"Will, this is not the time." All Will could focus on was the blood that was splattered across Rhodes' scrubs and face. "WILL! Get outta here."

"Not until you tell me what's going on!"

"Just give me a few minutes and I'll let you know. Just get outta here before I have someone help you out."

Reluctantly, Will agreed, only to pace around directly outside the OR. Rhodes met a furious Will Halstead 20 minutes later.

"You said a few minutes!"

"Will, relax. Why don't we go and sit down?"

"No, just tell me what happened. I got people outside waiting on me to give them an answer that Jay's gonna be alright. Give me something."

"Okay well, Jay lost a lot of blood. The bullet punctured his left lung leading to a pneumothorax when we removed it. He also fractured two of his ribs, likely from when he collapsed. One of them nicked his aorta leading him to bleed into his chest cavity. We repaired the laceration and gave him 2 litres of O neg so far but it doesn't seem like he's improving. We've got him on a ventilator right now and we're just trying to keep him comfortable."

"Comfortable? There's no way in hell, Connor!"

"I'll give you and Erin some time to think about it, but it's my best opinion that we don't keep his body in distress for too long. He's not in pain and I think we should let him go peacefully. I'm sorry, Will."

Will was sure he was going to collapse now. He could feel his legs getting lighter and his head spinning before he felt Rhodes' hand around his arm.

"C'mon we'll do this together."

"Let me see him first."

"Let's let the nurses get him settled. Then we'll go."

/

Voight left angrily before Rhodes could even finish giving Jay's prognosis. All he felt was rage and discomfort. How was he going to tell Erin? She already seemed like she was on the outs and there was no doubt that this would be her last straw.

He saw her fall out when Nadia died and knew that she would never recover from this. She had a daughter to think about now. A daughter he never imagined that would look like the man he tried to ban from dating Erin.

There was too much at risk.

/

He made his way up to their apartment and didn't bother to knock. He pulled his keys out and inserted the one that fit snugly into the lock.

"Erin!"

He searched the apartment before he found her asleep on the bed. She groaned as she heard him calling out her name and opened her eyes to see him towering over her.

"Get dressed. We've got Jay. I'll explain on the way to Med."

"What? Hank. Med?"

"C'mon I don't want to stay here longer than we have to."

/

Hank explained everything to Erin on the way to the hospital. He couldn't bear to see her tears flowing steadily down her face. He reassured her constantly even though he knew it wasn't helping.

When they arrived at Med, Will told them everything in detail before they went in to see Jay. Elizabeth saw Erin from Ruzek's lap and began to cry out for her.

"Mama mama mama."

"Hi, babe. You look so happy! Did you miss mommy?" Erin placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "You should be asleep."

"Here, I'll carry her in as we go." Will offered. Elizabeth fussed as she was transferred out of her mother's embrace but soon settled her head against Will's chest.

Erin was glad Will was holding the baby when she saw Jay. Her heart dropped when she saw his almost lifeless body on the bed. He looked so helpless and weak and all Erin wanted to do was replace him with herself. _I deserve it._

"Connor said that they have him comfortable and that he's not in pain right now. He advised that we have everyone say their goodbyes before we take him off the ventilator and let him go on his own."

"No." Her voice was only a weak whisper.

"What?"

"There's no way I'm letting that happen. We keep him on the vent."

"Erin, the likelihood that he-"

"I don't care about statistics, Will. He's stubborn. Even you should know that. We keep him on the vent."

Will knew there was no point in trying to fight Erin on her choice. He placed Elizabeth back in Erin's embrace as she sat down in the reclining chair next to Jay's bed. Both Will and Hank left to give the small family a few moments of privacy.

"Dada." Elizabeth pointed her little finger towards her sleeping father.

"Yeah that's Dada." Erin replied sadly.

"DADA!" Elizabeth wiggled around in Erin's embrace as she reached out for her father.

"Careful Liz, Daddy's hurt." Erin still let her onto the bed, being mindful of Jay's chest. She watched Elizabeth climb timidly into the crook of Jay's right arm before settling her head into his armpit. She fell asleep almost instantly. All Erin could do was smile. She wished she could have Elizabeth's innocence at times like this. She had no idea that Jay was hurt and half-dead. All she cared about was she could finally sleep touching her Dad again.

"You'd hate me if you knew what I did. Come back to us. I can't do this without you." Her voice was strangled as it came out. She stood up and leaned over Jay, kissing his forehead before settling back into the chair, watching him.

/

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	30. Chapter 30

"We gonna talk about it?" Voight's voice broke the pattern of beeping in the room.

"Not right now. I don't want some of Liz's potential last moments with him spoiled." Erin watched the sleeping baby in Jay's arm.

"Don't think like that Erin."

"You heard what Will and Connor said."

"There's still a chance."

"Then tell me why I keep being asked to sign the papers that would take him off the vent." Voight sighed.

"Did you want me to take Liz home?"

"No. I want her to stay. Just in case."

They settled into silence again, listening to the steady, rhythmic beeping of the machines. Jay's eyes would occasionally flutter, but they never opened. Will said it was because he still had some brain activity.

Erin managed to figure out the pattern of all the care revolved around Jay in the last 12 hours. Every 2 hours at the top of the hour, Rhodes would come in, shine his light into Jay's eyes before looking over to the monitors. He would then look down towards Erin, his eyes asking her the question he already knew the answer to. Following him, a nurse would come by and check his vitals and if needed, she would inject something through his IV line or change his banana bag. A janitor in scrubs made her way through every 4 hours, politely excusing herself as she checked the room and bathroom for any waste that needed collecting.

Elizabeth began to fuss at around 9, uncharacteristically late for her. She moved around gently and Erin was quick to pick her up off of Jay. She rubbed her back and waited for her to open her eyes before she placed a kiss to her head.

"Hey, babe. Sleep okay?" Elizabeth grunted. "I bet you're hungry, huh? Let's change your diaper first and then I'll get you fed." Erin left towards the bathroom, leaving Voight alone.

He hesitantly approached the bed and placed a hand on Jay's arm. It was pale and cold to touch.

"I'm sorry if I'm being really negative right now. I just want Erin to face reality. The longer she lets you hold on the more it'll hurt her in the end. Now would be a really good time to do something. Make those monitors beep like crazy, wiggle your fingers. Anything to show her you're still here. She really needs it."

He went and sat back down where he had been sitting before, pretending as if that one-sided conversation had never happened.

/

"Erin you need to grab something to eat. What good will you be in you end up in a hospital bed too?"

"If he's not going to make it I might as well kill myself too." The words hung heavy in the air.

"What about Liz?"

"What about her? You saw how I was yesterday. You really wanna put her back in my care? I'm just like Bunny and you just don't want to say it."

Voight approached Erin in the chair and picked up Elizabeth from her lap. She was completely oblivious to everything around her and enjoyed the extra attention she was getting in the last 12 hours.

"Get something to eat, take your phone. I'll call if something happens." Reluctantly, Erin agreed.

She pushed herself out of the chair and sulked her way to the cafeteria downstairs. She grabbed a cup of coffee and wolfed down a muffin, not surprised by how hungry she was. She made her way to the ED in search of her brother-in-law, hoping he could answer some of the questions she had buzzing in her head. When she didn't see him, she walked away, searching for the other person in the hospital who could give her answers.

She found him making his rounds and waited outside a room for him to return. He was caught off guard when he saw her and he half-heartedly knew what she wanted to ask. He took her to a more private room with chairs and sat down across from her.

"Erin, what can I do for you?" ' voice was patient and soft.

"Yesterday, you told me he was comfortable and he wasn't feeling any pain. How long will he be like that?"

"Well, as time goes on his painkillers will wear off. The longer he's sedated the more pain he will likely feel."

"How long does it usually take, after you-" Erin's voice trailed off. She didn't need to finish her sentence for him to understand what she meant.

"He will go on his own pace. I've seen it take hours and other times, days. It's all up to Jay."

"Can you up his morphine so I know for sure he won't be hurting?"

"I can, yes."

Erin took a deep breath.

"Where do I sign?"

/

She called Will to make sure he was okay with her decision before she put her signature on the dotted line. She asked Rhodes for a couple of hours for everyone to say their goodbyes before they take him off the machine to which he agreed. Making those phone calls to the unit was the hardest. Her voice cracked every time she told them individually about her decision.

In the room, they all stood in silence, watching. No one wanted to speak, to interrupt the last few moments they would get with their friend. Elizabeth didn't understand. She didn't know why everyone was crying and she tried her best to comfort each and every person in that room with giggles, hugs and a slobbery kiss. It only broke Erin's heart even more. When Elizabeth began to rub her eyes for a much needed nap, Erin placed her back in Jay's arm.

One by one, the unit gave their last goodbyes before heading out, letting Erin, Elizabeth and Will get some privacy. When Connor came back into the room, Erin could feel the last bit of her starting to fall apart. Will did his best to comfort her, but he couldn't keep it together himself.

"Hold on. I want her to get one last kiss." Erin gently woke a cranky Elizabeth and watched her place a lazy kiss on Jay's cheek and then closer to his lips. Erin did the same, followed by Will.

"You can keep her in his arm if you want." Rhodes offered sympathetically. Erin didn't need to argue.

She watched from the bedside how the team of nurses gently removed the oxygen from his nose and the IV out of his hand. Rhodes skillfully removed the tube that was down Jay's throat and mentioned how there was no gag reflex to one of the nurses. He turned off the ventilator as it started to frantically beep.

"We'll keep his heart monitors on so we know. We'll just monitor him from now on."

Erin sat back down as everyone began to leave. It was only her and Will in the room yet she felt so claustrophobic.

"You should get some sleep. There's no telling how long it will be. I'll wake you up if anything happens." The last thing Erin wanted to do was sleep. She wanted to soak up every second she could. But even she knew her attempts would be futile, so she agreed. She knew she would want to be alert when his final breaths would come out of his nose and as his heart would take their final pumps.

She quickly succumbed into a deep slumber filled with images of his blue-green eyes, his nose littered with freckles and his lopsided grin.

/

 **Leave me a review, please!**


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: I can't remember how old Elizabeth is (that's what I deserve for leaving this story for months), so let's say she's 10 months old.**

/

He wanted a military send off, and that's what he would get. He would get the 6 men carrying his coffin and the man on the trumpet playing Taps. He would get his 3 gunshots and Erin would get the folded flag.

His only beneficiary.

Erin felt a warm hand shaking her awake, and if she tried hard enough, she could feel some similarities in the hand of her fiance.

"Erin…" She opened her eyes and was greeted with brown eyes and red hair.

"I'm just going to go pick up some coffee. Thought you might want to stay awake while I was gone. Same thing as usual?"

"Yeah. Please. Thanks Will."

"Call if anything happens."

"Of course."

She watched him leave the room before settling her eyes back onto Jay. She took his hand in hers and felt the skin underneath her fingertips, memorizing it.

"It's okay to go now. I signed the papers and they won't do anything to resuscitate you. Rhodes said you aren't in pain and I want you to go before it catches up to you. I promise to give Elizabeth a life I never got to have. I'll make sure to tell her stories about you and show her all the pictures we have of us. I want her to know that for the amount of time she had you, that you loved her with all you had. That you were never like your father. You were always there for her when she needed you and even though you won't be around us physically you'll still be with her. Just please keep one promise: that you'll look over us and protect us from anything and everything life throws at us. I know I should be telling you to take your time as you go but I need to get Liz home. She's getting really restless and cranky now and I need to try to get her to some point of normalcy." She took a breath. "I love you so much, Jay. I can't thank you enough for everything you did for me these last few years. I tried to build a wall but you kept tearing it down and that's something I could never repay." She lets the tears fall down her cheeks and onto his face as she wraps his head into her chest. He still has a faint smell of his shampoo and cologne, only making Erin cry harder.

She tries to pull herself together before someone sees, but fails. Will walks back in with two cups of coffee before he places them down on the counter and gently brings Erin into his embrace.

They don't know how long they stay like that, but they find some comfort. Will tries to reassure her like he knows Jay would. But it feels wrong to him. He feels anger bubbling out of him because right now, as Erin falls apart, it should be Jay holding her together. Not him.

/

"I need some air, I'll be back quick." Erin stood up quickly later that evening and made her way towards the exit. She let the fresh air of Chicago hit her face and fill her lungs, a contrast to all the medicine and antiseptics she had been inhaling the last day.

She looks down the street and a bright sign catches her eye. She knows she shouldn't, but the craving is too powerful.

Erin quickly makes her way into the liquor store and picks up the first bottle of whiskey she sees. After paying for it, she walks back towards Med, drowning half the bottle by the time she makes it there. Instead of going back up to Jay's room, she stops outside the doors to Med, and downs as much of the liquid as her body lets her.

It doesn't hit her yet, so she makes it back to his room unnoticed. Even Will didn't question anything. It wasn't until Elizabeth woke up, needing to be fed, that Erin started to fall apart.

Elizabeth's wails hurt Erin's head even though she didn't pick her up. She sat with her head in her hands, willing for the tears to not fall from her eyes. She could hear Will calling out her name, but he sounded so far away. Erin could feel him moving around as he picked Elizabeth off of Jay and bounced her in his arms.

"Erin!" Finally, her panic seemed to settle slightly. "What the hell was that?"

"I-I don't know, Will. I'm sorry." Her words had begun to slur a bit. As Will had finally calmed the baby down, he put her back down on the bed and gave her one of the toys he found in the diaper bag.

"Are you drunk?" There was a bluntness to his words. "Cause Sergeant Voight told me all about what he walked into yesterday morning. You really think Jay would want that? His kid in the possession of a drunk?"

"Excuse me? Don't condescend me like that. I know exactly what Jay would want."

"As his brother, I know too. And if you want to check out then I'm sure as hell not letting my niece be the victim of you fallout."

"What're you going to do? Fight me for custody?"

"If it comes down to that, I will."

"You really think a judge is going to let a single-overworked doctor take custody of a child?"

"Beats a drunk."

"If you're going to talk to me like that, you can leave."

"I leave, I take her with me."

Erin stared into the pit of Will's eyes. She knew by his defiance that he wasn't lying. She sat back down in the chair, holding her head up against her right fist.

"Erin…" There was a softness to his voice that reminded her of Jay. "I can get you some help."

"I don't need help."

"Yes you do! Take a look at yourself!"

"I'm fine, Will. Let's just focus on what's important right now."

/

The next morning, Rhodes came in to check on Jay's vitals.

"His oxygen saturation is lower and his heartbeat has slowed. It could just be because he's cold, there's no way to really tell."

Erin was nursing the mother of all hangovers and the glares she received from Will weren't helping much. Voight had come by to drop off extra clothes and food for Elizabeth and Will had ushered him outside. She didn't have to hear their conversation to know what they were talking about. She honestly didn't even care. All her life people talked behind her back. Why should she let it get to her now?

They both came back into the room, staring at Erin.

"Not a word."

/

"Dada?"

"Dada's sleeping. He can't play right now." Erin's voice sounded hoarse. How was she supposed to explain to an almost-one-year-old that they were waiting for her father to die so they could go home.

"Hey Liz, how about we go for a walk?" Will offered.

"No." She pressed herself more into Erin as Will opened his arms for her.

"You sure? There's a park outside."

"If she doesn't want to go, leave her. She can tell something is wrong."

"How long you gonna keep her here. She's getting restless."

"I want her to be able to be here for his last moments. This might be the only memory she'll have of him." Erin was beginning to get tired of reiterating her reasons as to why Elizabeth had never left Jay's bedside. Members from the unit dropped by for updates and offered to take her with them, but Erin refused.

"You really want her to remember him as dying?"

"Does it matter? He's her father." Will huffed out a breath.

"How's the hangover?"

"It's fine."

"I'm going to get you some water, you look dehydrated. Need anything else?"

"No. Thanks."

She watched Will leave through her periphery before returning her attention to her daughter. Erin held her little hand in hers, taking in the soft skin. She kissed her hand before speaking.

"You're not going to understand this until you get older, and I don't want to see the day when you ask me about him. We're just waiting on Dada's last breath. He got hurt in his undercover op. I should've begged Hank more to let him stay here with us. I don't know how I'll do this without him. You're the only thing I'll have that reminds me of him. You have his nose and his grin. But most importantly you have those eyes. Those eyes that are _so_ innocent right now. All these words leaving my mouth are gibberish to you. I'm scared that there's going to be a day where you won't even remember him and his love for you. You love him so much and you're learning too early that the world isn't fair. I'm sorry." She brought Elizabeth into her embrace.

She closed her eyes and relished the smell of Elizabeth as the tears fell down her cheeks, not noticing the small twitch of Jay's index finger.

/

 **A/N 2: To all of those people asking me not to kill Jay: You really think I'd kill him? I wouldn't have a story to write, lol.**


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: Just in case anyone missed it, two chapters were posted within a couple of hours on Wednesday evening/night. Generally this website doesn't email for a second update within a 24-hour period and if you don't follow my Tumblr you may have not known about one of the updates.**

 **Thanks for all the reviews and support, xo. :)**

/

He remembers waking up for a few seconds. He thinks he's in a hospital, but he's not sure. He feels a weight on his right arm before succumbing to sleep.

The weight is still there when he wakes up again. _Why does it keep moving around? I'm just hallucinating._

He finally managed to feel his fingers, albeit, just one. His right index finger. The weight is gone. He hears a sniffle as he manages to move his finger before sleep takes over again.

It's dark this time around. He hears snoring. He also hears a voice. It's a male voice, but he can't tell who's.

" _Remember that time when Mom caught us…"_ He doesn't hear the rest of the sentence as he falls asleep again.

36 hours.

The amount of time that Jay had been off of the vent. His finger twitches and the occasional opening of his eyes go unnoticed. He can't keep his eyes open long enough to get someone's attention.

He needs water.

His tongue and throat feel dry and scratchy and his lips are chapped. Water is the last thing he can think about as his fatigue takes over.

The next time he wakes up, he can remember that he wanted to get someone's attention. He moves his fingers to the best of his ability and he keeps his eyes open long enough. He searches for something. Anything. When he hears a voice.

"Dada!"

He can't move his head so he turns his eyes towards the direction of the voice. She looks familiar but he can't put his finger on it. It's the blue eyes and curly brown hair and her dimpled cheeks. The name she called out registers in his brain and he feels comfort for the first time in God knows how long. Her giggle is what he reminisces about when he falls asleep again.

There's a weight bouncing on his stomach the next time he wakes up. He sees those curls and a drool filled face sitting on him. She is scolded by a female voice and that's when he sees her brown locks of hair.

 _Erin._

Her name is at the tip of his tongue and he needs to desperately get her attention. She picks up the baby from his stomach and sits down in the chair next to the bed. His eyes never leave her as he tries his best to make some kind of noise. Panic settles in when he can't muster up the energy to open his mouth. He hears beeping, it's erratic. It's synchronized to the rise and fall of his chest. Erin stands up next to the bed, her brows furrowed.

"Jay?"

It's the last thing he hears before closing his eyes.

/

"I saw what I saw. His eyes were open and his chest was moving higher up and down than ever." Will and Connor looked at her dumbfounded.

"You're sure Erin? You could've been hallucinating, you've barely had anything to eat or much sleep the last couple of days." Connor wasn't exactly convinced. The last head CT they had done showed minimal brain activity, almost none.

"Don't believe me? Just sit around and wait. He'll open his eyes."

"Well I can't sit around, so I'm going to order another CT scan, after that we'll see. I'll be back." He left Will and Erin to stare at Jay.

"Will, I swear, I saw his eyes open. If this is the one thing you'd ever believe to come out of my mouth, then please do." Erin pleaded, almost begged.

"I do." Erin was ready to defend her statement and was caught off guard when Will agreed. "Remember that train wreck back when Med first opened?" Erin nodded. "There was this surrogate, she was almost completely brain dead when we did her head CT. Then the mother of the baby said she felt the surrogate squeeze her hand. I didn't believe it but she reacted when I put some pressure on one of her nail beds. When we got a new CT, it was a complete 180. I remember being frustrated that I couldn't follow her case by the book, how I always learned and how I was educated. Nat helped me see how even though it wasn't by the textbook, that I should take the win. Ever since then I never gave up on a patient until I saw them flatline. But there was that one time..." He mumbled the rest of his words. Erin already knew the story about his DNR case.

"I'm assuming that's why your insurance is so high?" Erin chuckled.

"Yeah." Will welcomed their light-hearted moment. "I've got total faith in you, Erin. With Jay and with anything else."

/

Elizabeth had begun to get extremely grumpy after 2 days in the hospital. She didn't find comfort in Erin's lap or when Will would take her for a walk around the hospital. She didn't even find comfort sleeping in Jay's arm. Erin was reluctant to let Voight take her home, but she knew it would re-energize the both of them.

She had a scowl on her face that matched Jay's when she was brought back the next morning. It was one of exasperation. Erin couldn't help but laugh.

She tried her best to keep Elizabeth occupied. Will had gone back to their place to pick up some books, toys and games but even those got boring after a while.

The unit dropped by that night, much to Elizabeth's liking. She enjoyed the attention she got from her Uncle Adam. Erin found it adorable how much of a bond he had with her. He and Burgess offered to take her home with them and Erin agreed, not wanting to pry Elizabeth off of Adam.

The room was quiet again as everyone left, leaving Erin alone with her thoughts. And with Jay.

She didn't know what to say anymore. She said her goodbye and now she was praying that she indeed saw him opening his eyes. She didn't want to give everyone false hope. She didn't want to give herself any false hope.

"Hey… Right now would be a really good time to do something. I wanna make sure that I wasn't hallucinating or anything. Your CT scan came back inconclusive and Rhodes couldn't tell me why. Maybe it's all the stubbornness in you? You're still really pale but your cheeks are more pink. No one noticed it, or brought it up to me. Maybe they didn't look carefully enough. Maybe they didn't memorize your face like I did. Your ears are also warmer, so are your fingertips and toes. Liz misses you. She just wants to play with you so badly. How do I tell her everything that happened to you? How do I tell her that I ended up so drunk that I couldn't tend to her needs? How am I even supposed to tell _you_ that? Even if you wake up, I'll never forgive myself for what I did that morning. What if Voight hadn't came over? I'm turning into Bunny. How did it come to this?" She grabbed his hand and held it up to her lips. "If you wake up, and you want to take Liz and leave me, that's okay. I won't fight you on it. I deserve it. You'll be able to give her the life she needs. I can't. I'm sorry Jay."

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	33. Chapter 33

**Quick update, but enjoy :)**

 **/**

80 hours.

It was a Friday morning. Erin would never forget it.

It started off like the rest. She would stretch her cramped muscles before changing and feeding Elizabeth. Will would come back with coffee and breakfast. One cream, two sugars and a breakfast burrito.

After eating they would settle in a silence, only hearing Elizabeth's coos and occasional grunts of annoyance. Around 11, Will would take Elizabeth for a walk down to the park. They'd stay there until she would lose interest, and they'd come back. Erin would grab lunch next. She didn't really care what she ate, as long as it was a combo. She would let Will pick out their place to eat.

Around 1 would be Elizabeth's nap. Depending on how tired she was, she would either settle in Erin's arms, her eyes shutting instantly as Erin would rock her. Or she would cuddle up against Jay's good side and her little hand would play with the hair in his beard or tug at his ear. A futile attempt to wake him up, Erin knew.

On Friday she wanted to cuddle with Jay.

She didn't look too happy to go to sleep. She barely got to expend any of her energy while she was at the hospital. From Jay's arm, she watched her Uncle Will dozing off in one of the chairs. When she looked towards her mother, she was also fast asleep, although she had a tight hold on one of the blankets. Elizabeth giggled.

She turned her head towards Jay, furrowing her little brow like Erin does. She didn't know why he was sleeping so much, or why the hell he wasn't excited to be near her. She sat up on the bed and slowly made her way onto Jay's core, resting her head in the centre of his chest. She looked up, thinking that her movements would've woken him, but was greeted with closed eyes.

It was subtle.

No one besides Elizabeth heard it.

It sounded like a cough.

She got up as quickly as she could and sat down on Jay's naval, smacking her hands on his hospital gown.

"DADA!"

Her voice woke Will first, and when he craned his neck over to the bed, he witnessed something he didn't think he'd ever see again.

Jay's right hand raised slowly and he placed it on Elizabeth's back. It looked like he was trying to move his thumb up and down, but it only twitched slightly. Will jumped to his feet, his noise waking Erin.

"Jay? Jay can you hear me? Open your eyes if you can." Will was quick to jump into doctor mode. All Erin could do was hold her breath.

Surely but slowly, Jay opened his eyes. He surveyed the room before he was in a coughing fit. Erin picked up the baby from his stomach as Will adjusted the bed and called for the nurses.

Everything was a blur. All of a sudden, the quiet room was hectic. Machines were brought in and doctors and nurses swarmed Jay. She saw his pleading eyes looking towards her. She desperately wanted to scream at everyone to leave him alone, that he's fine. But she felt paralyzed. Oxygen nubbins were placed back into his nose by one nurse as another took his blood pressure. A different nurse took his temperature as Rhodes rushed into the room.

"Jay, nice to have you back with us. I just need to check a few things real quick." He inspected the surgical cuts and checked his pupils before he started asking questions. Jay's eyes never left Erin.

"Can you remember what happened?" Erin watched him swallow the lump in his throat. His chest was still moving up and down erratically. _This isn't normal._ She thought.

"H-He needs water." Her voice sounded weak, uncharacteristically so, for her. She cleared her throat, wanting to feel more in control. "He's thirsty. Give him some water!"

"I got it." Will said quickly and left the room.

"Let's get an IV back in." Rhodes instructed to one of the nurses. "Start a dextrose drip. He's dehydrated and needs glucose fast." Will came rushing back into the room with a cup of water.

"Lemme have it." Erin walked towards Will and handed Elizabeth to him as she took the cup of water.

"You'll need to feed it to him through the sponge. If he drinks too quickly he might throw it up."

Erin cautiously approached the bed. She didn't want to do anything wrong. She didn't want to break him. He had just woken up and she didn't want to send him back into eternal bliss. Her hand shook as she grabbed onto the handle of the little sponge. She carefully lifted it up to his lips, and he drank it appreciatively. They repeated the process about 6 times before Rhodes stepped back in.

"Feeling better?" Jay cleared his throat and nodded. "Do you remember what happened?"

"G-got… s-shot…"

"Are you in any pain?"

"Left… s-side. Ch-chest."

Rhodes turned his attention to the nurse. "Let's give him some morphine."

"So, I'm just going to give you a run through of what happened. You were shot in the left side of your chest. You lost a lot of blood and your left lung collapsed when we removed the bullet. You fractured two of your ribs and one of them cut into your aorta. We had to give you a few blood transfusions but it didn't seem like your condition was improving so we had to put you on a vent." He looked towards Will and Erin before giving the next piece of news. "Due to your prognosis, I had advised to have you taken off the vent. That was almost four days ago. You didn't have much brain activity, however, in the last day or so, you've made immaculate progress." Erin saw the small smile on Jay's lips. _Pride._ "I'm going to run some tests just to see where we're at."

The 3 adults watched Rhodes leave before they settled in a silence that almost felt awkward.

"We're glad to have you back, buddy." Will readjusted Elizabeth in his arms as he sat down on the bed. "Guess we couldn't get rid of you that easily."

"Course… not."

Their eyes were still focused on each other. No words needed to be spoken between them to know what the other person was thinking. Erin settled on feeding him more water. It was the least she could do for him.

Their eyes settled on their daughter when she began to fuss in Will's embrace, hands grabbing towards Jay. His arms felt weak as he tried to lift them when Will held Elizabeth towards him. He could barely pick them up from his sides.

"You sure you'll be okay with her?" Concern dripped from Will's words.

"Yeah… She's fine." Jay held her sides as she straddled his waist.

She fussed as she tried to move up higher and both Erin and Will saw Jay grimace in pain as she placed her head back on his chest. She seemed content and happy as Jay rubbed his hand on her back.

It was the happiest Erin had seen her in a while.

She was happy that Elizabeth hadn't forgotten who Jay was over the time he spent undercover. Every few times he visited, he looked different, Sometimes he looked like he wasn't sleeping at all, other times it looked like he was fighting with a hangover. And on good days, he looked like Jay. The charming and confident man Erin had first met.

Erin could feel Will's gaze on her. She didn't dare take her eyes off the scene unfolding in front of her because she knew once she looked into those Halstead eyes, she'd be saying words she hadn't yet formulated in her mind. Words she didn't _want_ to formulate in her mind let alone say them.

She felt guilty.

Shameful.

 _Why am I like this?_

 _/_

 **Finally some progress!**

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	34. Chapter 34

**I may have forgotten that I finished writing this chapter a long time ago... so sorry.**

 **X**

Two painstakingly long months later, Jay was released from the hospital. It was almost Elizabeth's birthday and he had basically begged his doctors that he needed to be discharged in time because there was no way in hell his child's first birthday would be celebrated in his hospital room.

The first week after he woke up was absolute hell. He lost count of the amount of tests and scans performed on him and towards the end of the week, he started to push the nurses away, stating that he was fine. He worked with a physiotherapist every other day regaining his strength in his left shoulder and arm. All while Erin sat around and watched, Elizabeth in her lap, still unable to tell him about what happened that day.

He asked her many times what was wrong or if he did something to piss her off, but her answer would always be short and delivered with a fake smile. _I'm fine, just tired._

A wheelchair was protocol and he was greeted at the entrance of Med by his brother and his team. Elizabeth sat in his lap, perfectly content, as Erin wheeled him down. This was a day he waited on for what felt like years.

"So any planned themes for Liz's party?" His voice travelled through her mind, pulling her out of her daze as she drove the familiar road home.

"Not really. Haven't had much time to think."

"You okay? You've seemed kinda off ever since I woke up?"

 _I got blackout drunk with our child in the next room because I thought you were dead. The only reason she's with us right now is because Hank came knocking the next morning. I'm the epitome of my mother and you should just take Liz and walk out of my life._

"I'm fine-"

"Just tired, I've heard it a million times, Erin. Is something wrong?"

"This last bit has just been a little bit difficult." Jay could tell she was fighting tears by the amount of times she had sniffled and blinked. He took her smaller hand in his and rubbed his thumb over her knuckles, something he knew that calmed her down. She had tension radiating off of her and the last time it had been this bad, she was still pregnant. The rest of the ride home was full of silence, omit Elizabeth's babbles and shrieks from the backseat of the car.

When they crossed the threshold of the apartment, Jay breathed a sigh of relief. It felt as if a weight had been taken off of his shoulders.

"Finally home. Nothing's even changed. It's even clean!" All Erin could do was smile at his excitement, knowing she came home days ago to clean up any evidence of her alcohol binge.

He placed Elizabeth down on her pink blanket and gave her a few soft toys to play with as he made his way back to Erin, grabbing her hand in his, pulling her closer to him.

"I missed you." He placed a chaste kiss on her lips. "God, you don't even know how much I wanted to do that for the last few months." Erin smiled, turning away towards the fridge.

"What do you want for dinner? We don't have much, I could run down to the grocery store or we can get some takeout or something." Jay stood and watched Erin, surprised. She wasn't one to pull away from his kisses. Something was definitely wrong.

"Takeout is fine, get whatever you want… You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm gonna go order." She quickly rushed past him, avoiding his gaze.

They ate in silence, watching TV from the dinner table. Elizabeth was in the middle of both of them and ate her food to the best of her ability before Jay grabbed the utensil from her hand and fed her himself.

"Did you wanna give her a bath while I clean up?" Erin proposed. Jay nodded his head. He hadn't given Elizabeth a bath in months. It was one of his favourite times. He loved watching her splash in the water and he loved listening to her giggles when he tickled her as he washed her off.

Jay filled the tub with some warm water before he stripped Elizabeth from her dirty clothes. He gently placed her in the water and added some baby bubble bath and gave her a few toys. He smiled when she smacked the water with her hands.

"Are you splashing, Liz?" He grabbed the baby shampoo and scrubbed it into her thin, dark curls. "Make some more splashes!"

Elizabeth grabbed the rubber duck, offering it to her father.

"Thank you." He squeezed the end of the duck and it squirted water at Elizabeth's belly through it's mouth. She squealed and laughed, spit bubbles overflowing from her mouth, making Jay laugh. "Let's clean up your little mouth."

After he finished, he drained the tub and put the toys into a small bucket next to the tub. He grabbed a shark towel robe from the countertop and draped it over her body to keep her warm while he pulled the hood up.

"Aren't you the cutest little shark?" He cooed.

"No."

"No? Then who's the cutest?" He asked as he made his way to her nursery.

"Dada." Jay laughed as he opened the robe and dried off the remaining water before rubbing some baby lotion on her body.

"You know, Daddy missed all these times with you. I missed seeing you grow up, I missed you saying your first words, and I mostly missed our bath times." He booped her nose with his finger, eliciting a giggle from her. "I love you so much."

"Dada." She held her arms up for him and he picked her up, cradling her close to his chest. He picked out a onesie from her closet before returning to the changing table and getting her dressed. He carted her around in her room, watching her eyelids droop.

Erin watched from the threshold of the nursery door in amazement. The love he had for his child was emotionally evoking. Her eyes glazed over with tears as she watched him whisper things to Elizabeth as her eyelids became heavier and heavier. She took in his eyes, the same ones that would be lit up with rage in the interrogation room, shining bright in the light of the dimly lit room. He had his childish grin etched across his face as he gently placed Elizabeth in her crib, watching her stir before settling again.

Now more than ever, she regretted that night. She regretted that she'd be taking this joy away from him. _He'll heal with time. Leaving is best for them._

 **X**

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	35. Chapter 35

**Please read the note at the bottom, xo.**

* * *

Erin didn't leave that night. Jay deserved an explanation as to why she was walking out of their family, but she wasn't sure if she could tell him about the beginnings of her spiral. Her body ached for booze. A lot of it. And maybe some H. When Nadia died, he was there. There was no way she would make him live through that again; he had to take care of Elizabeth.

Maybe if she left in the dead of the night, when the streets were empty and quiet, they wouldn't have to suffer. She wouldn't have to face Jay's piercing blue eyes, looking at her in utter devastation and shock. She wouldn't have to hear Elizabeth's cries for her when all she would want to do is comfort her and cuddle with her. Because if that happened, she would never leave; she would never stop hurting those she loved.

Maybe she'd give Voight her badge and find a new job. Maybe she could move out of Chicago; she always hated the winters. It never snowed in Los Angeles. Or Orlando. Maybe she could move in with her mother again; she was bound to have jobs available. All she knew was that she wanted to start over. No, she _needed_ to start over.

The sound of the door creaking to the nursery as Jay left it slightly ajar pulled Erin out of her trance. He walked over to her as she sat on the couch under a blanket, and kissed her lips slowly, almostly timidly.

"Lemme take you to bed?" He growled as his lips moved down from her lips to her neck.

"Yeah… Sure." Erin's voice was breathy as she spoke, the thoughts intruding her mind a minute ago, forgotten.

Jay stood up from the couch before he leaned back down to pick Erin up. His hands supported her butt as she wrapped her legs around his hips, their tongues becoming tangled in between each others. The swell of his muscles had gone down during his time in the hospital, but he was still bulkier than the last time Erin felt his skin underneath her fingertips.

Foregoing the light, Jay placed Erin down on the bed gently, removing his mouth from hers to remove her shirt. Generally, Erin wouldn't be able to keep her hands off of him, however, tonight, her arms stayed at her sides as his mouth assaulted the newly exposed skin. His right hand travelled behind her back as he skillfully unclasped her bra and removed the straps from her shoulders in one swift motion.

"Get the door." Erin muttered as he moved on top of her, his arms bearing the weight of his body. "Liz will hear us." Her voice was monotonous and lacked any emotion, much to Jay's surprise. It seemed as if she was bored, or inconvenienced.

An exasperated groan escaped his mouth as he got off the bed and walked over towards the door. The last few months, his mind was constantly full of images of her but his right hand could never relieve himself of the pressure building up in his pelvis. Only she had to power to alleviate that pain. Her lack of excitement was somewhat putting a damper on his mood and he knew he needed to at least get her body excited.

After listening to the door click closed, he turned around, grabbing the collar of his black t-shirt and lifting it over his head. His fingers hooked into the hem of her pants and he pulled them down her legs—along with her underwear—quickly. The goosebumps that erupted over her creamy skin had Jay's lips tugging into a smile. Tossing her pants towards the general pile of clothes, he ridded himself of his own bottoms.

Lying flush against her—skin on skin—was a feeling he would never forget. When he laid awake in that apartment room, twisting and turning on the creaky bed, he had reminisced about the feeling of her on his skin. It kept him going. It gave him an ulterior purpose. He needed to get back to her.

His lips kissed their way down the valley between her breasts before they made contact with her inner right thigh. The moan that escaped her lips instantly made him hard, almost to the point where he could feel the blood flowing through his arteries to his groin. His mouth avoided her middle as he switched over to her left side. When her breathing began to get more laboured, he looked up to see her chest heaving, her teeth and eyes clenched and he inserted himself inside of her in one fluid motion.

The pace was quick, almost as if they were teenagers wanting to get it done quickly, scared that someone would catch them; almost as if they feared the other would evaporate into thin air, never again to be seen.

* * *

Later that night—after tossing and turning—Erin quietly ripped off the sheets and stood up next to her side. Jay's soft snores radiated around the room and when she looked down at him, she noticed how tired he looked; tired to the point where he looked significantly older. The wrinkles in his skin seemed more pronounced, almost as if they were permanently engraved. As her eyes travelled down to his chest, she gazed at the small bullet hole that would forever be there as a scar. A reminder. It seemed almost a lifetime ago that he had gotten shot. It seemed like a lifetime ago that she signed those papers to take him off of life support. But the emotions felt fresh. The pain of almost losing him would always have the same crippling effect on her. Erin pushed the bile in her throat down as she quietly padded towards the door and down the hall to the nursery.

The soft glow of the nightlight casted shadows onto Elizabeth's face. Her dark curls were matted to her face from sweat and her eyes fluttered occasionally, but never opened. Her little hands were balled into fists as they rested near her head and her mouth was slightly agape, her quick breaths making a soft noise as she exhaled.

Erin smiled down at her daughter. The last year had gone by so fast. From Elizabeth's premature birth, to Jay's undercover op, to Liz saying her first words, and learning how to walk. She knew she couldn't just leave her daughter in the middle of the night, she didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve her mother walking out of her life at all hours of the day with no idea when she would get to see her again. Not like Erin had.

But she also didn't deserve an addict as a mother. That, Erin was sure of. Erin kissed one of Elizabeth's fists gently before making her way back to the master bedroom, climbing into bed next to Jay. His arm found her waist and he pulled her in closer to his chest. The faint smell of his cologne and body wash that was distinctly him wafted into Erin's nostrils, easing her into a deep sleep.

* * *

"Shhh. You're gonna wake up Mommy." Jay watched Elizabeth shriek excitedly from her high chair as he placed sliced bananas in front of her on a plate. Her little hand grabbed a piece of the banana before bringing it up to her mouth. Most of his became covered in saliva as it mashed against the outside of her mouth before falling down onto her bib. "Hey, let's get the food in your mouth." Jay picked up a small piece of a banana and gently pushed it into her little open mouth. "See that wasn't too hard." Elizabeth giggled at her father as she chewed on the fruit.

Erin watched from the threshold of the kitchen, out of view with a smile on her face. The light in Jay's eyes and the sight of her baby girl smiling from ear-to-ear was a sight for sore eyes. It was a sight that was making her decision to leave even more difficult. She knew that she would have to inevitably, it was for the best of Jay and Elizabeth. All she could hope for was having enough courage to actually do it.

* * *

 **A/N: Writing is becoming increasingly difficult, especially for this fandom. Stories aren't being updated often and others are just left in the dust. Personally, I have already shut down one story and it is hard to not do the same with all the rest. As writers, we thrive off of reviews. Seeing that people are enjoying and still reading our stories is the utmost important thing in getting chapters out quicker. I have talked to other writers, and most of them** — **if not all** — **seem to be in a slump from lack of motivation. As readers, I encourage you, whether it's here or on Tumblr, to leave a few words of encouragement. It can be as simple as leaving a 'really good' or 'intriguing'. It's heartwarming when you go to check your email and see four to five emails that are just reviews from people, it's a feeling that I can't even describe or compare to others. I can't count the amount of times I have looked at the doc for this chapter, read what I had written, and closed it down because I just didn't feel like writing. It has been almost two months since I last updated this story and it concerns me that I'm just rushing now to free myself from this 'burden' of writing my stories. I have a list of requests on my phone that I don't even want to look at anymore. I have an idea for an AU that I'm thinking of scraping entirely strictly because our fandom is dwindling. Writing used to bring me joy, and now it's becoming an inconvenience. I don't want to leave all of you hanging and would like to conclude my stories, but when there aren't many reviews coming in, it's difficult to find the muse to write out those chapters you all love so much. And that goes for all other Linstead writers. So all I'm asking for is a few nice words, not only for me, but for all writers. Without Linstead on our screens, fanfiction writers are the only way for us to escape into this world. Please (I'm getting to the point of begging) leave a review.**


	36. Chapter 36

**THANK YOU to those who reviewed. Definitely helps when I'm writing a new chapter knowing so many people are waiting for an update. Hopefully you reviewed on others' stories too.**

 **Enjoy :)**

* * *

"So, Liz's birthday party. I was thinking we do it Saturday afternoon so she can actually be awake for it. I know her birthday is on Thursday but I don't think it makes sense to have a party in the middle of the week since everyone will be working." Erin listened to Jay speak as she watched Elizabeth playing with her toys on her baby blanket. "Now, we just need some kind of theme for her and I was thinking that a few of her little friends from daycare could come, so she's not just surrounded by adults the entire time."

"I don't want some kind of cliche themed party, like princesses." Erin knew that in order to keep Jay off her radar, she would have to play up a facade. Focusing on Elizabeth served as a good distraction, her happiness was the only thing that mattered anymore.

"Okay, let me Google some ideas." Jay pulled out his phone from his pocket, searching 'unique birthday party ideas' in the search engine box. "How about a ladybug themed party?"

"That would be cute, but I don't think so."

"Okay… how about a Hello Kitty themed party?"

"Hello Kitty? That's so _old._ And she doesn't even have any Hello Kitty things."

"Fair enough. OH! A Lego themed party, that'd be fun."

"Yeah, for a six-year-old. She's a bit young for that one."

"This one's perfect, an Elmo themed party. We can even buy her Elmo toys as a present. Not to mention she'd look adorable trying to smash an Elmo cake."

"Hmmm."

"Oh c'mon Erin. It would be _so_ cute!"

"Yeah, you're right. Elmo themed it is."

* * *

The small family planned a day out together, something they haven't had in months. Chicago's weather had been crisp but the sun shining down on their faces definitely helped warm the family up. They first went down for a walk around the park before stopping at a playground to let Elizabeth roam around. Erin sat on a bench watching Jay and Elizabeth playing on the slide. He would let her walk up the few steps to the top of the slide—with assistance of course—before he would hold onto her with both hands and slide her down to the bottom. The baby would erupt in giggles and kick her legs as she looked up at her father.

"Dada." Elizabeth's small finger pointed back to the top of the slide and Jay would oblige, repeating the pattern all over again.

"She's your first?"

Erin broke out of her reverie as she noticed an older woman sitting next to her and smiling expectantly.

"First and only, so far."

"God, I remember when my two boys were that small. I miss it." The woman smiled sadly as her attention shifted over to two young boys playing in the sandbox. "How old is your little one?"

"She's turning one in a couple of days. And your boys?"

"The older one is seven, the younger one is five. Your daughter seems to have a really good relationship with her father. He's great with her."

"Yeah… he's the best." Erin's smile seemed almost involuntary. Anytime her mind or thoughts went to Jay, a warm feeling would take over her body and all seemed right in the world. Only it wasn't. "Are your sons not that close with their father?"

"No…" The woman seemed to choke over her words. "My husband, he was killed. He served overseas in Iraq. It's been about four years, never seems to get easier. He never even got to meet my younger son."

"I'm so sorry." Erin wasn't the greatest at providing emotional support, she always seemed so uncomfortable when these situations came up. "My, uh, my fiancee," Erin pointed over towards Jay, "he served too. Two tours in Afghanistan. We're both cops and I can't imagine how difficult it would be to try and live without him." Tears sprung to Erin's eyes as her mind vividly remembered when Dr. Rhodes took him off of the ventilator. "It must be hard."

"Most days. He was on his third tour, we really needed the money. I begged him not to go, that we'd find some other way, but he still went. It's hard to imagine all the things they went through over there, they sacrificed so much."

"Yeah…" Erin turned her attention back to Jay and Elizabeth. They had moved to the swings and both of them had matching smiles on their face. _I need to make that sacrifice too._

* * *

"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Liz, happy birthday to you." Thursday morning started off with Jay and Erin singing gently to their sleeping baby. Elizabeth rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands as she was roused from her slumber.

"Good morning baby." Erin leaned over the crib, waiting for Elizabeth to fully wake up. "Happy birthday!"

"Someone's still a little bit sleepy, huh?" Jay reached down into the crib and picked up Elizabeth before resting her on his hip. Immediately, she placed her head onto his shoulder, closing her eyes again. "Happy birthday, sleepyhead. How about some breakfast? I was thinking about making pancakes!"

"I think pancakes would be great, now give me the birthday girl." Jay chuckled before handing Elizabeth off to Erin. He kissed both their foreheads and made his way out to the kitchen, grabbing ingredients to make Elizabeth's favourite, banana walnut pancakes.

* * *

"I wanna give her the present after she's done eating. Hopefully she'll like it." Erin and Jay had picked out a small Jeep as their present to Elizabeth and had wrapped it in a big bow. Jay wanted to have something where she could rip open the packaging, but he would have to wait until Saturday when the team brought her presents instead.

"Hopefully she can drive it." Jay said taking a bite out of his pancakes. "That would be really cute."

"Yeah we gotta teach her early on that it's the women who do the driving around here." Erin remarked.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

* * *

 _Saturday Afternoon_

A mixture of people from the district, the firehouse and doctors and nurses from Med soon filled up the Halstead apartment. Elizabeth had spent most of her time playing with the shiny bows on her presents, trying to rip them off the boxes, but Jay was there to pull her away. She was dressed in an Elmo dress with a matching red bow on her head, but the bow didn't last too long since she kept pulling it off her head.

Will kept a close eye on Erin, watching the way she avoided the counter with an assortment of alcoholic beverages. She seemed quite reserved, only smiling or laughing in order to pitch into conversations. Occasionally, their eyes would meet, only for Erin to look away just as quickly.

"You tell him yet?" Will asked as he approached Erin as she tied up a garbage bag full of plastic cutlery and paper plates.

"No."

"Erin…" Will warned.

"Will, my daughter's first birthday party isn't the place to be having this conversation."

"Well where would you like to have it? Monday over coffee? Are you even gonna tell him because if you don't, I will."

"I swear, I'll tell him this weekend." Erin spotted Jay looking over towards them and quickly tried to change the subject, hoping to make it look like a casual conversation. "Would you like another beer?"

"Yeah, sure. I got it though." Will walked over to the refrigerator as pulled it open, extracting a bottle. He looked back at Erin before making his way back towards the party.

"You doing okay?" Jay mumbled as he came up behind Erin and wrapped his arms around her. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing. I'm just stressed."

"Stressed? It's a first birthday, she won't even remember it. Relax a bit, have a beer."

"No, I'm good. I wanna have everything go according to plan or else Liz will get tired and fall asleep before we even get to the cake. She missed her nap today."

"Okay, let's cut the cake now, then you can enjoy yourself."

Ering sighed before speaking again. "Yeah, sure."

* * *

Jay set out a couple of Elmo table cloths on the rug in front of the TV while Erin got Elizabeth undressed and in her diaper. They had two cakes for her birthday, one to eat and one for Elizabeth to smash. It was Jay's idea, and he thought it would be cute.

Erin came back with Elizabeth rested comfortably on her hip and a towel on her left arm. She put Elizabeth down on the table cloths before Jay placed a little red Elmo head made of cake in front of her.

Elizabeth looked at the cake before looking around the room at the adults eagerly watching her.

"Liz, eat it." Jay encouraged as he looked down at his daughter. However, the baby seemed too distracted by everyone to do anything. "Here, like this." Jay dug his finger through the red icing before booping her nose with some of the sugary substance. "Now you try." Elizabeth looked at her father before looking back down at the cake. She timidly reached out her little hand and lightly touched the cake, bringing her hand back to look at it. The icing covered her hand and she brought her hand to her mouth to chew off some of the icing. "Now smash it."

"I don't think she understands what to do." Will stated as he recorded a video of his niece on his phone. "Take her hand and push it in the cake."

Jay grabbed her right hand and tried to direct it in the direction of the cake but Elizabeth was not having it, breaking out into a cry. She stretched her arms up to her father, demanding to be picked up. "Okay, okay. Daddy's sorry. Maybe next year." He fed her the remaining icing off his finger before handing her off to Erin for a bath. "Well I wasn't expecting that."

* * *

In the early evening, everyone started to file out of the Halstead apartment. Elizabeth had fallen asleep after her small meltdown and had stayed asleep for a couple of hours. Currently, she was playing with some of the wrapping paper from one of her presents while her parents cleaned up from the party.

"Jay, I need to tell you something."

"Okay… Is everything good?"

"No, not really."

"What do you mean? Is this why you've been so quiet?" Erin could hear concern in Jay's voice as he turned towards her, stopping his task.

"When you were undercover, it was rough." Erin sat down on one of the barstools, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. "And when you we couldn't get a location on where you were—" She choked over her words as she looked into Jay's piercing blue eyes regarding her with concern. "That just _really_ messed me up." Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Erin… you don't have to worry. I'm here now." Jay walked around the counter and wrapped Erin in his arms. Breathing in the scent of his cologne almost made Erin end the conversation there, sparing him from the pain. Almost.

"No, Jay you don't understand. Liz was here, with me and I know I always promised I wouldn't be like Bunny but the stress of everything was a lot and when Hank showed up that morning and when he came back the next day—"

"Babe, you're rambling, Just tell me."

"I-I just got really drunk and Hank came by and I was a mess and Liz was here. Then in the hospital when you were taken off the machines i grabbed a bottle at the liquor store around the corner and Will noticed and-and I'm sorry. I knew I was always destined to be like Bunny—"

"Erin… Erin, stop."

"I'm just, I'm sorry but I've been thinking for the last few days and I think it's best that I just leave. I don't want Liz to have to deal with what I did. That life _really_ sucks Jay." A tear made it's way down Erin's cheek. "And I don't want you having to try to fix me when you have Liz to worry about. I'm sorry."

Moving towards the door, Erin grabbed her coat, put on her boots, and walked out the door, leaving her entire world behind.

* * *

 **Please leave a review :)**

 **P.S. I know Will comes off as a dick in this story, trust me, I love him.**


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